#MyStory trending on Twitter

This is a difficult post to write.

In the last few days we have lost Kate Spade, a renowned designer, and Anthony Bourdain, a famous chef and infamously outspoken critic of basic humanity here in the US and around the world. It goes to show you that even though, on the surface, that people who seem to have everything they could possibly want or need at their fingertips, still deal with inner demons.

As I scan Twitter, like I usually do, I watched the #MyStory start trending and I have to admit it's been a difficult day for me. I've been dealing with my own personal demons almost as far back as I can remember. I was the kid that was bullied by my classmates and left out of the birthday parties and felt generally friendless and different. As a teenager, I remember having crushes on other boys around my age but at the time I was very naive and didn't even know what a gay person was.

The first time I tried to harm myself by overdose, I was fourteen years old. I was attending a Catholic military school and I felt like a bigger nobody than ever . I was completely unprepared for the expectations this type of school required. Add to this the threat of corporal punishment by teachers and a father that never spared the rod and there I am, this mousey, soft-spoken boy in a school that is basically teaching the alpha mentality

I grew up in a devout Catholic family and attended a Catholic school and church every Sunday. I was eighteen years old before I had any idea that I might be gay. It happened quite by accident when a friend of a friend made sexual advances on me one night partying and drinking on the beach. I still remember the date and the circumstances quite clearly after more than thirty years. I will interject here that I've always been a bit of a daydreamer and had quite the rich fantasy life. Sadly, the incident of my first homosexual experience turned out to be heartbreaking. Afterwards, I was left with dealing with the realization of who I really was and how that fit into what I was raised to believe from my religious upbringing. To top it all off, I was going through the first time I lost a loved one with the death of my maternal grandmother. She was the glue that kept my large family very connected.

I was nineteen years old the second time I tried to harm myself. I remember cruising the squares of downtown Savannah because I heard through the grapevine that a lot of gay guys did. I would hook up with anonymous guys and then, out of discust, run home and scrub the evidence away. I was lying to family and friends about what I was up to and just repeating the same behavior again and again.

Fast forward a few years and I'm in my first relationship with a man. He seemed like a decent guy considering he was a police officer and he helped out guys that had been in trouble by putting them to work for a lawn care service he had as a side business. In private, he told me that he needed sex every day or he would get backed up and go nuts. He made me feel like it was my responsibility to keep him sane. I realized that I was in an emotionally abusive situation and I literally ran away from everything and everyone I knew with the clothes on my back and a few hundred dollars. I ended up in Key West and it was the best thing I ever did. I ran into someone I kind of knew and he hooked me up with a job and a place to stay. It was there that I met my soul family. The kind of people that would literally give you the shirt off their back or if you needed more would raise money within the community. I finally came out to my parents and because of the support I had found in my new home, it was on my terms. I told my parents if they couldn't love me for who I was then I couldn't have them in my life. I felt strong and unburdened for the first time ever.

This is just part of my story. I still deal with depression and anxiety from time to time but I've learned a few tricks to help myself through it. I've gotten help and tried medical treatments but I found that I'm better at dealing with my low points in a different way than traditional remedies. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with those things but if it's unavailable, there are ways to help yourself as well.

I guess the whole point of this post is that we're stronger than we think sometimes. You really have to delve into your hopes and fears and figure out if you're being realistic with yourself. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself and practice self care. If talking to someone or taking medications seems right for you then do it. Sometimes just talking it out helps you figure it out for yourself.

I appreciate you reading my story and if it helps anyone, even better. Peace