I know you've had a difficult few days mate. I'm never really sure what to say in such situations but my thoughts have been with you and your family. I can understand your thoughts being a little bit mixed up right now and of course I don't know your personal circumstances but I don't think any of us can ever be completely satisfied. Every choice we make requires some sort of sacrifice which will inevitably lead to what if's but all we can do is the best we can at any given time. The post was a little vague in regards to what changes you feel you need to make in your life but you're one of the most thoughtful guys I know so I'm confident whatever they are they'll be changes in the right direction or you'll make them so. I'm sure you have your faults but spare a thought for the rest of us who have many more than you I'm sure and don't be too hard on yourself. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual. We're all just making it up as we go along and hoping for the best and from where I'm sitting, You're doing a pretty good job of working things out. :)