Downgrading through life

Recently, I've had the unpleasant experience of watching one of my dearest friends slide away. It didn't happen like that, oh no, it was a gradual thing. She just started moving away from us and it was so strange to see that.
She'd talk less, she'd ignore our messages and she almost never initiated conversation, so we figured alright, she must be having a hard time as a fresh student, it's a busy period and all, we'll give her some time and she'll come around. But she didn't and I think that was the saddest part.
On the contrary, she started moving further away from us until we were barely acquaintances anymore.
She got new friends.

And that's good, one should make friends where they go and all, but I don't think it should mean ditching the old ones. Talking about this, I got to thinking about downgrading, about stepping away from people who are good to you because of your inner insecurities.

Now, I know this sounds kinda stuck-up, but it's not. We were good friends to her, we didn't drag her into bad scenes, didn't encourage what we perceived as self-destructive behavior. Always had an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, which should make us decent friends, at least.

Which is exactly why she chose to downgrade. She chose to do it because she saw the disapproving looks in our eyes when she did bad things. I think that any friendship involves a certain level of judgment. Not the harmful kind, though, but the kind of judgment that says “You're better than this” or “You really can do better”.

Personally, I've always believed that friends should be people whom you can talk to, who you can say anything to, and who motivate you to do more, be better. I don't think a good friend sees you procrastinating, or doing things that are bad for you and just sits idly by. Your job as a friend is to be there for them when they do something stupid, yes, completely, but it also means telling them they're doing something stupid. And trying to stop them.
A good friend shouldn't have to fight for you, but should be ready to do so when you need it.

But we tend not to like that. We don't want to be told we're doing something bad or something wrong, it hurts our pride and when we like doing it, it's even worse.

This guy is bad for you – it's awful, especially when you think you really like the guy. And it's very hard to be objective and see if they're right or not. But the friend who's gonna say that is probably not trying to trick you out of the big love of your life. No, they're probably worried, they see you in a bad state of mind (or maybe even a physical state) and they're trying to get you out of that. And you hate them for it. Because you know you failed the image they had of you. They know you could do more and secretly, you know too and you hate them for bringing that knowledge home.

You worked so hard for this and here you are, throwing it all away – again, you know you're doing this, you know you're kicking it all away, but you don't want to be reminded of that and you persist in the illusion that maybe, if you're quiet enough and nobody sees, and nobody says anything, then your bad behavior won't have any real consequences.

It's a stupid, childish notion, but one that fools most of us. If you don't know I'm dating a bad man or drinking too much or whatever, and you don't say anything, then maybe it won't be real, in a way.

After all, if no one sees the consequences, is it still harmful behavior?

And the answer is yes, of course it is. But we'd like to think the answer is no, so we choose to downgrade. We get new friends, ones who don't care, ones who don't tell us we're doing something wrong. Hell, maybe they even join in the fun. And that way, we don't have to feel bad. Besides, since our friends are doing it, can't be that bad, right?

Nobody wants to be told that they could be doing more, that they're doing bad. Most of us don't want to be pushed, either. Because you know what the big issue is about having a friend/lover/teacher who pushes you to do more, to be more?
You might fail them. They see all this potential in you and your inner demons are telling you it's wasted, that it's a lie. That potential isn't there. So instead of trying, of giving your all, you choose to step away from the people who saw the good in you, who thought you could go far.

Once you do that, though, you're kind of stuck in place. Because if you gave in to that little voice who says you can't, chances are you'll keep doing it and that little voice won't let you go anywhere in life, because if you proved it wrong, then it would die. Self-preservation. So, it keeps hurting you and you keep letting it.

It's the little voice that pushes you to downgrade, but the choice is yours – whether you listen to that voice or not.

Don't worry, we all do it. We all have times when we'd much rather not be hearing this, when somebody calls us out on our shit and we push them away.
So far, I've been lucky enough to have friends who didn't let themselves get pushed away, but I'm aware that may not always be the case.
I just hope I have the strength to not downgrade when times get rough.

Thank you for reading,