Trapped in a Cave: Echoes of a Man Trying to Free Himself

in #life6 years ago

When I first met my soulmate, Awen, I told her I saw that she was a trampled flower. I could see this beautiful person locked behind walls of securities to protect her from the things she has had to face. I knew in that moment that I wanted to heal and nurture her to blossom as only she could.


Almost two years have passed since that fateful day. Much has happened, and we’ve come a long way. Now on the other side of the country, I have lived more this week than I have in the past years. 


These experiences have given me perspective on myself. I have come to realize how much life has trampled me. I always barrel forward taking on everything head on without regard to how it will affect me. In some ways, this is a strength, as I keep growing, routinely throwing myself into challenge after challenge. But, something I need to admit is how much I wear myself down. I’m an emotional juggernaut, neglecting how much pain I am in.



I suffer because because it’s all I’ve really known. I sound pathetic typing that out. I’ve been conditioned to feel helpless to change my situation. My wants and needs are meaningless. I must please some faceless god. I know this stems from my parents. Shortly after I was born, my mom found out she was HIV positive. She knew she was going to die and wanted to give me the best chance at life. So she made me smarter than all the other boys and girls. Learning was a strict routine and failing meant making mom cry. When she passed, my dad picked up the torch. Failing now meant getting yelled at and reminded how horrible I was.


I constantly feel ashamed, like I’m the deformed village dwarf. A tightrope stretched before me, the only path I’m allowed to walk, and now I must dance. There are so many times when I have been forced into some situation while my heart was bleeding, feeling as if the spotlight was focused on me, turning me into a spectacle to be judged by all eyes.


So many pairs of judging lenses. And they exist only in my mind.


I want to change. I want to grow and heal. I’ve completely forgotten how to take a chance. I want to reach out and ask the people around me for help, but that requires too much of a leap of faith. There are times I feel like a clockwork machine; parts ticking away until they are ground down for good. 


I’ve been alone most of my life, and as a result I always look at the negatives. Because why would you focus on the positives? That’s what is working! The negative is what needs to improve; to be fixed in some way. This thinking falls apart when I’m around people. I constantly judge others because I’m hypercritical of all the choices I make. I’m stuck in fight or flight response.


This way of thinking has repeatedly drained me of my ability to do anything. I am constantly problem-solving. I’m in my mind and thinking of contingencies to contingencies. Complete government collapse? Got a plan. Alien invasion? Easy mode? Am I living in the Matrix? Yes, but don’t think about it. I’m still not sure how well anyone can read my mind. 


I’m not insane, but I am batshit crazy half of the time. Neurotic and a dysfunctional mess. The other half I’m alright. I know I cycle like this as a result of not taking care of my needs and falling apart when the the Earth continues turning under my feet.


I don’t feel I deserve to be happy.



Sometimes I feel like there’s something crawling inside me, and nothing I do is good enough to shut it up. It rips at me, tearing off bits with giant mandibles. It always hungers, and pins me against the wall demanding more, twisting me at my deepest level. I stare back into its black eyes, having been bewitched into feeling sorry for it.
I don’t even know how to talk about some of these things that bounce in my skull and ribcage. I have never connected with another person about these. Awen has helped me express myself more, but I’m like a boy raised by wolves. I’m not operating on the same wavelength as everyone I have met.


This has been a crippling problem; one which has reinforced these patterns of thought and behavior. I am volatile, my emotions random torrents that get turned on and off seemingly at random. Most of the time I don’t know why I feel the way I do until well after the fact, when I have hindsight to reflect on. This is something that pushes people away from me. I don’t blame them. I can’t be that fun to be around. I’ve ruined countless good times with my sudden shifts to random tears.


I had previously given up on integrating into some community. I withdrew and focused on building my own path. I learned to juggle. Polished my writing. Expanded my philosophy. All alone.


One must imagine Rainman happy.


You can probably tell I’m writing this at the end of one of these episodes. Like I said, barreling forward. I’m really hurting, reeling over my intrinsic feelings of worthlessness, but I can’t let myself give in to doing nothing. I’m really trying to embrace a strategy where I use whatever life throws at me. I might be too distracted to churn out certain content, but I can at least log my train of thought instead of letting it careen carelessly out of control while I hide in my room.


I can’t thank Awen enough for all she’s done for me. She’s helped me take some big steps out of my comfort zone. As I said, we’re on the west coast now, living at the Earth Nation Headquarters in Oregon. That’s been a huge step for me, taking a chance and making our dreams come alive.


This is a real wonderland we’ve found. Everyone has been really supportive of me, even at my worst. I feel welcome and accepted by the people here. I feel like I will even be able to open up to them about everything that eats at me. If you’ve trudged this far into my ramblings, I’m sure you already know that’s not a claim I can throw around willy-nilly.


Here’s to hope for brighter futures.
 

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wow! great story...

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Great
There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.

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