Ask (No, Really, Just Ask)

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One reason people struggle to gain influence in their personal and professional lives is that
they simply don’t ask for what they want. This is, in part, because people drastically
underestimate the willingness of others to engage and help. Several replicated studies
show that people tend to say yes over three times as often as people thought they would.

This means that people are terrible at predicting whether someone will agree to any given
request. Another reason people fail to ask is because they think the other person will judge
them harshly. But it turns out that here, too, people are lousy fortune-tellers. Studies show
that people overestimate how often or to what degree others will judge them.

You can’t possibly know whether you have influence with your coworkers unless you
ask them to do something. The same goes for your spouse, neighbors, or boss. This is why
the kitchen table wisdom of “you never know until you ask” is so valid. It’s biblical, too:

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Part of gaining influence is simply learning to make a lot of
requests and getting better at making those requests (which comes only with practice).
Lots of people dream of having influence, but they never wield the most fundamental tool
in creating it: asking.
Underperformers fail to ask all the time. They let fear of judgment or rejection prevent
them from speaking up, asking for help, trying to lead. And the sad thing is, they’re
usually wrong.

I’ve been blessed to advise a lot of people in the media. You’d
be surprised how sensitive they get. All those years in the spotlight often blind them with
fears about what others think. Then, when they leave a show or try to do a business deal
on the side, they struggle to ask for what they really want. I often have to share some
tough love with them: “I understand you worry what others think. But if no one has ever
said it to you, here you go: Most people aren’t thinking about you at all. And even when
you put yourself in front of them to make a request and they say no, within minutes
they’re right back to not thinking about you. They’re not sitting there judging you; they’re
too busy dealing with their own life. So you might as well get on with it and ask.

Otherwise, you’ve set aside your dreams for judgments that probably don’t even exist.”
I also share this research fact with them: If someone does say yes to helping you, they
tend to like you even more after they’ve done something for you.

People don’t grudgingly
help you. If they didn’t want to, they’d probably say no. It’s counterintuitive, but if getting
people to like you more is the goal, then just ask them to do you a favor.

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Finally, when you do ask for what you want in life, don’t just ask once and quit.
Research shows that influencers understand the power of repetition, so they try multiple
times to get their ideas in front of those they hope to influence.

The more you ask and
share your ideas, the more people become familiar and comfortable with your requests,
and the more they start to like the idea.
Asking isn’t just about making requests to get what you want. If you seek greater
influence with other people, learn to ask them a tremendous number of questions that elicit
what they think, feel, want, need, and aspire to. Great leaders ask a lot of questions.

Remember, people support what they create. When people get to contribute ideas, they
have mental skin in the game. They want to back the ideas they helped shape. They feel
that they’re part of the process, not a cog or some faceless minion. It’s universally agreed
that leaders who ask questions and get those around them to brainstorm the path ahead are
more effective than “dictator” leaders who just push their demands and requests on
others.

This same principle works in your intimate relationship, your parenting style, your
community involvement. Ask people what they want, how they’d like to work together,
and what outcomes they care about. Suddenly, you’ll start seeing more engagement, and
you’ll have more influence.
If you want more influence, remember: Ask and ask often.