Witnessing our own toxic patterns (and resisting them)
I have had the opportunity to get to know myself even better in this last week. I am learning what I want and need from relationships. It’s uncomfortable territory for me, but necessary work.
One of my relationship patterns is being more invested than the person I pursue, whether for romance or friendship. Do I choose people who are less accessible to torture myself? It’s unclear at the moment. What I do know is I am apparently a “check in every day” person. I have plenty of theories as to why I desire daily reassurance that I’m remembered. I’m grateful for the opportunity to sort through these emotional responses and to wait to hear from someone else instead of constantly reaching out.
It’s okay for me to feel afraid, alone, insecure and more right now. Breaking patterns is hard. My desire for a relationship is not the same as my impulse to be codependent. As always, I am writing through it.
Admission
A secret: I do not want to think of you
as I fall asleep, in my dreams,
with my eyes open sun streaming in
reason being there is no evidence
the affection is returned no proof
I am learning I thrive on reminders
My fear is being needy, not needed
wanting, not wanted. Forgotten or
remembered without a mirror
I’m on fire and I could say so
but that feels like begging and I guess
I wish to be met in the middle.
That seems to be pretty common where you put in more investment in the other person but they don't put in the same effort or close to it. If you overdo it then it can be a problem but being able to notice and change it for yourself is beneficial.