Needed to talk... These times when i feel lost in life.

Hi everyone!

I've hesitated to write this article, but i think it's a good idea which can help me to get better. As a very introvert person, i have difficulties to communicate with people. So, be able on Steemit to speak to a lot of people only by writing is surely a very good opportunity. (I always loved to write and express my feelings by it.)

I'm not in a very good mood since one week ; it has begin when i seriously begin to work on my second session exam (i don't know how to say in english?) It made me fall back into bad memories of this year and of my school.

For reminder, i do studies in computer graphics, more particulately in illustration and animation.
Yes, it looks very cool, i thought that too.

Two years ago, when i finished my high school years, i was litteraly lost. Lost in the vastness of the world and choices.
And my big problem of self-assurance had definitely made it more difficult. My parents have always sur-protected me, and it made me very dependent of my parents and people more broadly ; i had a lot of fears and powerless to made choices by myself and dare to do things in life.

So, back to my teenager, what i wanted to do in life ?
I had a big changeover period at the age of 16 or 17. I begin to be interesting by things in the world, in political and how society works. (for sure, with a naive eye at this age.)
I really begin to have non-conformist and rebel ideas about the system. I dreamed to big things, i wanted to change the world.
It was my Hippie period. I begin to search about the movement, and find it matched perfectly with my values in life.

I started to look like an Hippie too. When we are teenager, we often take care of our apparence and try by our clothes to be part of a community, a specific group. And it was also a way for me to show my ideas by my apparence.

Parallelly, as always i had a real love for art. As you know, i do drawings and things like that since i have 13, but i also have a big passion for music.

So, here what my plans for my life at the age of 17 : i wanted to be a famous singer and song-writer, and change the world. It was my secret, i was ashamed to talk about it to somebody, i thought he will laugh at me very well.
I wrote music, i dreamed all the days about success and art world, i passed my time on the internet to know the life of the artists that i admired.
Yes, i really wanted to take place in this area. It has become a real big obsession. I wasn't in reality anymore ; i just lived in the reality of me as a famous artist. Yes, it can be very strange, but i think it was filling an injury that i lived. I never had a lot of friends, i was a very unpopular and mocked girl. I don't know, maybe i was different, more sensitive than the others children, surely.
And i live a period of bullying at 11 that always left an injury in my self-confident. So, this obsession dream was to heal my self-confident problem ; i was obsessed by the idea of pleasing people, of being popular, it was like a sort of revenge.
The girl that they considered as nothing would be a great artist, and famous person.

Back two years ago.
I had to make a choice. And i wanted so much to make music and live my dream.
But I had absolutely no assurance to do so, maybe it protect me, i don't know. By a way or an another, I shoud had to go through this painful phase of reality recovery, because my dream wasn't realistic, and because i wanted to do music for bad reasons.

My entourage wanted to push me in a classic way : do studies, have a reliable job and to have it for the rest of my life, because life is like that, and everyone make that, so do that too.
But with my hippie ideas, and my personnality wich analysis and questions everything, i just don't find the sense in this, and it fact, it was my worst nitghtmare to follow this path. It was my big fear of being obliged to follow this conformist way of live.
I mean, i don't wanted to be slave of this insane and foolish capitalist system. I just wanted to make art and share it with people. And a lot of people laugh of this vision of life ; they find it so naive and unrealistic. But i find their world so disgusting and meaningless.

So, my mother has found for me my actual school. And i think "Oh. It was not my first plans, but i don't know what to do, and how to realize my plans. So.. i think it's a good compromise, an art school, where i will be able to learn animation and to do animation music videos in the future."

And.. I got a real slap in the face. All my dreams were fading away in the benefit of a reality that made me suffer. This school was not an artistic school in the sense that one might think (maybe i was the only ?), but a school who learn to their students to behave into good future capitalists : "art? Yes, it's a good plan to make money. I don't care about what you want to say, it must be popular, it must be cost-effective, and you have to work as fast as possible."

I begin to regret a lot my secondary school, when all our projects was benevolent, teachers were attentive and they wanted us to flourish in these projects.

My actual school turn me last year into a very difficult period, close to burnout. I absolutely didn't fulfilled this need for recognition, i was a student among a lot of talented people, and teachers doesn't knew my name. I just hated all this atmosphere. At the end of the last year, i think about stoping my studies. My dreams were come back, i felt very better at first. But very quickly, the same situation appears : i didn't had the assurance of fight my parents and follow my dreams, and i stayed in the easy way.

Okay.. This article begin to be long, so, i think i had introduce the subject and the problem well, now, let's talk about the present.
I feel very anxious about new school year, saying that i don't want to it will be an eupheumism.
But i can't stop it now, because of everything i said above, and because i can't give up so near from the end, I would have done all this for nothing, and I wouldn't have this paper that supposedly opens the doors to the future...

But one thing have changed compared to last year. I begin to question my past dreams, and begin to think in a realistic way, seeing all the inconvenients. Also, it doesn't match with my personnality. I am not a person who likes projectors, i am not a scene person. I wanted it because i had a lack of recognition (i always had it, i think), but this is not my real nature. I am more the introvert artist, who create in quiet in her room.

But one thought remains, which I cannot get rid of : i am afraid of a future where i would not be famous. (It's a problem, especially since statistically, there's little chance) I have remains like i couldn't find sense in life if all i done cannot be seen by all the world.

And that's all the problem. I begin to think that being famous is not a good idea, but thinking of being unknown made me afread a lot.

So... that's my state of mind at the moment. I feel very lost, I have melancholic phases very regularly.
I don't have real projects, and i don't know what to do in the future, what profession make..

I just know that i want to be an artist, and don't want to follow the conformist path. I think i'm too sensitive for this world, and society has nothing in common with my ideas of life and so on.
In that case, it is very difficult to project yourself into this world, and find a comfortable place in it.

Many thanks to all who will read this far... I will be very grateful if you take the time to leave a comment ; i really need to talk at this time i think. I really want to know your experiences, what do you do in life and how did you get to this point, especially for artists.

So, i really want to discuss with someone, you can notified me if you are available, we can discuss on discord or anything.

Thank you all, and have a nice day. :)
See you soon, in a better mood I promise! ;)