Exposing My Vulnerabilities #4

Monday - 2 pm
on a bus out to my 2nd psych appointment.
not very keen.
just realised I forgot to print out parts 1,2, and 3 of my exposing my vulnerabilities posts. guess I will just have to wing it.
unsure what we will cover today.
if he allows it, I will record the conversation in audio format.
that way I can add to this post.

been feeling so drained lately.
not sure if its due to the fact I have been on American time since starting steemit. (almost my steemiversary)
or whether its the fact that I have been surviving on ramen and toast for over 3 months.
I'm led to believe it is the latter.

ever since they stayed and left me with a 1200 debt (6 weeks rent unpaid ) I have been slowly paying it off at $25/w (if I don't, I lose the roof over my head )
I always knew that someone in crypto would fuck me over. just never expected it to be the person that got me into it in the first place.
I think the part he misses is that you can't hide on the block-chain.
and, after 3 months of nearly no contact ( he got a bit pissy when I complained about my health issues that have flared up again due to eating ramen for every single meal since they left ). I've been resisting releasing the info of how he fucked me over.
but I'm at the point now where, idgaf anymore.
it is killing me.
and its time people saw him for the person he is, and not the facade he portrays.
I'm gonna give it 1 more week.
unfortunately, I have been saying that for 2 months now.
maybe it's just the way I was raised.
'2 wrongs don't make a right'

but it's getting to the point where morals need to go out the window.
I need to ensure my own survival.
it's time to take care of my own needs, and not protect the people that are doing/have done wrong, by the majority.

if I don't do it, what right do I have to complain that it happened?
none.

always amuses me how, when I disconnect from the internet, how much more productive i am.

this so far has taken 10-15 min.
and I'm a 2 finger typer.
imagine what I could do if I was a touch typer.

---

New thought process, new topic.

so I was looking at studying photography this year through TAFE (technical and further education)
alas, it appears all the photography courses require to have an SLR / DSLR.
so it looks like that won't be happening. time to take a new route.
creative writing.
I already know how to take photos. point, and click. not all that hard.
I KNOW my writing is substandard though.
I worry more about getting the thoughts down than how they are read.
as I mentioned in a previous post, if it has to 'look pretty' then I won't bother. ill just stop posting.

the part people all seem to miss, is, when u start to add formatting, etc . . .
not EVERYONE has a good computer / stable internet.
I am one of those people.
I'm 'typing this up, atm, on a windows xp system, with a 1.6ghz processor and 1gb ram.
my desktop isn't all that much more powerful. one of the last pc's to come with windows 8.1
think it has 4gb ram.
still not all that powerful.
to put it bluntly, I'm almost living a 3rd world life, i a first world country.
or at least that's how it feels.

the funniest thing is, having nothing, and yet still being the kind of person that would do for others before myself.
if I had the money, I would be over in Venezuela, making change there.
as it is, my goal atm is to do curation posts featuring Venezuelan people. the people that, a $5 up-vote, is enough to feed their whole family for the day.

one day I will be able to give that sized vote.
but for now, I will just keep putting up my sunset daily posts, cos thatch what I enjoy.

---

is kinda sad, that I feel closer to the people online than I do to my family.
I have very few friends. I think I could count them all on 1 hand. MAYBE an extra finger on the other hand.
but thatch the way I like it.
quality over quantity.

the people I surround myself with, are the people that, if they haven't heard from me in a week, call to check in on me.
not sure if because I have mentioned my depression, and they know I can drop in mood within minutes ( a lot of things trigger me )
or if it is that they are 'my people'
the ones that are going through similar, and know what its like to be down.
but anyways, enough of that topic, as its making me sad.

---

created an account for my flatmate the other night. he likes to cook. was even a chef at one of the restaurants around here before the GFC.
not sure why he hasn't gotten back into it.
perhaps his depression. perhaps his anxieties?
maybe I'll get him to tell that story himself.
for now, I just have his account on my (@getstuffdun) curation trail. I figure if he can see with his own eyes how this whole steem thing works, it will make more sense than me trying to explain it to him.

almost at my destination, so I'll head off for now. gotta get my head into the game re: appointment.
pony out.

feel free to check out parts 1 , 2 , and 3 as well
cheers.
pony out