Did they survive? Live writing critiques in Session 10's writing class (Summary)

In this week's writing class I shared critiques on three posts from three brave Steemit users. They did indeed survive! Thank you to @tessaragabrielle, @evlachsblog, and @dynamicrypto! You were all gracious and took the criticisms well.

They've all agreed to share the critiques with the world so in this summary I'm going to go through them one at a time, but first I'll share the behind the scenes method I used. If you want to skip to one part you can use the links below:

• Methodology (fancy word for how I did the critique)
  -- The Criteria
• @Tessaragabrielle
• @evlachsblog
• @dynamicrypto

Methodology (fancy word for how I did the critique)

Most writing review groups will use some kind of table or list of criteria to help focus the comments. It avoids people using vague responses such as "I like it" or "It was dreadful." Neither of those two comments would be helpful to the author. Even if the first one said "It's amazing!" it isn't useful. Don't get me wrong. It's nice to hear things like that about something you've written. But we all know nothing is perfect, and we secretly suspect that the person is either lying or just doesn't want to hurt our feelings.

Rating a written work using criteria helps both the reviewer and the writer. If the piece is amazing, the specifics of how and where will show on the list. And chances are there may be something that could be improved - perhaps it was just a little less amazing than the rest. Writer's want to get better, so we want to know where that room for improvement is.

Of course, if someone's work isn't good (though there is always something good if you look for it), then the criteria can help the author focus specifically on areas that need improving. It's always hard to hear negative feedback, but it's probably the best thing to hear if you want to get better.

The criteria

The criteria I put together for this challenge is a combination based on my experience in copywriting (think advertising writing) and blogging in general. I think the items on the list address what posts on Steemit are all about.

For example, most blog quality/review checklists include things like search engine optimization (SEO). On Steemit you can write your blogs with SEO in mind, but there isn't the same kind of control and tools to do it as you have a Wordpress blog say. So I didn't include any of that kind of criteria. Most of us here are writing to be seen by other Steemit users and not search engines anyway.

Here's the list I used:

Overview:

1. Has an attention grabbing headline
2. There is an engaging opening that makes the reader want to keep reading
3. At least 2 photos that help tell the story
4. Is formatted for easy reading - short paragraphs, bullet lists, quotes (no speed bumps)
5. Formatted with subheadings that are easy to read, create interest, and relate to the content
6. Images are sourced

Detailed:

1. Follows a logical flow - from beginning to end - appears planned out.
2. Clearly edited with minimal or no typos
3. "Grade" level below 9 (5-7 best)
4. Is concise within the style of writing
5. Has a clear goal, if applicable
6. Powerfl close, asking for, or inducing people to comment

I rated each of the criteria on a scale from 1-10. 10 being the best and 1 being the worst.

In the critiquest that follow, I share feedback on the piece as a whole, then the ratings. And finally, I explain why I gave the scores I did for each item(if it was less than a 10).

If you can, open each post so you can see both the post and the critique at the same time. I think it will make it easier to follow along.

@tessaragabrielle

First, please go and read the post she submitted for review:

A Thin Line Between Adventure and Disaster, Or: Help, I Need an Adult

Here is my comment for the piece overall:

It’s an engaging story told authentically in a unique voice. I felt the rollercoaster of excitement, anxiousness, and then the sad realization of what was to come (the pain).

I felt depressed at that point and almost didn’t want to keep reading. But I needed to. I needed to know where the blog was going and that she ended up ok. On subsequent reads, I didn’t feel so down at that same point in the story. Not sure if that was me reading it in different moods or if I just knew what was coming. Either way though she describes it all beautifully.

Here are her individual scores:

Below is my feedback on each of the criteria she didn't score a 10.

Has an attention grabbing headline:

It’s actually 2 headlines. The first part hints at something that could be intriguing - where is that thin line, was it crossed and how? Though the second part ties in nicely with the way the piece closes, I don’t think it helps in the headline.

There is an engaging opening:

The hint of trouble makes it interesting. She ends the paragraph with the idea of reading a book in the park which sounds a little mundane and boring - except that she planted the seed of “trouble” in the previous sentence. Which is the reason I, and probably most readers, keep going.

Formatted with subheadings:

There are none. She could write interesting leadins for each part of the story. For example, just before she dives into the directions Google Maps gave, she could add a subheading of “Not what I expected,” or she could have put that in front of the previous paragraph too.

The subheads serve to break up the text visually, move the reader along with a little tease of information, and help people skim if they need to. Like if someone wanted to come back to her story later, they’d find the spot they want easier with the subheads.

