Eager Zero: Finale

I tip-toed to the coat stand and grabbed my fedora, jamming it swiftly onto my head. For a moment I wondered if I should say goodbye to the good lady... I decided no. The good lady of this time was a shrew and I was not convinced she wouldn't try to kill me labially if she caught me leaving. I lifted my long-coat of the hook...

Lurking behind the coat was the good lady. Mad eyed and slaverous.

Where are you going? It's not even 6 yet?

She skrawked, standing up straight from her witchy hiding place.

Going to work. Where I always go.

With a long coat? It's to be as sunny as anything today? In fact it will be boiling. Why would you need a long coat?

She was advancing on me now. One long bony finger held before her poking me in me chest. I backed up till the wall blocked any further retreat.

You are leaving aren't you? All this talk of time travel, you are going back? What the hell? How could you? What will happen to me when you go?

This was tricky, the wrong answer could see that bony finger sink into my ribcage and pull my giblets out like laces from an old shoe. I had to think fast.

Hey baby. I aint going nowhere. How could I leave you?

I pulled her in close and crushed her flaky skinned lips to mine. She squawked in surprise before giving in to my tongue thrashing.

We parted, no more words required.

I love you.

She said, giddy from my dawg-juice, as I stepped out of the door.

I tipped my hat to her.

See you on the other side baby.

I left. Ha. Good fucking riddance, multiverse lady. I am away to find the real you. The Good Lady of the past...

I slapped my bag down on the empty chair beside Mikey.

Hey Mikey, you like balls?

Mikey looked a bit red and ill. It had been exceedingly hot and sunny lately and it seemed that Scottish folk, even in this bizarre future timeline liked to get drunk and lie about in the sun.

Balls? No I don't fucking like balls. Fuck off.

A parting gift for you Mikey, when you are in Prison and someone asks if you wanna play Balls or Molls. Say no.

What? What the fuck are you talking about? What is Balls or Molls?.

Balls, Mikey. They aren't all as silky as mine. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I picked my bag up and walked a few paces away.

Oh and Mikey... So long. It's been good knowing you. You remind me of my Mikey... Prison Mikey.

What are you talking about? I mean really? And where are you going?

I tapped my nose knowingly.

Back to the start Mikey. To where all this shit began.

I was in the toilets, shaking the last amber drops from my rod of power. Sad Arse came in. I nodded to him, my lad in my hand.

You ready for it Sad-Arse?

He looked alarmed then frightened and backed off slowly before turning tail and running out of the door.

I waggled my him-jiminy back into my trousers thoughtfully. He was always a skittish one was Sad-Arse but today he seemed more so than usual. It must be the big event. Nerves were making fools of us all.

I made to wash my hands and then stopped and gave myself a cheeky grin in the mirror.

Why wash em, when I am travelling back in time later?

Chuckling I headed out and up to the 8th floor.

Carlate bustled over to me on arrival, the blues and greens of the giant fish tank behind her accentuating her lean flanks.

I need a sign-off from you. Can you give it to me quickly?

The closer I got to the future which was my past the happier I was becoming.

Yeah lady-o, it's coming down your in-pipe as we speak.

I went over to my pc and hit send. I could have sent a picture of a hippo fingering a Giraffe for all they cared, as long as they got something.

The day raced by until it was finally time.

Again, like before, a small crowd gathered.

Carlate clicked to the middle of the room, her hips swaying to and fro like a small fishing trawler in a storm.

She stood, her eyes bright like those shiny pebbles from a mermaid's vagina. She projected a stern aura of where penises go to die. The guy next to me rummaged around in his pocket for longer than was acceptable and I nudged him chidingly.

Behave yourself, you perv.

It was Kipper.

I was looking for my lip balm.

He mumbled sulkily.

I shook my head.

Lip balm my arse.

Kipper's eyes lit up.

I mean figuratively.

I hurriedly added.

Carlate started speaking.

Right, we all know what that the Cirrus release was a bust thanks to other parties and a lack of communication. Well, we are here to reverse out the changes. To go back as it were. To our on-premise configuration. Before we push the button... Are we all signed off?

Everyone looked around confusedly.

I stepped forward from the shadows.

That we are cap'n.

Said I, channeling an eighteenth century pirate.

Carlate gleamed at me like a freshly shucked oyster.

Perfect. Hit the button Neil.

Somewhere, someone called Neil hit something button-like.

Nothing happened.

Done, We're back.

Echoed a Neil-like voice from the sidelines.

Carlate clapped her perfectly manicured hands together. Hands that had no doubt seen their share of torn frenulums.

That's it. Right everyone, we are back. Well done. Can someone feed the fish?

Just like last time I had barely felt a thing.

So is that it, we're back into the past then?

I said to Kipper as he turned to leave.

Aye, aye it is. A sad day eh?

I snorted like a cow maddened by flies.

Aye, for you maybe. I'm off home to the wife, at least, I hope she's my wife...

I shook the rain off my coat as I stepped inside my house. My stomach was tight with nerves and I half wondered if I should have a weapon in case something was wrong and the good lady was not the real good lady and needed to be coshed.

The kitchen door opened and despite the overcast day a beam of sunshine spilled out. It was the good lady. In her hands were the source of the light. It wasn't sunshine, it was mango beer in a couple of giant glasses brimming with froth and orange-gold joy.

I moved swiftly to her and took one of the glasses, she smelt of marshmallows and freshly baked fudge muffins.

Wanna go to a party sweetcheeks?

I said, raising a cheeky eyebrow.

She giggled in a way that only the good lady of the past which was now my present could.

Where?

I took a big swig of foamy mango beer.

In your mouth and I'm...

Coming?

She laughed. I laughed with her. It was our oldest joke and only the good lady of the past would have known it. She had passed the test. I kissed her cheek and playfully smacked her on the hootenanny.

It was good to be back.