My journey for becomeing a physicist to nearest death experience (swc)

Hay, friendI am Siddharth Rout from India 19 year old today by suggestions of @jerrybanfield going to write a supernatural event in my life from own experience I am not good in English sorry if I do any error so let's get into the topic In 2015 I am passed my cbse board exam after that for higher studies I joined a college known as bkd college I really want to learn Physical science so started studying . That time don't believe in supernatural power and god because I believe everything can be achieved with hard work ,, after that I have passed my exam with good mark I am so much happy and confidence..I want to earn bachelor degree in physics but our college don't have license for the course , after hearing this news I disappointed so much and select math(hons) for studying provide enforcement to my self. Keep saying to me math is the mother of all subjects , also there is many way to become physicist after studying math, but I really want to study physics, also can't imagine my study with out physics , hide from the world always cried at night and always think that happened to me there is only government is responsible and always stick to Google to find outside any way for physics after Bsc (math) and find out many way and after that I admission in math . This process is a very tricky process in India if you once admission in any subjects you can't change it before all students select and admission so I started studying math but my heart is physics so I feel so bad every day and always think I am dumb person in the world my other friend started studying their favorite subject and keep on joking and calling me scientist it feel so much pain . There is a point where I think for died and tried to suicide two time On my first try of suicide my closest friend help me. And second time I am in medical I don't know how I am alive I jumped from a high building , even nothing of my body part factured my family are woried for me and I feel so much dumb all students are admission and I go to college , without caring what they whispering and my life become normal after one month of my admission but I don't believe in God and supernatural power but on that day I just wish to God please God give me a chance to study physics I never believe on you but if you exist plz give me a chance to study physics , what I hear about you everything I do bcz you want to do from me,, on that assume I am wanting to studying physics because of you want to I want that then why god by showing me dream now you stand like wall to achieve it .I cried and sleepAnd wake up at morning with greatest hope of somethingAnd go to college and I just can't believeWhen I checked notice board i find our college was offered 16 sit in physics by our University it is most happiest moment when I see it . Really it is more than

it is really supernatural

I just can't believe it ,, our college was offered 16 sit it is miracle ,, even I know the decision by University is not one night decision ,, it is decided before my worship to God but it appears miracle But wait there is something happened similar to miracle ,, the 16 sit was offered to those students haveing less mark all 16 sit are fill up ,, so I disappointed it is more pain full than before event ,, I really broken up and felt like god want to criticize me,, I thought god want to challenge me.. and he just want to say me you can't did anything without me ,, you are dumb ,looser and I feel offensive and decided try any way to become physicist.. I was very fraustred and can't decide what I gonna do. But I don't know how a student who admission in 16 sit he just leave the sit and go for engineering study. I admission on the sit now I am studying physics I really happy with that but after some month when I think about that this is the only way , process in which I can get a physics sit bcz my college rank is 35 and 16sit maybe choose by those who have less rank so I may not able to study physics but in this way I find way to study physics by basic knowledge of physics I know there are no probability in physics everything is just decided before also what gonna happen in future by simple math for example we can know weather ,or planetary motion Bcz everything just math equation and praticles motions probablity only exist in quantum mechanics so what just happened to me it just decided before So if something happened near to miracles it means nature with you and your surroundings must help you by believing that I got more confident to live life now I am alone my all friend who criticize me.i have good relations with them waiting a moment when my dream become true yes I believe in God bcz God is something who make you you ,, bcz if you pray to God for a Nobel prize god don't give you that he make things logically not magically so if you wish for Nobel prize you have to put in a such condition in which you are completed for Nobel prize what all world know you did it ,, but you are put in such condition to do that even when I worship it is also decided before ,, I mean just use our commonsense if I am not in such condition I never worship for god , after all we reach at this point supernatural thing really exist who help us to become who we are? Our worship not work for it . What is happening it just have to happen only thing we can do for god ,, believe on them ,, and search for them to find them Now thank you for reading And I am sorry for my mistake