Old TV Made New Again

Coming this fall: A television season in which absolutely everything aired will be something you have seen before.

Long-jaded viewers may have anticipated this development over the past few decades, as networks, ever mindful of their profit margins, have broadcast fewer new episodes of every series each season.

So much for the bad news. The good news is that even though viewers may never again see an entirely new television program, they may not know it.

The new season will be built on continuing exponential advances in computer power and three-dimensional modeling, which have enabled producers to mine the vast raw materials of past hits and transform them in an infinite variety of ways. Beloved actors and actresses, whether living or dead, can now reappear in digitally rendered "new" scenes, even uttering "new" dialog.

"We can digitally create ten 'new' 26-episode programs featuring anyone already 'in the can' for roughly what we paid in salaries for one hit show last year," claimed Juan Morrtyme, television industry spokesman. "I think most viewers are going to be amazed by what we've been able to do with some of their old favorites."

Although none of the networks plan to make previews of their new programs available before they air, complete schedules and synopses for the new season have been released. A sampling of announced offerings created from network pooled video resources follows.

KWRP in Minneapolis (Sundays, 8 p.m., CBS) – The zany adventures of an ensemble cast of misfits struggling to make a success of a mediocre Midwest radio station. Starring Mary Tyler Moore as Mary Richards, heartwarming but plucky associate news producer; Ed Asner as Lou Grant, crusty but malleable station manager; Gordon Jump as Arthur Carlson, bumbling station owner and aspiring appliance repairman; and Loni Anderson as Jennifer Marlowe, a mind masquerading as a voluptuous blonde secretary. Promised guest stars include Gavin MacLeod as luxury oceanliner captain Murray Stubing; Ted Knight as ineffectual on-air newsman Les Nessman; Jan Smithers as Georgette Franklin, Nessman's girlfriend; and John Moffitt as the producer.

MASHE*R (Mondays, 10 p.m., CBS) – The madcap mishaps of an ensemble cast of misfits struggling to make a success of a mediocre Mobile Army Surgical Hospital Emergency Room. Starring Alan Alda as Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, wisecracking but skilled surgeon who sets new standards in male sensitivity; Harry Morgan as Col. Sherman Potter, the unit's gruff but infinitely wise administrator; George Clooney as Dr. Douglas Ross, a gifted but troubled visiting civilian doctor; and Anthony “Goose” Edwards as another, somewhat less troubled, civilian sawbones. Expected cameos will come from Loretta Swit as Nurse Carol Hathaway; Juliana Margulies as Maj. Frances Burns; Jamie Farr as Dr. Anna Del Amico; and DeForest Kelley as Dr. Leonard McCoy.

Mad About Seinfeld (Saturdays, 9 p.m., NBC) – The manic antics of an ensemble cast of misfits struggling to make a success of a mediocre marriage in the Big Apple. Starring Jerry Seinfeld as Paul Seinfeld, the earnest but confused husband; Helen Hunt as Jamie Buchman-Seinfeld, the difficult but lovable wife; Jason Alexander as George Seinfeld, Paul's conniving but endearing brother; and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Jamie's incredibly ditsy but forgivable sister. Recurring roles will go to Michael Richards as Peter Van Nostrand, the Seinfelds' properly British apartment neighbor; Brian George as Babu Bhatt, a luckless restaurant operator; and Jerry Mathers, as the Beaver.

All 117 internet television networks have fleshed out complete opening new season schedules employing the new technology, and they have a healthy stable of reconstituted mid-season replacements waiting in the wings. Among the more promising titles ready to take the stage are My Mother, Car 54; L.A. McBeal, That 70s Happy Days Show, Married Unhappily Ever After With Children, Charlie's Angelwatch and My Favorite ALF.

"With more than 60 years of television programming in our archives, the possibilities are endless," Morrtyme concluded.

NOTE: This a work of fiction. Mashups of old television shows are not really coming -- or are they?