Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - PART 50

RECOGNIZING THE PARADOX

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49

All of the adventures Quinn and I shared, by ourselves and with others, were really other-worldly.  I’ve never known anyone to travel in such a spontaneous creative fashion, completely leaving the outcome of every moment to divine unfolding.

The incredible experiences we shared added more layers to Quinn’s own personal repertoire of life experiences.  He had now traveled to many countries around the world, to nearly all the continents and all 50 states.  My list of travels was also growing, as were the opportunities for my personal growth. Many of my ideas about the life I was living were shattered, and many others surfaced, binding me until I was uncomfortable enough to let them go.

Often while Quinn was recounting some of our experiences, he would use the world “I”.  “I went to Scotland.”  “I went to Ireland.” “While I was in Mexico….”  It was odd and somewhat disturbing for me to hear him talk about these amazing adventures we shared together as if he did them by himself.  I wasn’t mad about his sharing of what he did, but I was feeling hurt that he didn’t include me in the sharing of it.  Because I felt neither of our experiences would have been complete without each other, I couldn’t really understand why he would make it sound like I wasn’t there.

Quite a few of my friends brought up the subject confirming what was going on internally.  It was as if they were inside my head giving supportive validation to my feelings of exclusion.  After attempting to deal with these feelings on my own, I shared with Quinn.  He simply said he wasn’t excluding me, he was just talking about his own personal experiences.  

I sat with what Quinn told me, and I found the perspective that helped me feel at ease.  

• I realized it didn’t have anything to do with Quinn, but of course it was all about me, mE. ME!!  
• I reminded myself that I was responsible for my experience, my own feelings, and my own happiness.  
• I remembered that I got to choose how I felt about things, and could either tune in from where Quinn was sharing, or tune into my own feelings of unworthiness.  
• If I needed someone to share my story so I could feel better about myself, then that was something I really needed to look at. 
• I reminded myself that I could toot my own horn, and if it was important to me for others to know that I was there, then I could tell them myself.  
• I got to question why I wanted anyone else to know in the first place.
• Opportunity knocked to consider what expectations I had about being acknowledged by Quinn.

And so from that point on, as I owned my own ideas about our life experiences together, I had greater awareness of how I was creating my own perceived reality of being “left out”.  And funny, that very quickly thereafter, Quinn just naturally started including me when talking about those experiences, but not until I truly found a new way to look at things.  Just talking to him was a great release as he helped me to immediately see that it wasn’t about what he was doing, but my own lack of self-worth that was tripping me up.

I received that really life-changing moment with Quinn, which seemed like a semi-small thing in the grand scheme of things, but found it was merely a scratch on the surface of deep seated feelings of unworthiness.  I was so grateful that my experience changed when I took responsibility for my feelings, thoughts and actions.  It was like I let the steam out of the pressure cooker and just surrendered.  When I let go of resistance, room for feeling good entered in.

It’s easy to jump in full-on and become immersed in ideas that someone else is creating and is responsible for a situation that makes me uncomfortable.  I have found that my friends will often show me where I am in my thinking, even when I don’t feel ready to voice it myself.  I have also found that situations arise that appear to justify my position of unworthiness, giving me the opportunity to blame, or to take responsibility for myself.   I have realized that when things get uncomfortable, those are exactly the places to go to make true transformation.

The more trauma that seeped out of my pores, the more I had to look at, and the greater and more profound the potential for awakening.  I had hoped that with each challenge I faced my difficulties in dealing with them would be lessened.  I never knew how deep and thick the layers were however, and often removing one layer would open up another layer more gooey and sticky than the one before.

It has been proven time and time again that once I shift my perspective, either my friends stop bringing up the touchy subject, or their concerns no longer have potency, or add negativity to my internal dialogue.  I become strong in my own convictions, and find my own inner peace.

Being around Quinn was a constant reminder to find and stand in my own power.  He never took on my traumas, but helped me to tune into a different perspective and rise above.  Having such a conscious creature as my mirror helped me to see that both of our perspectives existed--the intense dichotomy of the difficulty and the blessing.   My gratitude for Quinn’s presence in my life sustained itself as I did the internal work of opening to the divine paradox of life while choosing love instead of fear.

Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 51

Get in on the series from @saramiller about her own intriguing  personal experience at the @gardenofeden.

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