Away from the edge

Laying in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, thinking while my beautiful girlfriend slept by my side. What would it look like if I fell from the 8th floor balcony? What would I look like if I fell from the 7th, 6th, 5th?

These are the thoughts that would run through my head, nightly. During the day, when my mind had a moment to itself, it would wonder at the sound of the collision if I drifted just slightly across the middle lines while driving.

Am I suicidal?

These thoughts had started many years earlier as just a teen but I shook them away as a symptom of chronic illness and the cabin fever world of being long-term bedridden. But I thought deeply on it often.

I imagined many scenarios, what may be painful or peaceful, and how it would look. I didn't want the people I loved to find a mess, or perhaps find me at all. I thought what it would be to just disappear into the folds of the ocean or the shadows of the trees.

Within a few years, my memory started to go. It was never great and I mentioned it to a few people (and doctors) and they laughed it off as it was natural, I was getting older. I was 25 at this time. Words would slip from mind, ideas disappear within a breath.

Soon, my patience was wearing thin. Literally. The smallest annoyance would escalate my frustration and temper. This had profound effects on my relationships as one can imagine for, I had changed. My work suffered heavily too and this applied huge financial strain on me. The pressure I felt was crushing, I was breathless.

And the fog. The thick, heavy shroud that threw my barely intelligible thoughts into a black hole, never to escape. It felt like my mind was drowning, trapped beneath ice and stress that pushed my eyes deep into the sockets. And my appearance matched my mental state, darkened, hollowed and weary.

My body had already been ravaged from a decade of chronic illness but, my mind, the only thing that I had been able to cling to, to rely on, was almost gone. Who am I when my thoughts are no longer my own? I was not depressed but I was entirely fatigued, not an ounce of motivation left to move.

For years I pushed through, years of questions and doctors saying I was depressed. No, I am not, I insisted. But the worst part was my knowing it.

I knew I was not depressed, knew I was not stressed at work, I knew that this was not me. It definitely wasn't the version of myself that resembled what I could be. The best version was a distant memory and unlikely to ever appear again in the future. A body and mind destroyed while the owner watched, helpless. The heart was failing too.

I could not go on this way. It was either find a cause and cure or, make sure it wouldn't have the chance to degrade further. It couldn't get to the point I had no control or agency of my actions, decisions and life.

I have always been aware of myself, perhaps too much so at times but, it was this awareness that got to work. No more reliance on the opinions of others, it was time to take responsibility and step up hard. This wasn't easy, my motivation was buried and locked away, the key lost.

Each thought and movement felt like pushing a boulder up a mountain that appeared to have no other side. An endless struggle and to release the drive for a moment, was to be flattened by the force of the rolling stone as it longed for the valley below.

I pushed, and pushed. I ripped through my memory looking for signs, scanned my body for clues and compiled a list of what is 'not me'. And then I searched. I questioned people heavily, I asked Google.

Eventually, I was making inroads, slowly removing what wasn't until I discovered what was. The turning point came when I overheard part of a conversation between colleagues discussing one's health.

He listed a couple of familiar symptoms and I joined in. He had been misdiagnosed by GPs and was therefore never sent to a specialist because his numbers had come back as within the 'normal range'. His problem? Thyroid.

I had already been tested, already told 'you are fine, you are normal'. I had believed the doctors but now questioned anew. I searched online and found a list (I have included the one I used at the end) and started checking them off. I had over half of the symptoms and some of them I could trace back many years to when I was a teenager.

Rather than go to a GP, I went to a specialist myself, an endocrinologist is the one that handles these types of issues. Armed with the list and my fairly recent thyroid function lab results, I was ready to meet the massive resistance I had faced from all other people and doctors I had explained my position too.

He looked at me, listened to me and said. 'GPs do this all the time. They treat the numbers rather than the patient. I wish you had found me earlier.' He went on to say that I have probably had issues since quite young but it would have likely been overlooked as the symptoms would appear 'random' and hard to pin down to a specific cause.

He went on to say how the averages are fine for most but there can be large variation in how some people react to changes in the thyroid. He wrote a prescription for Thyroxine.

