March First's Too Early Prefatory

"Let's start my feed with a big HI! Not that I just had a big cup of instant coffee to brighten up my day, but because I wanted this chance to make a connection to my future readers. Maybe a lot of people won't even give their five seconds to finish until the second sentence I wrote. But for me, today I just made one of the biggest decision in my life.

I wanna give a fair warning that: one, you'll notice I'm a person full of sentiments; two; I love imagery and details that would remind you (especially if you're a Filipino like me) of your childhood, or maybe your past heartaches; three, you'll learn a bunch of my secrets. Because you know what? Denniel is a young woman who had and have been making her own rough path away from the norms. I came from a financially stable family, I could say we could afford to pay a visit to the city weekly and have a hefty dinner with my family and buy the supplies from the National Book Store without mentally calculating the total of the stuff we have to buy, both needs and wants. Denniel grew up receiving medals annually up un the academic stage. You guys could say she's intelligent or industrious. She was born to sing, dance, sketch, paint and lead, and why does this young woman had been depressed two times already?

KZ Tandingan sings a Mandarin ballad on the speaker I had borrowed from my Ate (elder sister). I remember something funny about this because a month and a half ago I packed my stuffs going to Baguio City for my MedTech internship. Four big boxes, another box full of bags and pouches, one traveling backpack and, lastly, one tote bag. And among all these bunch of things, the speaker had been my daily company in all through modes of my life, sober, drunk, happy, depressed, etc. Glad that my sister allowed me to have it; guilty that I leave it always charging when I am away for my duty. As yet another song shuffled, my journey of Steemit starts. I crossed my fingers hoping this is finally one reason I can hold onto and say "I've been productive".

I was born an achiever and yet I still find myself lacking that self-esteem. From not raising my hand in Elementary days when they ask who could give an intermission song, until here, deciding to drop out from college just 4 months before my allotted graduation in June. I will not blame my parents that I'm already here and have to say this is not the course I've been wanting in the first place. My father dreamed of having me not just a successful doctor, but a booming specialist of Narvacan someday. I remember a decade ago I was excited telling them about my dreams of having my own hospital in our hometown. But dreams change like life always does.

March 1st, this is the third day in a row that I haven't been to the laboratory. In the 26th of February and I just came out from an 8-hour duty, which should only be six hours from 6 am to 12 noon, I wasn't new to physical and mental exhaustion. I took three pieces of Macapuno treats and some cookies n cream kisses, and lay on my bed, not minding the dirty duty bag beside me. As usual, I would eat these treats away while I scroll on my phone and gradually drift onto sleep. And I am that type of person who can sleep even if I have only about a quarter space left on my bed, the rest taken up by books or unfolded washed clothes I just took from rack. That day, I woke up and the time was almost 8 in the evening, still dressed with my scrubsuit, and still I would not get up. Feeling lazy because the heaviness of my depression clings in all of my body and also because of the greater cold breeze of Baguio nights. When I finally had the slightest motivation to heat up food from my refrigerator and eat the remaining contents of the rice cooker, I'd feel active again... at scrolling my social media accounts. This is the passive life that most newer generations tend to get used to. The paradox of millenial life. Until, again, insomnia makes me stay awake, the sickness I've always had since I was a kid who still wasn't even obliged to be busy with school, an idea brushed through my mind. I am a nocturnal person, the reason I am little shorter than my siblings considering I'm not the youngest, and the reason why I've always been the creative and studious type, however, whose deep thoughts can reach all sorts of dimensions of reality. Overthinking, in short. I think it was August last year when I ditched coffee after suffering too much pain of having kidney stones. Yet, I could only say I get an early sleep or nap when I get extremely tired. And that night after downloading most of Sabrina Claudio's music and the soundtrack of Fifty Shades of Gray: Freed, I wanted the idea of dropping out from college, from all the stress of that sick laboratory.

I knew I have plenty of time to think about it more because my next duty the following day would be at 1 in the afternoon. I weighed the consequences until my head ached. But that afternoon, I didn't show up. It biased me to feel better after the skies of Baguio rained that hour I'm supposed to be walking my way to the hospital and starting my hellish duty. My classmates asked but I didn't give a damn responding. Day off came. Still, I was unproductive. Even though I've had various ideas like registering to be an online English tutor or designing my own business, etc. The night of my day off, I asked myself if I should attend the next day. I wasn't even surprised that I didn't actually set up my serial alarms on my phone. The more I realized this is what I wanted. So yesterday few minutes before March entered, I've been googling about place where to retreat near or around Baguio. I wanted my ex, my friends and my family to realize things from my absence. Although it definitely bothered my conscience to make my parents and my siblings nervous, especially my Mama whose still recovering from her recent surgical operation. I wanted them to feel the guilt and regrets, my importance and my ambitions. Five days would be good. Staying on an isolated house in the middle of the fields delighted me better than staying on a retreat house owned by a religious group. I yearned for peace and suffering. I wanted this badly after muttering "putanginang buhay" under my breath or sometimes yelling it multiple times in a day, every damn day. Sleep caught up on me before I could even fully search my ideal retreat-to-be. So to sum it up, I failed on planning yet again another good idea. I felt down again realizing I haven't been really productive on all the days I wasted my attendance. It is March 1st and I am here skipping breakfast like the days before. Maybe ketosis is good for the brain but this wasn't my intention. I just really lost the appetite... especially the appetite to live."

...not too excited to post, am I? It was March 13 when I was welcomed by Steemit family. But here I am in this sunny day of April 16th, a very usual summer day of the Orient, procrastinated logging in for more than a month, but has forgotten that I already wrote my prefatory text. Silly Den!

Catch up on me as I knead on more stories about my imperfectly perfect aptitudes 💋