We're All Going To Die!! (Unless We'reNot)

Well it’s all over. We are all doomed. It is time to find a large rock and hide under it. Make sure you steal a shopping cart first, though. It comes in very handy for collecting used clothes, canned food, and random body parts while walking the post-apocalyptic streets. Armageddon has finally come. Again! Yes, I said again. According to the news media and various government groups this Armageddon-thing happens every two years, when their chosen candidate loses. The worst thing is: What are we going to do without any political ads for the next several months?!?
If you haven’t run off screaming as yet, and your city isn’t burning out of control, you might have guessed that I am referring to the election being over. If your city is burning out of control, please don’t sit here and read this, you can catch up later. I know these articles are essential to your existence, but being burned to a crisp can also carry a negative effect on your life. Mr. Ohh! advises you all to exercise caution. So much for the disclaimer. Sit there and read on. You know you want to.
While the campaign was in full swing, there were only insults. Just look at the TV and radio ads. If they are to be believed, one candidate kicks puppies and tortures all manner of small creatures and the other is a disease-ridden member of an illegal moose smuggling cartel. Neither seemed to be competent to do much more than say, “I endorsed this message.” Look at the facts. At a job interview, you confidently state your qualifications and defend those statements with a professional-looking resume’. (Which may or may not be accurate, but let’s not get into that right now.) You never tell a prospective employer about how the other candidate’s bladder control problem will decrease productivity. Of course, you would cushion it by saying, “It’s really only a problem when the voices inside his head aren’t telling him to assassinate all authority figures.” You might want to say things like that, but you don’t.
In government it’s completely different. Face it, a political campaign is only an extended job interview. You just don’t get as much one-on-one time with the people hiring you, and every body knows who else is up for the job. If the various candidates were to just hand you a resume’ you might get busy and lose it somewhere in your in-box. Another thing is, resumes are boring white pieces of paper with unprovable, obscure bullet-points. Much better to flood the market with an expensively produced TV ad destroying your opponent, his family, and all of his Facebook and Twitter followers.
This brings up another point. If you were looking to get a promotion at work, do you really think you could go to your boss and tell them that in order to move up you will need to avoid all of your duties for the next six months or so? Politicians do this all the time. If a senator wants to be president, he or she leaves Washington for a year, spends several million dollars, and ignores all but the most high-profile votes so they can campaign. If they should lose, they are welcomed back to the senate floor with a standing ovation. You’ll never get that where you work. You’ll get replaced. Permanently!
The terrible thing about the election cycle being finished is all the boring analysis. While you were huddling in a corner, hoarding food, batteries, and ammunition trying desperately to decide between the lesser of all evils, others were quietly contemplating all possible outcomes. When the disease-ridden puppy kicker loses, all of a sudden everyone comes out of the woodwork stating how great he or she was. “My opponent is an honorable citizen who fought hard, and I respect his (or her) beliefs. But the people have chosen me and I am humbled. Now is the time for unity, and I will not forget those people who voted for my opponent. I will serve them well, and start a dialog to make certain their needs are met,” the winner invariably states in their acceptance speech. What a load of hooey!
You’ve been telling us for months what a low-life slime they are. Now, you expect us to forget all that and believe you have always found them honorable? We’re not as dumb as all that! Besides, we have the media reminding us every ten minutes of what was really said. Add to this the hours of expert(?) commentary, and the post-election cycle can make a person want to hide in a hole even more that pre-election. Thank heaven, (or not), the next two-year election run-up will start in about three weeks.
With this in mind, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring. I just need someone to show me just exactly where this ring is. Also, I have lots of hats. Is there any special one I’m supposed to throw? Anyone? Anyone? Aw, heck with it. I’m gonna skip the middle man and all the hat ring stuff and just announce I am now a candidate for congress. Wow, that was easy.
Actually, I’m several candidates. While it is true you can only participate in one race in your home state, it is also true that if you maintain an address in more than one state, there is no law against you running in more than one. I have happily purchased a PO Box in forty-two of these great United States. Consequently. I am running for congress forty-two times. If, as will likely happen, I am elected, I will represent multiple districts, and of course collect multiple salaries. Scoffers will undoubtedly say I will be unable to serve all of them in the way they are used to. Well, if my congressman is any example, I know I can. I can easily ignore the people of several districts just as easily as they ignore the people in one.
My platform will be simple. I want to solve the needs of the people. I am, even as we speak, crafting a bill that will outlaw single-ply toilet paper forever. See? I’ve already captured the hemorrhoid vote. (You can bet Washington insiders never thought of that one) No longer will the butts of America have to put up with daily chafing and redness. “Charmin For All” will be our rallying cry. I can see it now, in this beautiful vision of the future. The next item on my agenda will be funding research into sleep learning. My teenage son sleeps all the time, and he might as well get something out of it. Lastly, I will enact laws banning Christmas decorations in stores until November 15th, and on houses until after Thanksgiving. A vote for Mr. Ohh! is a vote for common sense.
So V-Ohh!-Te for Ohh! Early voting starts soon. (It gets earlier every time.)