Thoughts you have when visiting a grieving person…

It took me a whole week to finally be able to write about this and I don’t know if I should feel good about it or not. The incident is nothing less than a tragedy and there is nothing to feel about it except shock and grief but being able to share it and start a conversation, maybe that’s what feels a little comforting about this.

I received a text message last week from one of my good friends who I have known since my university time. She was my batch mate but we didn’t graduate together because I took another year to pass out. Out of the five years degree program, I had spent four years with her and during those four years, everybody had an idea about how protective her parents were. Most of us would travel via public transport but she would always have her parents waiting outside to pick her up. She had always been very close to both of them. Being generally a nice person, she would talk with everyone nicely and be helpful whenever needed. Sometimes she would also offer to drop us to wherever we wanted to go and her parents would happily drive us around. It was always refreshing to see her family interaction that would always be so full of love. Her dad would sing the poem to her mother while she would just smile and enjoy the moment. They didn’t care who was around and who wasn’t, they were all just generally very loving people not only towards each other but towards everyone. To be honest, I wasn’t very close to her but I call her a good friend because I knew that I could count on her and trust her. We didn’t talk much after university ended but we did meet in gatherings and caught up on what was happening in each others’ lives.

The message read,“ My mother is on the ventilator, pray for her”.

I didn’t want to read that message. I had just walked in at home from my office and that is what I got to read. It was hard to gather my thoughts and analyze what could have happened to her because she was perfectly fine the last time I met her. She was always smiling and so active. I called my friend immediately and she sounded all sorts of shocked, sad but so hopeful. She explained to me that a tumor had developed in the stomach and doctors were still not sure what it was. However, they operated her after which she could gain consciousness and was put on the ventilator. I didn’t know what to say to her. However, I tried comforting her with words like, don’t worry, I will pray.
“Her mom passed away today. Funeral to be held tomorrow..“ The next day I received this message.

I was in tears and I just couldn’t digest the reality and I kept thinking it is too unfair to the family, a family that was so happy and that would always stick by each other. Why would this happen to them? How will they bear the loss? How will they ever be able to celebrate anything ever again? I couldn’t help but feel helpless for my friend. I could hardly imagine what she must be going through. I was too sad all day.

I went to visit her the next day. I just didn’t know what I was going to say because I knew that anything I say would be so insignificant to her at the moment. I didn't even know if she would be in her senses. I rang the bell and some aunt opened the gate. Somebody called out her name and to my surprise, the door opened and she was standing there, well composed, fully aware of what was happening. I hugged her, tight. She hugged back and whispered,”She's gone..” I hugged her even tighter. The next hour was spent sitting with her. She went on and on about her last moments with her mother. Looking at her, I could help but feel that she was still in denial and that she hadn’t accepted it. She was still somewhere hopeful to see her again..I just couldn’t help but think that she was still in shock and it would take her a long, long time to recover.. or maybe even never. I was so proud of her to see her talk like she was. She knew that her mother was in a better place and that her suffering was over but the family's suffering had just started. Her father had lost so much weight that he was hardly unrecognizable. Her brother was sit in isolated corners and spend hours crying until somebody would find him. I was proud to see that my friend was holding it so well, or so I thought. Being a daughter, she probably had a lot going on in her mind. Most of which involved her dad. She knew she had to take care of him and she had to deal with it strongly just for her dad. Her dad knew that he had to stay strong for his daughter.

I was really glad to see her talking. Although I couldn’t help my tears at everything she was telling me. She used to still sleep with her mother while holding her hands during the night. Her mother would still pack her lunch and make sure she doesn’t step out of the house without all the essentials, including some prayers for her. Her mother was a part of her routine, probably a bigger part of routine than she herself. She still hadn’t gone back to her home because she didn’t know how to start packing up her mother's stuff that was lying all around the house…

To be honest, just because she was talking, I was able to listen and pay my condolences by being there to listen to her… I didn’t have to think what I was supposed to say to comfort her. I just sat there, she sat there and we talked about her.. she showed me some of her recent pictures and that reminded me of the same smile, the same warmth, and love that her mother always radiated.

The point is, within that one hour, she inspired me so much. I went back home and for days I couldn’t stop thinking about how she's dealing with it. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t sad, it just means that she loved her enough to be content with the fact that her mother’s suffering was over, although that only meant that her life had ended for her. My friend didn’t know how to start carrying on anymore. She felt like her life had ended… I learned from her how to be strong, how to value relationships and how to grieve people and how to overcome my grief.
Today, I am not going to list down how you can help a person grieving for their loved ones because the only thing I have realized is that talking is the best solution.. and having someone to talk to is a blessing. If you want to offer your condolences, the best way is to have them talk to you while you listen to them. Let them know that you care and that their stories matter. Don’t tell them not to cry.. don’t tell them to be patient. Make them remember the good moments and keep trying until they open up and remembering the good moments spent with their loved ones. Situations may vary but the need to be there for someone is constant.