Are You Mary?

Excuse me, can you tell me where Ward 2F is please?

I asked a random man in green scrubs.

2F? Ooft, you're a long way away my friend.

Green Scrubby chewed his bottom lip like a salmon nibbling at an old shoe.

You want to head up those escalators, along to your left, then down a long corridor with blue windows. Then down the stairs at the end and you will see it.

He beamed at me, proud of his wayfinding skills.

I tried not to kick him in the balls with frustration. Instead, opting to grit my teeth. I had been wandering around in the search of 2F for quite some time.

We are on floor 2? Do I really have to go up a floor, along and then back down again?

I couldn't help but be a bit ratty. My dad had been in hospital since Sunday and they had decided to move him into a new ward.

Which shouldn't be a big deal, except the hospital in question was a newly built, massive sprawling affair that didn't seem very keen on signage.

Green Scrubby nodded sympathetically.

Yes, I am afraid so. That corridor there leads you straight to it but it's staff only I am afraid.

He pointed at a door to my left.

Magic.

I uttered dejectedly and turned away to head in the direction he had pointed.

Perhaps he heard something in my tone or noticed the wobble in my voice for he called after me.

Hey, you know what, fuck it. Come with me, I will swipe you through.

I thanked him profusely and followed him like a meek puppy through the secret staff ways. He swiped me through four separate doors before stopping at one final one.

Right this is you. Don't tell anyone I let you in this way.

He looked a bit nervy.

I assured him I wouldn't and thanked him again before heading through the final door.

Hey, how did you get in there?

Asked a burly chap in olive green pyjamas who looked as if he had been lying in wait for me.

I don't know mate.

I said, raising my shoulders in helpless puzzlement as if the man in pyjamas has asked me if I liked kumquats.

Oh, right. That way is staff only you see?

Sorry. I got lost.

I shrugged.

That's alright, are you visiting someone?

I nodded.

The man picked up a big sheet of notes from a nearby desk and thumbed to a particular page.

Who is it, I will tell you what room they are in?

He said.

At this point I realised that he was a nurse despite his pyjamas.

BoomDawg Senior.

He looked animated at this and thumbed through some more notes.

Ah, yes. He is in room 14. Before you head off is it ok if I clarify something. I see in his notes we need to confirm his next of kin... Let me see...

He shuffled some more notes before finding the page he needed.

Ah, here we go. We have the next of kin down here as Mary. Are you Mary?

There was a dreadful silence.

Am I what?

I asked, my tone heaving with disbelief like the breasts of a corseted 17th century Madame.

He twitched a bit as if mentally resetting himself then nodded.

Are you Mary?

Fuck sake, seriously? Am I Mary!?

I hissed in a spectacularly low and angry voice.

He looked about as if for help then looked at me as if seeing me properly for the very first time.

Oh. Oh, no. No, you're not Mary. Sorry, silly me.

I shook my head.

Mary is my mum, you penis.

Hmmph. It looks like they will let anyone be a nurse these days.