Thursdays With Uncle Boom #53

You do know that my masters have set me on you as a honey trap, don't you?

We were finishing up in Finnegans Wake, the quite superb fish place I had promised to take the delectable Miss Fenniwig to. We had gotten on quite splendidly despite her ordering salmon. The drinking and the flirting had served to rouse the Kraken from its briny depths and I had invited her back to Boom Manor for a nightcap.

I pulled a bundle of notes from the thick sheaf in my wallet when the waiter arrived with the bill and sent him off with a swift kick up the arse whilst contemplating her honey trap statement. With the waiter dispatched I turned my attention back to her.

She looked at me, eyes steady despite us both having consumed a bottle of brandy.

I made a delicate squee face, as if supping cloud tea from a lady's bahookie.

Oh how tiring it must be to have 'Masters,' don't you think? I am my own master and I find myself to be... rather fair!

She stood, her face torn as if with conflicting loyalties. Or at least a splendid facsimile of such.

I mean, you are obviously a clever man, you must know it. I mean, you must have figured it out.

I snagged a brandy from a passing waiter's tray and took a hearty slug.

Well milady, let us say that I suspected such a thing. Is that so bad? I mean, you get a good todgering and perhaps some insider info from ole Boomy here and me, well, I get to give the old Salty Terrapin some exercise. It sounds like a win-win to me.

She blushed and looked downward.

Shall we then...?

I held out my arm for her to take.

She looked around the restaurant as if waiting for something or someone. Someone that wasn't me? I coughed to attract her attention. When she looked back at me she almost looked terrified, like a river snake being passed about at a lesbian party.

I leaned forward a little.

Oh don't worry madam. I won't murder you...

She gasped before quickly recovering herself and letting out a slightly hysterical giggle.

Do you promise?

I smiled.

A gentleman's word is beyond reproach milady.

She took my arm then and we stepped outside into a waiting cab.

The journey to my Manor was brief. The cab driver insisted on chattering about his 'olidays throughout the journey as if deliberately wishing to quench my libido.

I stepped out and opened Miss Fenniwig's door.

Oh goodness Boomy, do you mind awfully if I rush to your toilet? It's quite urgent.

Of course not, run inside, it's first on the left. I shall pay the cab driver.

She trotted off at great speed.

The taxi driver stuck his face out of his window, it was a most disagreeable thing, like badly cured ham.

Come on mate, pay up. I've got fares waiting.

Of course, my good fellow, of course.

I gave him what was owing and headed inside.

By the time Miss Fenniwig had finished in the toilet, I was waiting in the lounge by the window with a couple of brandies.

She came over to me and took one of them and placed her head on my shoulder looking up at me with an inviting smile.

I say, isn't that our Taxi still out there in the driveway?

She pushed her face up to the window and peered out.

I stepped up behind her and put a hand on her neck.

I think I can see the driver, do you think he is having a nap? He was an odd one wasn't he, I think he had a face like a crabs scrotum.

She giggled, leaning back against me.

I tucked the small naked blade in my hand back into a pocket and gave a snort of amusement.

A crab's scrotum you say, ha? Hmm, I couldn't really say... After all...