Clearly edited:

She did an amazing job editing. She is comma happy, but I think they are all in the right places for how she wanted the piece to be read (I’m guilty of this too. Drives my daughter crazy). I’m in awe of her proper use of the form “lay.” I had to look it up actually. The differences between “lay” and “lie” are the most confusing for me. I blame it on some psychological block from middle school grammar class. It just won’t stick! But she did it correctly.

The only spot I found that felt like something was missing was in the second paragraph “because dog poop.” That stopped me reading for just a second. Of course, it’s clear what she meant, but it feels like there should be an “of” or be “dogs” instead. And I’m nitpicking here I admit.

Is concise within the style:

Her style is a bit rambling. That’s fine, as it feels like her natural way of telling a story. I can see her telling a table or roomful of friends this story just as she's written it. But there are just a few spots where breaking up a sentence might have made more powerful impacts. But this is a stylistic choice. I could give specific suggestions, and she could take them or leave them depending on how it feels to her.

Has a clear goal:

Her goal isn’t clear from the beginning. It starts off just sharing her day and her misadventures but ends up asking for others to post theirs and sharing the bad experiences along with the good. I think she could have started out with that in mind and created an intro that would tie both the story and her desire for others to share all together nicely.

A couple very specific notes I had were on the following:

In the first paragraph, she uses the word "juuuuuuuust."

I love that. I think it is a great way to show how she means the word - I can hear her (or what I imagine her voice is) saying it.

But there are hardliners who will reject that out of hand. To me, it's a style choice. To other's, it's a grand violation of grammar law.

One other spot I'll mention is the following paragraph:

And now that I’m home safe, I’m worried about everything: were there ticks? Will I have bug bites I haven’t noticed yet? Did I accidentally brush some poison oak without noticing? I'm in pain, but my brain won't let me relax. Thanks, anxiety!

There's nothing wrong with that sentence, but putting the worries into a bulleted list might make it more impactful, and separate out the worry items from the remaining text.

Again though, a style choice and just something to consider.

Thank you @tessaragabrielle!

@evlachsblog

First, please go and read the post she submitted for review (note she has already updated the post based on the feedback from the critique):

The Main Models for Raising Bilingual (or Multilingual) Children and How to Support Them

Here is my comment for the piece overall:

It is well written and researched, yet also includes personal examples. That I think is the best combination for informational type posts because it helps make the subject feel grounded or "real" rather than academic or scholarly. Her passion for the subject is apparent which made me want to keep reading to hear her thoughts on it.

Here is her score chart:

Has an attention grabbing headline:

The use of "main models" in the headline doesn't add anything and for me put a stumbling block right at the beginning. For someone interested in the topic, what would they want to see? What would they be asking?

Would they say "What are the main models for raising a multilingual child?" or would they be asking "How do I help my child become bilingual?"

When crafting headlines, especially for an informational one, it helps to focus on what your potential readers might be asking.

An alternative for this might be: How to support your multilingual child or How to raise a multilingual child

NOTE: Write for your audience.
Note that @evlachsblog agreed and changed the headline. As we went through the critique, she mentioned she is a teacher, and the parts that were unclear to me were probably well understood by her fellow teachers. So this highlighted the fact that when writing the headline - or anything - you need to keep your audience in mind. Her original headline might have probably would have been good for an article designed for her fellow teachers, but on Steemit with a broader community, it wasn't as intriguing.

There is an engaging opening:

In the beginning, she says "we all know" about how children learn languages quicly (paraphrasing). That's what the first paragraph feels like - you're telling me something I already know. The second paragraph with her personal experience is great but feels like it needs just a little bit of a lead in.

So if she cut the first paragraph and maybe added a short intro of why she was writing this - even if it is to say because so and so on this other post asked about it, that would give more context. Or she could start of from the middle of the third paragraph where she starts talking about her own desire to have multilingual children.

These would basically give the reader the context to understand why she is sharing the information. There are other ways to approach it too. Those are just suggestions.

The point is to get to the "meat" faster, however she wants to do that.

At least 2 photos:

I gave a 0 because there is only 1. But having 2 is just an arbitrary number because I'm thinking of the first as a thumbnail for the post you'll see in the feed for example, and a second picture would be something to add a little spice. But if there isn't one that fits, she shouldn't try to make one fit if that makes any sense.

If there isn't another picture that's relevant really, she can also consider making one out of the content. For example, she says in one spot that 100% of the Filipino children can't speak the language (in her school). That's a surprising and possibly troubling statistic. So including that as an image to highlight it is an option.

This is done in downloadable content like white papers all the time. You pull out something significant like a quote or statistic to highlight it and break up the text a little. It teases the reader so they'll want to read the full text to find out more.

