Helping Strangers, the Good and the Perils - A True Story
I was coming home last night, after a long day. As I approached the metro coach, a girl came out, stopped me abruptly, and cried for help.
She was speaking very fast. She appeared in distress and confused. My French is limited, but I gathered she claimed to have just come out of the hospital and needed help for a ride home. I didn’t have a car there, I always used public transport, and didn't know Lausanne that well anyway.
Her story didn’t make much sense to me. After struggling for a bit with the language we switched to English. She said she was a student, had to go to the hospital because of a hypoglycemic attack, was super tired and just wanted to go home.
“Don’t you have someone who can pick you up?”, I asked.
“No, I need to get home but the buses don’t get there. I’d take a taxi but it costs 70 francs and I only have 50, can you please help me?”
And there goes my metro. I guess I’ll take the next one.
“Where do you live? We can check Google Maps.”
“Yes yes, I checked, I know, I need a taxi. I tried Uber but I need a taxi that takes cash”, she replied.
“Wait, you have Uber? Why don't you sue Uber then?”
“I can't.”
“You don't have a credit card?”
“No, my father takes care of that. I only have cash. I need a taxi.”
“Can you call your father?”
“No, I need a taxi.”
At this point I was looking at her positively puzzled. Then she jumped in:
Listen, I’m not trying to steal your money. My name is __, you can look me up on Facebook, here is my phone number. After I go home I can pick up the car and meet you tomorrow to give you back 20 francs.”
She was young, maybe 22, but she looked much older. She was pretty, but her teeth were yellowish and didn’t seem like she was taking good care of herself. Also, her speech wasn't nearly as eloquent. I paraphrased the conversation above, in reality she was a lot more discombobulated.
Everything about her story was fishy. After a couple of minutes I gathered there was a 99% chance she was lying, and simply wanted to con me.
I immediately thought of that scene from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.
He has the power to wipe out the entire human race, and if we believe there's even a one percent chance that he is our enemy we have to take it as an absolute certainty... and we have to destroy him.
I was in the exact opposite situation. I thought, “Even if there is a 99% chance that she's lying, if she really is a confused girl, who just came out of the hospital and is just trying to get home, then not helping her would be an asshole thing to do”.
Altruism
At that moment, as far as I could tell, I was presented with the following dichotomy:
- If she’s lying I lose 20 francs (about $21). Not a big deal.
- If she’s telling the truth, my 20 francs will have a large positive impact.
You can see this is as a simplified example of game theory, where my utility function was to try and maximize well being.
It seemed like a no-brainer.
Effective altruism. Or so I thought.
The Perils
I ended up giving her the 20 francs. We exchanged phone numbers, Facebook details, and took off.
In the metro, I started thinking about what happened. Pretty quickly it occurred to me I could have handled the situation better. If she was actually in distress and confused, I should have helped her find a taxi to make sure she would arrive home safely.
It wasn’t a terrible mistake, but still.
Then it hit me. I assumed that the worst case scenario was that I would lose 20 francs. But that wasn't the case at all.
As I pieced things together, the puzzle started to make more sense. The fidgeting, the yellow teeth, the story that didn’t make sense and yet seemed well rehearsed… all the clues pointed to one conclusion.
Drugs (and not the good ones)
What if she was an addict, looking for another shot? Maybe that’s why she was so impatient, why she wasn’t making much sense, why she looked so worn down.
Maybe that’s where my 20 francs will go. To allow her to continue a downward spiral of addiction.
And I'm not talking about “nice” drugs, the psychedelics kind. I’m talking about stuff that kills you. Maybe that’s what she was getting.
Effective Altruism
Effective altruism defines itself as follows:
Some people would have turned their head and walked away. Some would have given her the money and felt good to have done good. Maybe a few would have accompanied her to the taxi, and made sure she was ok.
Have I made the right choice? In hindsight, most likely not. At the moment, I was having a hard time thinking clearly myself. I was very tired and super hungry. It was already late at night and I hadn’t had a proper meal for almost a day, my ability to think rational was surely affected.
Now I can think of at least 10 ways I could have handled it better. Then again, it's easy to explain and rationalize things post facto. Not so easy when you're in the middle of them.
So, in the end… what happened?
I called her back once I got home to ask if she had found a taxi. To my surprise, she picked up the phone, said she did, then hurriedly thanked me and interrupted the call.
I texted her the details for meeting up the next day, like she promised.
She never replied.
What would you have done?
Have you ever been in a situation like this? What did you do? How do you think you would have handled it? Share your story.
I was in a situation like this:
One afternoon I just took my daughter from the nursery and we started walking to home. At the street a women stopped us and asked if I can speak english. I thought she is a tourist who need some help to find a museum or something like that, so we started talking.
After 2 minutes she switched to Hungarian and told me she has diabetes. She is on her way to the hospital for some kind of treatment, but she needs to eat something asap because she has low blood sugar. She had a lot of excuses why she don't have money and she kept telling me nobody helps her, and I am the only one who can help her out.
