Hell of a rabbit hole...

The mind is not life, it mearly perceives life.....So who/what am I? What about the perceived? I am, therefore I think?

I've heard many folks describe dreams in which just as they are about to die they awake...

I feel dying another death is near... Not that fear of dying another death in the name of Truth and growth is lessened...However the vague similarity of death followed by Awakening.
Yet we strive even to control our dreams! (lucid dreamimg, music, etc). What wakes us from slumber? Our bodies? What causes us to recall some dreams but not others?

Odd.... Over and over again I have surrendered to be a prisoner and yet surrendering to Freedom remaibs the greatest challenge. Where there is no logic, where there is no smooth visual path, where the movements are choppy and full of suffering. Or how can there be? If when I grabbed the helm of the ship, I cause my own suffering, yet the moment the vessel is given to the forces that be , the wind ,water, the interconnectedness of life and so many things and feelings and the turmoil becomes wrapped in excitement instead of fear the faith of the evening and righting of the vessel becomes an absolute knowing that spreads throughout me no matter what the perceived reality appears to be. The moment I let go of the helm, even in the middle of those storms the ship steadies and the overwhelming feelings seem to instantly dissipate.

There is no logic, they appear to be seeking answers that are not to be known by the one who is seeking. It still confuses and amazes me that even reading different spiritual books on this subject does not create the shifts. Perhaps if plants the seed but the feelings seem unique to The Traveler and that's the perceptions of it must be as well

(And no worry, this is not speaking in a physical death but of the death of identities and patterns which cloud perception.)

What if the expansion of the human lifespan is because the very things which extend our life also keep us hidden from the vastness and reality that it can be. Somehow although the greatest shifts and understandings have occurred in moments of loss, surrender...there are still strong distrusts in the internal state on being able to experience spiritual peace or knowing what spiritual peace is myself, without the confirmation of another. I now realize the only way to shift and move from that fear is to steadily pursue it and to remove the safety nets which have built around the prison I hold myself within. What if I am the locksmith? Or even more terrifying what if there is no lock? What if the writings of so many spiritual humans of the past and present are roadmaps? Maps that may lead to a single destination, or the entire world and yet the ups and downs of the back roads and paths lead in and out of Darkness and Light....? What if spiritual teachers are sort of like the MapQuest of the past. You'll get into the area however sometimes you end up turning left into a lake! Trusting that GPS at the start would have been smart, till a certain point.

I'm noticing that my greatest weakness and adversity is blind trust and self-doubt. Feeling Primal; grabbing on to safety and connection in the only way I've been able to understand it. It's a shallow way to connect, which has harboured the disconnect that only exists in each of our minds! Thus the heart muat contain truth, not
just foolish love, not just passion...the heart guides, the mind draggs. We're told that the heart is second-rate. That cannot be true. For the feelings of the mind act like a worthless, out of control of child. Of which no child could ever be! The mind lies.

Do worthless children exist? I'm starting to see that only if I make it so does anything appear worthles. I believe we've all experienced worthlessness thrown upon us from those who are fighting their own worth of battles. Yet if in such an interconnected and balanced ecosystem with a strong natural order create a worthless entity? We humans seem to be the only beings which exist and create idle circumstances. Trees do not resist the leaves falling as we resist our hair falling. I'll have to look it up but that brought to mind a David White reading where another poet was speaking of how Kingfishers, animals that were being observed, do not complain or wish not to be a kingfisher. The mind creates it..
And im back to the silliness of the mind....holy sh*t...