If Not this then What?

People like to criticize, point out mistakes and challenges without giving any alternative modes or solutions. They sometimes enjoy that you have problems. They like that you become like them too, by resorting to not having any other way but their way. I once asked a friend who told me the difficulties of what I have been doing "if not this, then what?". What else should I be doing in my life?

He does not have any answers, this is not his life. I have my truth and reality, my presence at the table matters. He has his own. I don't need anyone's permission to build my own table.

I am now facing the discouraging realities of going out of my way to start my own thing and pursue my life goals. I was just reading an article a couple of minutes ago while having my coffee and cake to somehow cope with all the stress of my waking moment. The article was about how people used to build their web pages and blog by hand, pure HTML, and CSS. God, I used to do that too, and it felt like it was not long ago that I was looking at these flashing gifs, large fonts, dull gray colors, bright blue hyperlinks and all that super 90s web aesthetics all night, alone in some 24-hour gamers' cafe filled with stinking morning saliva. You used to work hard if you are to build something from scratch. You can still do that today though. But why bother if there's the convenience of blogging platforms and social media where everything is already designed and configured for you. You just need to open your mouth and you will be spoon-fed. You can still do a bit of customization but you just have to comply to that corporate overall design without a choice. You are on their land anyway. You have lost control. You have lost that freedom. Anything easy, anything free is more costly.

The article triggered me for a bit. Am I here looking for a shortcut to building something as I'm faced with all the difficulties of getting my project off the ground? And what would be the cost if I choose that way? Knowing myself, I don't want to lose control over my own thing. If that is the case, then I should just go back to the whole 'working for others' kind of thing. Let them take all the wealth and credit for my own hard work. Let them have complete control over my life all over again.

If that is if not this, then no. I am trying to stay calm so I can mentally prepare for all the steps that I have to take. There are the same old parts of the game, disappointing situation, losing money, thickening your face, facing rejection, swallowing your pride and complying to all the bureaucratic procedures even if it means perpetuating the crooked. The reality is that everything is too much for me to handle, it is easier to just give up and go to the 'what else if not this'. It is easier to just mindlessly exist. Deep down, I know that I will feel more sense of pride and accomplishment if I treat this just like the old-school web pages that I used to build by hand. Hey, that's my design! My life, my design.

Yesterday I was searching for ways to get this project legally off the ground without going hungry on the street, yet. I found this recent tax exemption program and support for micro businesses and startups, and hopefully, I will be able to apply and get approved for it. One should not have any assets less than this amount, should not be a government licensed individual (lawyer, doctor, engineer etc.), should have a small business engaged in production or manufacturing of products, goods, trade and services, cannot afford to hire workers or can pay them only less than the minimum wage. I realized that I am all of the above. I just hope that I will be qualified in terms of the services part. First, I absolutely have no assets. I have no parents anymore and they didn't leave $1 to us. I am unemployed. I scrounge Steemit for food. I have way less than that amount of money, in fact, I have almost nothing at the moment. But still, I try to think long-term despite the insecurity. The locals in the village are richer for they have their own land, kids to sell or chickens that they can eat anytime. I can afford a $2 bland beer but I cannot put up with a stingy date for one day. I'm hungry but I hate free lunch. I am poor but I am nice. Enough of my poverty justification. In short, I am definitely qualified for this program.

If not this, then haters and doubters will win. Don't be disoriented by all that blinding flash of negativity they throw at you. Don't let the terrorists win! Don't give the power to design your own old-school web page away. Designing something by hand is far more satisfying than worrying about what others think about those cheesy gifs you put. I will be ashamed if I quit, and it's like what happened to everything that I've learned all this time? The hard-earned knowledge will either go down the toilet or go to someone else again. The more I do something, the more it will probably get easier. I will get better at doing it. Fulfilling my purpose is an ongoing series of decisions. This is not fate. I have chosen this path and it is just normal to feel discouraged by all the challenges along the way. I'm only human. Time will pass and I might even die at any moment, so I might as well do something difficult and worthwhile with it. Something magnificent.