Thursdays With Uncle Boom #87

For charity, you say?

I looked up at the crudely painted sign at the entrance of the church hall and made a my nipple is not an ashtray kind of face.

I was with my two good friends Anulus and Rory. Both fine fellows despite having faces like diseased trees.

Yes, old chap. For the 'Rhododendron's' apparently.

Rhododendron's, are you quite sure?

I said with a raised eyebrow that would put Ron Howard's annual erection to shame.

Yes, Rhododendron's. I believe they are being persecuted for their beliefs or some such twaddle?

Answered Anulus sounding a little uncertain himself.

I wasn't sure that decorative shrubbery could be persecuted or have beliefs but hey ho, it's a bloody fast paced world we live in and it could be hard to keep up.

I took my special occasion pipe out, The Bastard.

It was fashioned exclusively from the shin bone of an exhumed 18th Century German duke and lent a savory bite to whatever smoke trummelled through it.

I took an appreciative puff, contemplating the cost of the tickets for the event. 200 pounds, there had better be some damned good entertainment and not just a bunch of peons biting each others cocks.

Alright then gentlemen, lead the way...

We entered the Charity Fair.

I'm fucking bored.

I scowled.

There was precious little within the charity fair to entertain such fine gentlemen as we three. Not even a lady of ill repute to offer a hand shandy.

Me too, Boomy.

Sighed Anulus.

He passed on the Rum that we had sneaked in like errant schoolboys. It was our second bottle. We all felt a little squiffed.

Rory in particular was not impressed.

Fucking charity and there's no hooers? What kind of do is this!?

He growled, pacing to and fro. His pipe was being so frantically puffed that the end glowed slightly like a recently photographed black hole.

I say, fellows. What's that?

I pointed over to the far corner. There seemed to be some brightly lit games being advertised.

We walked toward them. As we got closer the signs became easier to read.

Bowling? What? I don't see a lawn, how can there be bowling?

I spat on the wooden floor much to an old biddy's disgust.

We barreled up to the front of the so called Bowling Alley.

You there, what's this all about?

I pointed with The Bastard at his sign and the long lane behind him which looked as if it ended in a chimney.

The peon in charge of the Bowling grunted at me and giggled maliciously at me.

Has sir never played 10 Pin Bowling? Oh my. Well, you grab one of these big balls and throw it down the alley and try to knock over those pins at the end! If you knock over all ten you win a teddy bear!

He grinned as if he had just licked a dead cats arse.

I looked to Rory and Anulus.

I'm no stranger to rattling my balls into a dark recess. What's this other game though?

I pointed at the sign beside the Ten Pin Bowling.

It said DodgeBall.

The grub face peon observed us with a sadistic leer.

Well sirs, if the bowling balls are too heavy for such fine lords as yourselves you can play DodgeBall. The aim is to hit me with one of these.

The peon lifted a garishly coloured, soft rubber ball and dandied it on his finger.

Rory guffawed and cast aside the Rum bottle he had just finished.

So we get to hit you with our balls eh!

He roared, a grin spreading out over his face.

The peon made a pinched face as if having to drink Campari and Soda.

It's 10 quid a throw.

He patted the lurid balls in the rack beside him.

It's for charity.

He added in a nasal whine.

I looked at the fellows. At last some real entertainment.

Alright then, peon. There is one hundred pounds. In you get, we will take ten balls.

The peon's eyes gleamed like cheap glass. He took the money, giggling all the while and entered the brightly padded DodgeBall area.

Carry on, fellows.

I patted my two friends on the shoulders and watched as they drunkenly tried to hit the peon with the dodgeballs.

He's a fast fucker!

Grunted Anulus, after throwing his third ball and missing the peon who was indeed leaping and cavorting around like a dervish.

Yes, can't fucking get near him!

Guffawed Rory with great delight. Sweat shining on his face as he threw yet another ball at the peon who seemed to have the reflexes of a cat.

Can't catch me!!

Taunted the peon as he leapt and twirled out of the way of each and every DodgeBall thrown at him.

You will need to try harder!! Urrghhk!?

The bowling ball I flung crashed off the side of his shoulder and spun him to the ground.

STEEE-RIKE!!!

Yelled Anulus.

Rory turned and looked at me in astonishment.

Bloody hell, Boomy. What a shot! You never cease to amaze!

I inclined my head graciously then nodded to the bowling balls I had lifted over from the bowling alley.

Help yourselves gentlemen, I am sure you will have more luck with these!

The peon struggled to his feet, clutching his shoulder. His face twisted in pain.

What the fuck are you doing, gaaarhk!?

He went down as the bowling ball quickly thrown by Anulus clipped the side of his head.

Good shot Anulus!

I clapped Anulus on the shoulder. He was grinning from ear to ear at his shot.

The peon raised a swaying hand.

What... What are you doing!?

His words bubbled out feebly from his bloodied mouth.

What are we doing?

I hefted another ball and let fly.

You shouldn't ask such a thing, after all...