At this point I was pretty sure she is lying, but I wanted to do the right think so I gave her some money. I also wanted to care this situation nicely and show that we need to help each other to my daughter.
Everything changes when we're with our daughters!
I've tried to make a conscious effort to carry cash on me at all times for instances like this. To respond to the dilemma, though, I can't say I would have done any different. I would probably would have followed her back up and made sure she got a taxi alright, since she seemed very frazzled and not in control of all of her faculties, which would make her easy target for someone with a more predatory disposition, but ultimately I wouldn't have done more beyond that.
I've been asked numerous times why I bother to hand money out to people on the side of the road or on street corners. Sure, they are more than likely either trying to swindle me or are going to put that money towards alcohol or something else without doing anything to improve their lives. However, it may be the case that the small act of kindness I show them has an enormous positive impact. Maybe that money is used to buy food after going without for a couple of days.
I approach charity and giving in this manner: if there is a possibility that my contribution will provide some good to the person asking for it, then I'd rather err on the side of generosity and the possibility of providing that good than assuming nothing will come of it and missing a chance to improve someone's life.
Exactly. I do the same. People look at me like I'm mad. Thing is if the tables were turned and I was in a desperate situation I would hope someone would do the same for me.
That's a lot of where that view comes from for me. I treat others how I would hope others would treat me, or I try to as much as I can.
Very good article federico. I recognise the situation.In my opinion,the possiblilty(or in other cases,fact) that the money goes to a drug addict does not bother me at all.Why?
Because even drug addicts need to survive,and they also need food and shelter and clothing and healthcare,in addition to drugs. And drug addicts take drugs,to state the obvious.If they are not given the money they might have to steal it,they are desperate after all.That´s what drug addiction does to you. Not giving money is taking a moral higher ground IMO. Sure,there might be more constructive ways to help these people,and if you are able to provide better help,by all means give it. Drug addicts are just like the rest of us.Fellow human beings,struggling to deal with life´s many issues.
Exactly and in a sense a drug addict in withdrawal is also someone who is suffering. I think easing suffering is still helping the person. It would be unrealistic to assume that we can solve every problem fully.
are you mentally retarded or something?
Thanks for highlighting yourself as a troll and getting flagged.
getting flagged?
You flagged him/her
ok, confirmed, you are mentally retarded, or borderline idiot
very nice post, thought provoking
One way to handle these damsels in distress is to tell them the truth.
"I don't help girls I am not fucking."
Effective Truth is better than effective altruism. After all, had this been a man, he would never even have entertained the thought of approaching you, a stranger, for 20 francs. The answer to that one is automatic: "Ha ha! no, get the fuck outta here".
So you know the situation is implicitly a sexual one already. You're helping a damsel, due to sexual reasons. Let us then make it explicitly sexual:
"I don't help girls I am not fucking."
The truth feels great. To have all that sexual "heroic man saves girl in subway" anxiety go away in an instant, plus to see the look of disbelief, changing to respect, in the druggie's eyes. Her "easy mark" turned out to be a lion in disguise. Be prepared to be propositioned for a 20 franc blowjob right there and now, though, and to decline it with perfect gentlemanly charm and no mention of the yellow teeth.
You're such a piece of shit.
You are the kind of imbecile that gets conned by women repeatedly,
like a new 20 franc girl everyday, AND not only doesn't realizes of it,
but goes ahead to rationalize it and actively defend the very people who abuse him,
in short, you are a white knight, the preferred target of female psychopaths,
good luck with your life bro, you're gonna need it.
No, I don't have that kind of bitterness in my heart towards my female friends. Besides which, the friendzone is a misogynistic concept driven largely by male entitlement.
I don't need to be bitter about not having sex like you apparently do either, I have had plenty of partners all over the gender spectrum.
.
Thank you very much.
good job!!!
I would simply have helped her as you did and maybe made sure she got a taxi but other than that there is nothing else you can do.
She may not have been on drugs it is just as possible she was suffering from a mental illness, or she could have been homeless and ashamed to admit to it.
There are also many legal (medical) drugs that can permanently stain your teeth not to mention heavy smoking or coffee drinking - both of which you find in many psychiatric patients.
The fact is - you see a person in distress you have to act on the information you have.
If she did take the money for drugs then you are not responsible. You saw a person in need and you did your best to help them.
That should be the end of the story really. No reason to feel bad or ruminate over it.
You can't trust everyone
Awwww... this shows you have a good heart and a conscience! That is what matters most in the end! upvoted
I would like to think I would have done the same as you. But a quick "sorry no cash on me" is probably more likely, in all honesty.
The cost/benefit analysis shows a loss capped at $20 versus potentially exponential benefit. But default human nature tends to put a large value on avoiding discomfort.
I try to offer help without giving money. You still helped. There's also something you can't help with. Always good to help when you can. :)