That was 5 years ago. Within three months I could feel myself somewhat returning. The brink I almost went over was receding into the distance and my thoughts were clearing and the darkness was slowly being illuminated by points of light, one piece at a time. 6 months later, I started my business. A business that having had the energy and motivation, I would have started 10 years earlier.

My mind will never return fully and fluctuates quite heavily still at times and the troughs can be quite long but, I at least most of the time feel like I have some agency over myself again. My body is also damaged in many ways beyond repair and pain is now a constant companion. As they say, it is not what you have, it is what you do with it that is important.

I can't imagine what life would have been if I had never firstly got a chronic illness and secondly also have hypothyroidism. I do not know where I would be if my motivation had persisted, my demeanor had remained positive and I hadn't spent so many years thinking of how to end my life. I just can't say.

What I do know is that from where I was, quality of life was impossible. And going forward from this point, I have a good idea of what an ill mind can take and although never planning to be that low again, if faced with rock bottom again, I have a chance to survive, maybe even benefit.

This is not easy to write for me as it is quite personal and I am not as open as many here. I write it still though because it may help someone else that is in the same boat as I was. It may help them find help or motivate just enough to help themselves.

If one person benefits in some way from reading this, it is worth it for I for one have never met anyone that deserves to be forced to think what I was. I actually wonder at times, maybe those that do 'deserve' a poor position in life are just lost, undiagnosed by what has been considered 'normal'.

I don't know, but if you found this useful or important in some way, please pass it along. Thanks.

Taraz
[ a Steem original ]

The list I used to check off symptoms.

ENERGY LEVELS

Less stamina than others
Less energy than others
Easy fatigue
Feeling weak
The need to nap more than others
Long recovery period after any activity
Arms feeling like dead weights after activity
Inability to exercise, or withstand certain exercises
Paying a price after activity
Inability to hold children for very long
Nodding off easily
Slowing to a snail’s pace when walking up slight grade
Difficulty getting through work day
The need to lay on the couch after getting home from work
“Exhaustion in every dimension–physical, mental, spiritual, emotional”

SLEEP and REST

Sleep Apnea (which can also be associated with low cortisol due to continued hypothyroid state)
Being so exhausted at bedtime that you have insomnia
Sleeping hard
Sleeping more hours than normal
Dark circles under eyes
Yawning all the time
Heavy eyelids
Getting more fatigued as day goes on
The need for naps to get through the afternoon
Having trouble studying from snoozing
Air Hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air)

MOOD or EMOTIONS

Chronic Low Grade Depression
Major depression
Sadness
Need for antidepressants
Suicidal Thoughts
Crying easier
Ruminating/worrisome
Anxiety (can be a cortisol symptom, but also a hypo symptom)
Need for anti-anxietal meds
Complete lack of motivation
Extremely crabby or irritable
Worse PMS emotional symptoms
Intolerant of others
Bi-polar symptoms (often associated with Hashimoto’s)

METABOLISM

Often feeling cold
Cold hands and feet
Sweaty or clammy palms
The need for extra clothing
Feeling anxietal (caused by excess adrenaline due to hypo, but can also be related to adrenal issues)
High or rising cholesterol
Feeling too hot (Hashimoto’s disease usually, but can be due to other issues like low iron, low aldosterone)
Low body temperature
Less perspiration than others
Tendency to put on weight because of low metabolism

STOMACH, DIGESTION, FOODS

Acid reflux
Low stomach acid
Diagnosis of ‘too much acid’ (it’s really about too little)
The need for antiacids to quell symptoms
Food sitting in stomach a long time
Craving sweets more than normal
Burning stomach lining

NUTRIENTS

Poor absorption
Poor levels of iron
Poor levels of B12
Poor levels of Vitamin D
Etc.

