Are we projecting what we want from people when we meet them online?

I am angry. I am really, really angry. Why?

I was introduced to a guy the other day, friend of a friend. We connected on the basis that he is a music producer and I am a singer. We chatted briefly and exchanged more information. Then he messaged me via facebook and we began a dialogue – mostly about music at first and then we had a more in depth chat one evening in which we became a little friendlier and shared some details of our lives – he is having an issue with his knee and I have an issue with mine, so I was giving him some advice of how to deal with it. His problem is treatable and he is going to be having an op soon, but he is in a temporary funk about it. So we had a tentative connection other than the music. To be fair, it's nice to get to know people a little if you are going to work with them, so I was cool when he started asking me some deeper questions about my life. Prompted, I shared that I had recently been through a break up. Apart from that one evening, we have not been particularly chatty. Perhaps I should have kept it more professional but he seemed like a nice enough chap and I am a fairly open person – now I am wondering if I am too open.

Little did I know he had already begun to project his fantasies onto me. He lives a long way away, and I had explained that my ex and I had broken up because it became difficult being in a long distance relationship - so why on earth would this random guy assume that I would want to then jump into another long distance thing? I have no idea why he would think, that just because I am newly single, that suddenly I would want to take up with someone that I barely know, that I hadn't had a date with or even a long face to face conversation with, just on the basis of a brief online chat? I didn't suspect a thing. He sent me some tracks and this evening I began to look at them and work on them. I started messaging him to ask quick questions, not to chat as I was in work mode. Just things like, what is the BPM of this one, when is it being released, what vocal style are you looking for etc. I explained that I was only sketching ideas this evening and then would be going away for a day or two. He then asked where I'm going. I told him I am going to visit my ex boyfriend and his kids. So he then asked am I going to see my ex boyfriend or the kids? And I said both, I miss the kids and I still love him. At that point what I really should have said was “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” and then he asked me if it's wise. I said yes it's the right thing for me to do, it was the distance that came between us and I still love him and I am still the kids step-mum. I should have said 'WHAT THE HELL HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH YOU” but I was being (typically English and female) polite. And then he said “I am sorry, I have had a bad day and I am not in the mood to deal with this” at which point I should have said “WELL YOU ASKED MATE”. But instead, I was too nice like I always am (WHY?) and simply said “ouch - I hope you feel better” to which he didn't even respond.

And then I limped to the shops with a bad knee and bought a pack of tobacco (I don't usually smoke) and chocolate because I felt so annoyed. I am actually furious, because of the sense of entitlement, the projection of his needs onto me, the assumption that I was available to him if he so desired. I am angry because I was innocent, I thought he just wanted to work with me on some music. Why should I have to have my guard up all the time? Why can't a friend of a friend be respectful? I don't even know the guy! And I had put in about 2 hours of work on his tracks, out of respect for the introduction from my friend when actually I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIS MUSIC VERY MUCH but I thought he was a genuinely nice person and hard working producer and I wanted to give it a go on that basis. And on what planet do guys live on where they think that a woman is available to them just because she is being friendly and is single?

I feel upset, I feel unsafe. Of course, he can't do anything to me, he doesn't know where I live, and he is based miles away - he obviously just has some weird issues. Clearly I am not going to do any further work on his tracks now. Why can't people just be chilled out and respectful?

Maybe I am over-reacting but why am I even having to ask myself this question? I was not talking to him because I wanted to date him. I was talking to him because we both do music and thought we might collaborate. I feel like it's a difficult world to navigate, this online world. IMS creates an unusual sense of intimacy based on fantasy. People view each others' images and start to get a sense that they know the other person. IMO they don't. No matter how much you can converse with someone online you don't really know them until you spend real time with them and build up a connection based on more than simply chat. We can have much in common with another person in the virtual world - you can have sex, and build relationships, for sure. But how much of that is real and how much of that is in your mind alone? What do others think about this conundrum?

Are we just projecting what we want from people when we meet them online?