Some examples of avoiding violent communication...Part VIII

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T.: Can you name some examples of avoiding violent communication and turning them into non-violent with achieved results ?

G.: Compassionate communication is a vast area. You can be violent towards other people in so many different ways and on so many different levels. Some of violent communication is obvious while the other is not so easy to detect. Here are two such examples:

● Obvious: „You are such a lazy full.“

● Not so obvious: Father speaks to a daughter: „Here comes my princess.“

If we examine these examples closer, this is what was violent:

● 'Lazy full' is a judgement. Judgement is one of the common ways of blocking the communication. It is most likely that the other side will response by defending or attacking the person back.

To turn such communication into compassionate is to replace judgement with observation.

For example:“You came late for the job five times this month and this resulted in 20% less salary to support your family.“

If you add how you feel about it and what is your concern in caring for the person, it will probably bring completely different result.

● 'Princess' is a judgement. A positive judgement is still a judgement. This judgement is static and does not really describe person . Maybe even the daughter is not satisfied with her behavior at the moment and she still gets this judgement from the father.

She can even become attached to the 'title' and hide some misbehavior in order to keep the 'princess' on the throne.

To turn that in compassionate communication father might say:

„I love you so much, whatever happens I want you to know this.“

Intended message might be the same but the communication is different and respects the free will of the person we speak to.

Compassionate communication focused on needs is very much helpfull in solving different situations that we usually call 'problems'. Here is one simple example:

1. Two people are working at the kitchen. Both of them want lemon and only one is left. So, they fight to win the lemon by taking as strong position as possible.

One can say:“I am the head of the kitchen.“

The other may say:“I can not wait for the other lemon, people depend on me having it.“

They may try to outdo the other in arguments supporting their position. That will not solve the problem.

Solution is to ask: what do you need a lemon for?

The answer might be:

A: I need it for the cake.

B: I need it for the lemonade

That can bring both parties to the level of satisfying their needs. For cake you might need peel, while for the lemonade you need juice.

In order to speak compassionately we need to learn what are the obstacles on the way and what is the process of communication which respects the free will of those involved and focuses on needs. The result might also be that 'we agree that we do not agree', but we do not fight with each other and do not behave violently in different ways.

( To Be Continued )

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