What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Have you ever had that spoken to you when you're in the middle of the worst situation in your whole life?

I have and my knee jerk reaction was to want to kill that person!

But the truth of the matter is that that cliche is tested by experience and time and it is TRUE. In 'Psycho speak' the word is RESILIENCE - the ability to recover or bounce back.

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The 5 most stressful situations that anyone can face are:

Death of a loved one ......Divorce......Moving house......Serious illness.......Job loss

Human beings thrive largely in lives that have well set patterns of behaviour. Take the example of a baby. Most young animals thrive in situations of routine. Most new borns adjust gradually to times set for feeding, bathing, playing and sleeping. As they relax they are able to sleep through the night, a huge milestone in the parents' lives.

Life is unpredictable, inconsistent and full of surprises. Dr Sherona Rawat, a Durban clinical psychologist says "resilient people build successful, adaptable lives more easily. They can also sustain that success over time due to their ability to adjust after a setback to a normal state of functioning."

Sometimes we feel all too human and need help in becoming resilient. 'Bouncing back' in the midst of a crisis seems utterly impossible. First and foremost we should simply ask for help. It is amazing how often people are ready to do just that. Many of us foolishly are too proud and actually prevent a friend or family member from the pleasure of performing some task or simply giving support.

 Have you ever said sincerely to a grieving friend "if there is anything I can do to help. please just ask me." It might just be picking up your children from school, or coming over for a cup of tea so you can talk about things. 

I have been asked and found it a huge privilege to be allowed into that troubled person's 'space'.

I have found a whole lot of words that like Resilience also begin with R and they will help Restore you to Recover from whatever ordeal you are facing. Try and Restore your Routine as soon as possible. If someone is very ill in hospital for instance try to restore the routine in the home whether you are on your own but especially if there are children involved. We need to eat and sleep regularly and if children know that bathtime and bedtime are still being adhered to they will adapt more easily.

Recreation is very important to break the tension of any of the causes of stress. Take time out, sometimes on your own so that a walk in a forest or a paddle in the ocean can restore you.  Escape with your family on a picnic so that you can escape the pressure. 

Run....   or exercise in any way that helps you simply concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and think of breathing in and out and feel the burn of muscles. Deep breathing is a great leveler in any tense situation, really whoosh that air in and out of your lungs with energy and feel better.

Restore yourself by smiling and laughing on purpose. Sometimes the situation is so grim that it is natural for the body to reject any sign of enjoying yourself. It's a form of guilt perhaps. By giving the brain permission to enjoy a break of humour is very important to regain control of one's life again. You will begin THRIVING instead of just SURVIVING.

Recognise that you are already resilient. Look back purposefully over your life and think of 3 times in which you have already bounced back or helped others in a significant way. 

Recovery may be slow so be kind to yourself.......be patient. 

Repeat hopeful, helpful things out loud. Be positive even when you are facing a mountain of sadness. The brain eventually gets the message and when the brain is less foggy then solutions come more readily.

You can't control your circumstances all the time but you can increase your resilience to them by developing a sense of mastery over your life. Joining a support group, reading books by people who have helped themselves or others can motivate you.  Mindfulness training and meditation or prayer helps place you in the present moment where you don't dwell on the past or look too far into the future.

Finally,  a licensed mental health professional can help you develop a strategy for moving forward. Find someone with whom you have a 'connection' who will help you see 'a light at the end of the tunnel' or who will help you find that 'cloud with the silver lining'.....all well worn, well tested sayings that will help put the sparkle back in your eye.

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