Formatted for easy reading:

Some paragraphs are a little long for reading on the screen, but generally, they are good.

Formatted with subheadings:

She used subheads, but I think they could have been a little better.

This one, for example, doesn't make sense to me as a subheading: According to Dr. Eisenchlas (2016), there are two main models for raising bilingual children.

Which brings me to a small side note. Who is Dr. Eisenchlas? Why should I care or believe what she has to say about raising multilingual children?

This might just be another spot where she wrote for the teachers and not the Steemit community. One or two sentences introducing her and why she's credible would have made a good transition at that point.

Clearly edited:

There are just a few spots where there are some extra words or confusing bits that may have been over looked during an edit. Some of it might also be because English isn't her first language, though it's hard to tell that from her writing (compared to other's I've read throughout my career).

Here's one example: They will be able to pick up and be more fluent in more than one language, for as long as they are always immersed in those particular languages.

"more fluent in more than..." is a little awkward and has some extra glue (see Writing notes Summary 9 for an explanation of "glue").

Another example is: I learnt English at school or mostly by self-taught through reading and watching American TV shows and movies.

The phrase "or mostly by self-taught" would be better as "but I'm mostly self-taught" as it's a little awkwardly phrased.

Is concise within the style:

Just like @tessaragabrielle, I think there are a few spots where she could cut out a few words, or break up a sentence to shorter ones but for the most part, it all fits her style.

Powerful close:

She could have asked people to share their experiences if they have children learning multiple languages. Or ask them to share different ways they help their children learn.

Still, she received a lot of comments! This goes to show that just because someone suggests something be changed, or that you could do something better, that doesn't make them right. When you get feedback, you have to decide whether or not that's what you want for your post.

Thank you @evlachsblog!

@dynamicrypto

First, please go and read the post he I chose for review. And to be fully transparent, he said I could critique him. He didn't specify a post, so I went and picked one of his latest. It may or may not be a reflection of what he does most of the time. I really just picked it blindly - once I checked to see it actually had words in it!

Steemit Meetup Planning in Philippines & Thailand

Here is my comment for the piece overall:

Short, sweet and to the point! He's on vacation and has much better things to do than write on Steemit, but I'm so happy he shared the gorgeous photos and is reaching out to fellow steemians in the region.

Here's his score chart:

Has an attention grabbing headline:

For anyone in that region of the world (Philippines) the title might catch their attention, but I thnk the word "planning" is a little weak. He could lead with his first sentence instead: Lets talk about a Steem Meetup in the Philippines & Thailand

That sentence is an invitation that may have been a better headline than just "planning."

If you read to the end of the post, he also promises to buy drinks and food. A headline that says "Free food and drinks at the Philippines & Thailand meetup!" might have grabbed even more attention. But then maybe that's not the attention he wants!

There is an engaging opening:

The pictures are awesome and make it feel personal - plus that first sentence kind of says it all.

That said, it takes 2 pictures, 2 sentences, and 1 paragraph before he starts talking about the meetup stuff so he could have gotten there faster.

Formatted for easy reading:

He has short paragraphs, but no formatting on his lists. The latter would have made it easier to read.

Formatted with subheadings:

He has them, but they don't explain what follows. I think a few more words or a sentence below the heading to explain what he means would have helped clarify.

For example: Confirmed

Below that is a date and a name. It's kind of obvious it means that person is confirmed for that event date, but another word or two would help the reader as it is jarring from the long list above to confirmed with no transition.

Maybe just "Confirmed as of (enter date)" or just under the confirmed put "These are the people I have confirmed so far."

I am nitpicking, probably.

The next subhead is kind of the same. Just one sentence or a slightly longer subhead would be helpful for clarity.

Follows a logical flow:

It's a bit chaotic going from personal stuff to business then back to personal. It could be more focused while being personal I think - but he did write on vacation which is more than I might do!

Clearly edited:

There are quite a few spelling and grammar errors that most checkers would have caught. I think he would have caught them too if he'd edited it (but again giving him a pass because he's on vacation).

Is concise within the style:

I think he's a little too concise, but that is part of his style I think. But he could use a little clarification in some parts (like discussed above).

Powerful close:

He asked for what he wanted - comments from people interested in coming, but then went on to talk about what else he's doing. That made it lose a little momentum when it came to getting people to engage because they'd stop and read that before commenting.

But I would guess it wouldn't stop anyone who was planning on going from commenting - just slow them down which in different circumstances might be a really bad thing since people's attention spans are so short.

Thanks, @dynamicrypto!

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