Dear Diary & Song of the Day

At least the head has somewhat settled down. Nothing to really brag about but better than all the crazy stuff i was just forced to go through. I try, i try, i try and alls i do is fail. Pain im so use to, its, its not that difficult to feel fully. The part that really gets me is when uncontrollable FEAR/PHYSICAL PAIN turn on full force. When the nervous system goes crazy and when i see death clearly, not sure how close im getting. Its literally like injecting someone w acid and bad acid at that. I miss my youthful ego with all his problems haha. The " how am i gonna make money self, the this shouldn't be happening self, the one who excessively planned for the future, the one with all the crappy stories ", yeah that guy had it made, who knew?. Dont know where im at. Dont know what will happen. Dont know where the past is. Dont know true satisfaction. Dont know if this is a victorious movie or a sad drama or how much say "i" really have in it. I push on. I have glimpses of hope. I cry alot. I rest in myself, i rest in Being.