"What doesn't kill you..."

I finish work and my head is pulsing. I know I have somewhere to be in an hour and the train takes just over that. Oh well. Being late is a big thing here, people hate it. I'm still not going to apologize.

I want to rest now but I want to attend this event. It's the only chance I have to meet a few people for the foreseeable future. Every free moment is like that. You want to rest, but it's your only chance at this or that. Sometimes you just have to let it go, but I let so many things go this winter, and now I'm trying to live by the law of the land.

In Tokyo if you want to make art, you work full time and then you pay money to make and share your art during your few hours free every week. You don't rest. I don't like it, but I want it. I want to learn focus. And dedication. And discipline. So I'm here.

I want to be able to work nonstop on something that I'm passionate about, and since I always seem to learn the hard way, I'm first learning to work nonstop on things I'm not passionate about, and still working on what I love after that. that is my main purpose for being here.

Once I'm able to write a song before work and a story after work before I go meet a friend to talk about some collaboration, then I'll be ready to move out to the country and live out the sweetest of my dreams.

But actually making this stuff is my dream. I just need to conquer that laziness that comes from believing it's impossible. If I can make life in the city work without giving up on any of this, I can do anything.

As usual I'm pushing my boundaries. I am being challenged every day, if not physically then having my beliefs challenged. I do not believe in working endlessly without rest. I do not believe in living for money and making everything about money, I know we can do better. But I also know i can't change the world any other way that just being myself and I probably won't be able to do much alone.

That's why Im going across the city when I'm exhausted, because I only have a chance to meet the closest thing I have resembling a community of like-minded people. They aren't THAT like-minded and there are other communities out there but this group has at least two people who kind of sort of get what I want to create and might be interested in working together.

Energy gets caught up everywhere though. You really gotta have peace to feel the natural flow of things here. I guess it was easier when I had nothing to my name and was living day to day. It always is. To remain at peace in society is a whole different animal and in tired as fuck but I'm happy to be here. I'm going to be a fucking beast when I learn to work as hard as they do but have the peace of mind not to force myself to and the independence to do things my own way.

I hope you are well and if you believe in what I'm doing, skip a coffee once a month and support me on patreon. I love everyone who does and I love everyone who doesn't.