CARDIOVASCULAR

Heart disease
Heart palpitations
Heart Fibrillations
Diagnosis of A-fib
Fluid retention to the point of Congestive Heart Failure
High heartrate
Plaque buildup in arteries
Rising blood pressure
Rising cholesterol

ELIMINATION, INTESTINAL and BLADDER

Hard stools
Little round stools
Constipation
Diarrhea (less common than constipation)
Candida
Colitis
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
Painful bladder; painful urination
Bladder spasms
Bladder urgency
Not urinating much

HAIR and SKIN

No eyebrows
Thinning outer eyebrows
Dry Hair
Hair feels like straw
Excessive frizziness
Hair Loss
White hairs growing in
No hair growth, breaks faster than it grows
Dandruff
Only needing to wash hair once a week or so
Dry face
Dry cracking heels
Dry skin in general
Itchy skin
Scaly looking skin
Easy bruising
Pimples
Acne (yes, some reported it went away on NDT!)
Swelling/edema/puffiness
Breakout on chest and arms
Hives (one woman stated hers went away with NDT, thus the connection here)
Neuropathy (nerve issues)

ISSUES in the HEAD AREA

Dry Eye Syndrome
Worsening vision
Headaches and Migraines
Slurred Speech
Swollen Tongue
Lowered voice
Dry mouth
Gum Problems
Internal itching of ears
Ringing in the ears
Hearing problems
Dizziness from fluid on the inner ear
Puffy face
Extra fat under chin/on neck

HANDS

Puffy fingers/hands
Stiff fingers
Breaking/brittle nails
Broken/peeling fingernails
Ridged nails

LEGS and FEET

Bumps on legs
Swollen legs that impeded walking
Shin splints
Difficulty standing on feet
Sore feet aka plantar fasciitis; painful soles of feet (like walking on glass)

BONES, MUSCLES, JOINTS

Aching bones or muscles
Joint pain
Clicking in joints
Popping joints
Stiffness
Inflamed joints
Diagnosis of Fibromyalgia
Osteopenia
Osteoporosis
Muscular weakness in activities
Carpel Tunnel
Back pain
Shoulder pain
Frozen shoulder

BRAIN

Inability to concentrate
Inability to read long periods of time
Forgetfulness
Foggy thinking aka Brain Fog

WEIGHT

Inability to lose weight in spite of trying hard
Losing only a little when trying hard
Always gaining weight
Obesity
Weight loss (a small minority experience this)
Fat tummy
Water retention
Edema

RELATIONSHIPS or WORK

Inability to function well in a relationship
No or poor sex drive
Argumentative
Avoidance
Inability to work full time
Constantly tired at work
Lower quality work performance
The need for sit-down jobs

SEX HORMONES or FEMALE ISSUES

Failure to ovulate
Constant bleeding (see Rainbow’s story)
Heavy bleeding
Irregular periods
Moody periods
Excruciating pain during period
PMS
PCOS
Inability to get pregnant
Miscarriages
Breast leakage
Urinary Tract Infections

IMMUNE FUNCTION

Seem to get more colds than others
Bad colds
Poor resistance to illnesses going around
Taking longer to recover
Recurring viral or bacterial illnesses
Recurring sore throats
Chronic sinus infections
Persistant Candida
Tightness in throat; sore throat
Swollen lymph glands
Inflammation

CERTAIN MEDICAL CONDITIONS (though not saying YOUR condition is caused by hypothyroid, but for some, it appears so!)

Asthma
Dysautonomic symptoms (overreaction of one’s autonomic nervous system)
Lactose Intolerance (due to low stomach acid from a poor treatment or undiagnosed)
Allergies (which can also be a result of low cortisol–see link below)
Dysphagia (nerve damage causing inability to swallow fluid, food, saliva; can also be caused by a goiter or anxiety)
Neurogenic bladder
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (which for the vast majority of thyroid patients, is a catch-all diagnosis)
Fatty Liver

MISCELLANEOUS

Bad motion sickness
Clumsiness
Worsening of other conditions
Handwriting nearly illegible
Inability to eat in the mornings
Carpal tunnel symptoms
No Appetite
Worsening Varicose Veins
Tailbone pain
A cold bum, butt, derriere, gluteus maximus, haunches, hindquarters, posterior, rear, and/or cheeks. Yup, really exists.
Extreme hunger, especially at nighttime (yes, a minority had this)
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