This May Goodbye

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It's my birthday. I'm turning 37. This number has played a significance in my life. Both my father and brother passed away at 37. Needless to say, 37 has been an age that scares my family. I figured since my oldest brother and my brother just older than me made it past 37, I should be safe, but then I recognized a pattern. My Dad died at 37, oldest brother lived, next brother, passed at 37, next brother lived and now me!!!

Although I don't actually believe I will pass at 37 it doesn't stop my wondering mind from thinking about the possibility. I make bad jokes about this with those closest to me. It's my way of relieving anxiety. I am not personally afraid to die. I don't fear what comes next. You see I could never imagine doing that to my mother and boys. My brother's death had a tremendous impact on my family and I would hate to see them suffer further. They haven't fully recovered from his passing. They shouldn't have to deal with another and although I know my boys would be fine I would hate to see them suffer.

I wanted to take a moment and write to everyone in my life because if I was to die this year I would not want to leave without saying these things. Read these as if I've passed.

Girlfriend,

I know it's been under a year that you have known me, but I want you to know this. I have never felt so supported before. You have such an unfathomable amount of trust and faith in who I am. I know this time is difficult for you. I know I am the first man to make you feel loved and that you believe you will never find another to make you feel this way. I say the most important person you need this love from is you. I know you've felt it before, but I believe you easily fall back into not loving yourself. You don't see the brilliant and compassionate person you are. The depth of your heart. You may not think you are good with words, but when you write them your words fill a room with love. I shall be watching over you. I'll smile as you grow into the powerful women you are meant to be. It will fill my heart with joy to witness your purpose lighting a fire inside you. I will always love you and I will always be a part of you. Please play Bob Marley's "No Women No Cry" at my funeral.

Boys,

Cry if you need. Curse the world if you need. Go break something. You are the reason I lived as long as I did. If you hadn't been there I would have disappeared and all these thousands of people who now show me love would not know me. I know you are hurting. That you are in shock thinking of the idea that I will no longer be there to hold you when you are sad. I will not be there to advise you the way a father should. I will miss you three most of all. You are the most important to me. Remeber everything will be alright. You don't need to hold to the pain of my loss to honor my life. If you want to honor me and make me proud go forth and show your love and brilliance to the world. You will fail many times in your life, you will hurt many times and I'm sorry I can't be there to ease your pain. Push past that. This world needs those hearts and brains. Live in the moment. Love without fear and without expectation of reward or return. Compliment yourself daily or even hourly. For the world will drag you down enough. I want you to always remember the reason I was thankful my Dad passed. This will let you know that everything happens for a reason. That life can only be understood in reverse, but you must live it in a forward motion.

Brothers & Sisters,

I'm so sorry. You are all amazing and I know this will only make you closer. I want you all to laugh at my funeral. I want you to throw a huge party and celebrate life. If you don't I'll haunt you. Let's be honest I'll haunt you either way. Strange silly things will happen randomly to you. I want you to know that's me. Never has there been a more loving group of people. I say open up and share this love with the World. Please check in on my boys and I want you to call Mom once a week and say I love you. Peace bitches

Bestie,

If you follow me like you have promised I'll make sure you are reincarnated as your ex. You know I can make that happen. If you ever miss talking to me look in the mirror and talk to yourself. I'm sure that amazing kind soul inside has the same answer. Stop talking about doing the stuff you want to do and just go do it. Yeah, I know you may fail and for some reason, you equate that with failure and beat yourself up, but if you fail. Get your ass back up and do the next thing. Learn to love to fail, because it means that which no longer serves you is saying goodbye. Just like me, you have a problem with never giving up, so the things that we aren't supposed to do have to give up on us. They actually have to hurt us tremendously for us to let go. I love you. Open up to random strangers and find that you are not alone. Many feel the way you do.

Friends,

If you don't throw the largest burningman/EDC style show in my honor then we are not friends. Stay as loving as you are. Thank you for this journey. I've gained so much from each and every one of you. Love you PLUR af peeps.

Mama,

Oh sweetness, don't hurt for me. You don't deserve more pain. You have given so much to this world. I know you tried your best and gave us children everything you could. You are not to blame for our suffering. Stop taking the blame on yourself. You need to be more selfish. It's not bad to show yourself love. All I've ever wanted from you is to see you smile and maybe make you say dirty things with cards against humanity and I got plenty of both. Love you Mama. I will be waiting to greet and hug you. I was so lucky to have your guidance and you showed me how to love and for that everyone above owes you a huge thank you. I want both your hands in the air and your middle fingers up while riding a dolphin then I can rest easy :) Love you

To everyone else,

I leave with a haiku

The breaking spark at dawn
the transformation of my
everlasting spirit

Filling the cracks left in
my quakes no need to worry
of those past mistakes

A part of you I
shall remain for my love there
is no restain

I Love You All