funny jokes for you
1 A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her
taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He
gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your
occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says,
“No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase
that.” The woman, “OK, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The
accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a
prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
2
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled.
It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel
came down and approached the teacher. She said, “You are doing such a good job
teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite
money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge.” Thinking for a minute, he humbly
asked for infinite wisdom.
She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came for-
ward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom. He said, “It would
have been wiser to take the money...”
3An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says, “I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer.”
BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector.
“Ok”, he says, “10 bottles.” And the machine is silent.
The American says, “I think I can eat 15 ham-burgers.” BUZZZZZZ goes the lie
detector.
“All right, 8 hamburgers.” And the machine’s silent.
The Sardarji says, “I think...” BUZZZZZZZZZ goes the machine.
4 A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed
into the woman’s vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his
shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be
reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting
honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the
occasion. “If neither of you objects,” the medic said, “I could give it a try.”
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on
some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing
alarm as the doctor’s thrust continued for several long minutes. “Hey, what the
hell is happening?”
“Change of plans,” The physician panted. “I’m going to drown the little bastard!”
5 A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no
scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays
with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, “How the hell can you
stay down this deep without equipment?”
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, “You asshole, I’m drowning.”
6 One day Man Singh sees Rana walking around town with nothing on except his
gun belt and his boots. Man Singh says “Rana, what the hell are you doing walking
around town dressed like that?”
Rana replies “Well Man, it’s a long story!”
Man says he isn’t in a hurry and that Rana should tell the story.
Rana continues “Well Man, me and Mary was down on the farm and we started a
cuddling. Mary said we should go in the barn and we did.” “Inside the barn we
started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary
said that we should go up on the hill so we did.” “Up on the hill we started a kiss-
ing and a cuddling and the Mary took off all her clothes and said that I should do
the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary lay on the ground, opened her legs and said, “Okay Rana, go to town.”
7 Mrs. Menka goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor
looks at Mrs. Menka and says the following: “Mrs. Menka, overall you are very
healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds
overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to
save any complications in later years.”
She looks sternly at him and says, “I demand a second opinion.”
“Ok” he says, “you’re fucking ugly as well!”
8 A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to
each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any
hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.
“Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watch-
tower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing
stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey,
no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the sec-
ond man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screw-
ing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back,
“We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be
replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new
friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-
a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.