Baby Disco

The good lady announced that today we had tickets for a baby disco. I was sceptical.

Baby Disco?

I inquired gently as if she were not mad as a loon.

Yes, it looks fab! Here.

She thrust a flyer into my hand.

I scanned it with an eye that had a lot in common with pickled gherkins. The description was quite odd.

This is a RAVE! Bring your glowsticks! Top DJ tunes! Licensed bar!!!

The flyer proclaimed loudly.

Are you sure this is for babies? It looks a bit... well... proper ravey?

Oh yes, it's all baby safe and engineered for adults to have fun too!

Squawked the good lady excitedly.

Have you ever been to a rave?

No, so this will be double cool for me! We will have fun won't we Daddy?

I tipped her my very best cheeky chappy wink and threw in a bird is the word smile to boot.

Oh yeah baby, don't worry. I've been to a rave. We will have lots of fun.

We entered the Rave/Baby Disco. It was indeed very clubby. A large looking man with a tattoo took our tickets and stamped the back of our hands with some inky glyph. I breathed deep.

We wont give you no bother guvnor!

I trilled as we pushed past him and then through some curtains into the Rave/Baby Disco proper.

Colourful lights strobed down. There were people everywhere, milling about with drinks and glazed expressions. Oh yeah and babies. Lots and lots of babies.

I took a big deep breath and breathed out like a horse, then again, pulling my hands up in front of me like I was lifting a tray.

I'm coming up baby!!!

I yodelled over the not very loud music.

The good lady looked at me as if someone had ripped off the top of my head and shat in the hole.

Do you want to see if you can grab us a couple of coffees?

She asked, jiggling the little boom in his sling in time to the banging tune that was thumping quietly out. I tapped the side of my nose.

Say no more Missy, say no more!

I danced my way through the crowd occasionally whooping Woot WOOT!

I could see I was already attracting some attention from the chicks. Nothing unusual there, I flashed a cheeky grin at some of the stern faces directed my way.

I found myself in front of a trestle table. There were various cups and containers net to a big silver machine.

What you after mate?

Asked the big beefy guy behind table.

I shifted from foot to foot to the beat that was still pumping quietly from behind me.

Rattle me up one of those expressos mate. In fact...

I looked furtively about then leaned over and said in a low voice.

Double actually, double it up mate. Here we gooooo... AWOOOOOOO!!!

I pumped my fist in the air, like I didn't care. The guy gave me a look that suggested he thought I was a wanker. I felt like congratulating him on his detectivity. He was absolutely right.

My double expresso came, I took it with a dramatic wink and made my way off back to the good lady.

God, you were gone for ages? Where have you been? Where's my coffee?

I chewed my jaw as if eating toffee.

I could only get this. Will try again later. You want to go halfies?

She made a fish eating barley face.

What are you eating?

She said, looking more puzzled than a hedgehog in an ice cream factory.

Nothin darling.

I continued chewing as if trying to bite my own ear.

Oh no...

The good lady patted the little boom's bum in the sling that secured him to her front.

Whassup baby?

I said whilst bobbing up and down to the mad beats playing quietly to the rear.

Ugh. You know he hasn't poo'd for a couple of days. He just has and its a bloody poo explosion and it's leaked. It's all down my front. We will have to go, I am covered in shit.

I whooped and threw my hands in the air.

What a PAAAARRRTY!!!!

We left the baby disco. It was shitty, in more ways than one.