Teeth

I looked up as the door to the meeting room opened and did my best not to blinkingly explode into a gabillion wet fleshy pieces at the sight before me.

An astonishingly attractive girl had walked in, giraffe-like, on ridiculously long legs. I think she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

For a moment I wondered if she was real.

I attempted to sit up straight and clear my throat all at once, almost dislodging some back-muck in her direction. Fortunately, I managed to snap my mouth shut just in time.

She shone like a thousand suns. I felt like a spiny worm beside such bewitching beauty.

Hey I know you don't I?

She said with a radiant white-toothed smile.

I tried not to ejaculate or cough or even both at once in response to such dentistry.

Um, no? I don't think so?

My attempt at a friendly return smile was marred somewhat by my feelings of self-consciousness over my poor off-white Scottish teeth.

I felt like a tramp who had just eaten a lump of coal.

She smiled again and tossed her hair over her shoulder in sinewy slow motion. Her teeth glittering like pearls freshly shucked from an oyster and polished.

Oh I do!! We bumped into one another in the lift the other day?

She cried enthusiastically.

I squirmed in embarrassment. Shit, had we? I hoped that I hadn't inadvertently prodded her with a boner. It's not the kind of thing I would do but what if I hadn't even noticed?

Hang on though, maybe I had and now she wanted to shag the living daylights out of me? Hmm...

Really? The lift you say?

I tried to sound suave, even a little debonair but instead I sounded as if I was trying to cough up the hair from an old lady's mitten.

Yeah, it was really packed. You smiled when I joked about it plummeting to the ground and killing us all.

Ha, that rung a bell.

Oh yeah, that old woman asked you to not say such things!

I relaxed a bit. Talk of death and strange accidents I was comfortable with.

Yeah, I thought you had a lovely smile.

I felt faint. Somewhere in my down-belows a bit of pee squirmed to get out.

A what?

My brain was having trouble fathoming what she had just said. A lovely smile...? Eh, did that mean that she didn't want to ferociously shag me after all? Surely there was some mistake?

Yeah! When you laughed it made me laugh and I thought, he's got a lovely smile.

I gulped. Something felt off-kilter. I know I don't have a lovely smile. I have an amusing smile, yes. Indeed, it could be said that I had a cheeky smile but lovely?? Hmm no.

What was her game then?

Rapidly my mind ran through the only possible scenarios that made sense.

She could have been sent by my enemies with instructions to put the moves on me, with the ultimate aim of shagging me to DEATH.

Hmm, possibly.

Or perhaps she wanted to steal my beautiful teeth!?

Holy fucking shit! Yes, that was it. She was after my fucking teeth. How fucking dare she?

I leaned back and studied her with a jaundiced eye. She smiled back alluringly.

At that moment we were interrupted by the door opening again and the boss man, El Jefe, stepping in.

Ahhh! I see you two have met.

He bellowed like a Viking attacking a humpy bedsheet.

Hmm hmm.

I nodded at Teeth Stealer giving her my best peen eye.

She frowned slightly.

I smirked. That's right lady-chick, I'm onto you. I would have taken a good shagging in the line of duty but my teeth??

Oh no... You ain't getting those.