Battling The Darkness For No Answers...
Darkness Creeps In
As I lay in bed, drifting off to sleep, my brain takes advantage of my inattention to ramble down a road of thoughts suppressed. It's a path shrouded in darkness, shadows, and pain. A path I have not allowed my thoughts to travel on in quite some time.
You see, when you go through severe emotional trauma, sometimes the only way to get past it, is to shut it off! After all that happened this summer with our animals I have had to move forward and not allow it to succumb me!
But as my thoughts wander without my secure grip on them, they go to my goats that I lost and it hurts so raw it's as if it just happened. The tears start rolling down my face and soaking into my pillow as I try to stop my thoughts. These sneaky little devils are a bitch sometimes! Part of me wants to let go and just cry and feel the pain and allow it to take over. Part of me feels guilty for not letting the grief take over.
But then there's my logical brain that says, don't even go there! I know that once I allow the pain to flow freely I won't have control anymore. I won't be able to reign it back in. So I stick to survivor mode and begin shutting down my brain once more. Blocking out the sad pain of my weary heart! Ah, success, now I can sleep...
The rest of my night was insomnia at it's worst. But no more sad thoughts so that's better, I guess. I can live without sleep but I can't live with depression which is exactly where I'll find myself if I allow it.
After a long night of trying to sleep I finally just get up early and double dose my coffee intake... I go about my morning routine of taking care of our goats and making sure they are pampered and loved. You never know when you might lose one and have to start all over again. I am very attached to my goats, we are bonded! Each one of them holds a very special place in my heart.
Then I get an email notification. It's from the state lab that did the necropsy on Peanut. It has been 6 weeks since we brought her in for answers. Answers we will never have.
"The specific cause of death is unclear in this case"
I read through all the medical lingo pulling out what I understand but this sentence is really the only one that sticks with me.
To the lab techs and vets this is over now that no more goats are sick and/or dying, but to me, it is never over. There will be many more nights that I suppress my feelings and keep the tears from flowing because that's the only way I can survive. To have another day to pamper and love my goats I still have.
Rose ~ The Goat Lady
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the person who keeps the goat is the most honorable person. because in the Bible already explained about the leader in this world, starting with herding goats. we can see the greatest and even the legendary king of daud who started from herding goats. And the Moses who transformed the Israelites from the bondage to the promised land also from the goat herders. And we can also see the extraordinary story of abraham, also from a shepherd. so we can take the wisdom here, which is that a leader starts from the shepherd. send regards for success
Thank you
Praying for you @wholesomeroots #homesteading
Thank you!
Another unsolved mystery... that's no good.
you should also give medicine for your goats. which is made by yourself in the way of vermentation. good luck always,, thanks
It must e so frustrating not to know what caused this! Hope your pain will get less with time. I can't even imagine how helpless that must feel.
Hopefully, all your other animals will be doing great from here on out.
Thank you, it has been difficult.
You have hugs from me and anything else I can send.
Thank you friend!
Some folks have no clue how attached we get to our critters. You've lived through a horrible thing, over an over again. That fear will probably never leave you completely. All we can do is move forward. Much love, light and hugs to you.
I was just telling Ryan last night that that is the worst part of it all. It kept happening over and over and over again! And over a very prolonged period of time! I seriously am traumatized from it! I still tense up every morning walking into the barn to check if everyone is okay. It' no longer just a happy good morning but its, did that goat move? or is it sleeping or dead? is that diarhea on tail or just hay? why didn't that one run up to door faster? seriously...
I remember Dad talking about soldiers being "shell shocked". You lived through the perfect storm, the likes that probably won't happen again in your life time. Wasn't it some bizarre weather patterns that caused an unseen mold that poisoned the goats? I swear I remember reading that somewhere. No matter the cause. I am so sorry you are living in fear, when your goal was peace out on the homestead.
Yes, mold is our biggest suspicion and makes the most sense. I just wish it was detectable in the necropsy so I could really put it to rest.
The official results are disappointing and frustrating. That e-mail must have brought back so much. I feel for you. Lots of hugs...
Yes, it is and was... Thank you!
Yup .... hugs are overdo and will be redeemed in 2 weeks :) Don't even "personally" know you but still love ya !!
I can't wait to hug my friend!
Very raw and emotional post, Rose. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I can't believe they couldn't confirm what happened. You did SO much to try and get answers. I suppose it's just important to look forward and use that devastating time to learn. My thoughts are with you all. x
Thank you! We are pushing forward!
Wow, that 'official' result has got to be frustrating. You checked, double-checked, and re-checked everything else. The logical conclusion is that it was the same cause as the others. So sorry that e-mail triggered all the emotions to re-surface. I hope the shadows pass quickly.
Thank you. I have my ups and downs but I'll get through...