My Sad Little Awards Shelf

When I was a kid I seemingly could do nothing right. I was one of those lost souls that no one really remembers for anything good or bad. I just simply existed in the halls and sat in the back of the special ed classroom.

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I remember going over to friends houses and they all seemed to have a awards shelf in their room. For some of them, it was like a shrine their room centered around. I could get no award to save my life.

I finally did get a 'participation' ribbon. My parents had put up a little shelf in my room, so I made it my awards shelf. Soon I had another award on the shelf next to my green ribbon and Rubix cube. It was an actual trophy. My guilt-ridden secret is that I found it at my grandpa's thrift shop. But no one, including my parents, seemed to notice it was a false trophy. At least no one ever said anything. I don't remember what it was, or what it looked like, I just remember having it for awhile until I threw it away. Probably, someone (a brother or sister likely) asked about it and it revealed my game.

Hungry for respect

When I bust out on the scene in life, in my 20's, I was hungry for accolades and awards. I had already gotten a taste for them in my later teens because I had a successful band that did pretty well and got reviews now and then in papers. I'd also won some awards for art, but the deal is, something of my childhood disappointment drove me to kind of insane lengths to be really good at art and music. I see now, looking back, I wanted to be recognized. And so I was.

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By the end of my 20's I had a huge wall, probably 10 feet long, that was completely covered with regional and national awards of all types. Big gaudy gold awards, sleek glass awards, official gold leaf certificates and heavy wooden plaques. So many awards I stopped counting at one point. And I could have kept winning them, but at that point, In my late 20's, I stopped pursuing awards altogether. I really thought they were quite pointless, stupid even.

"Awards mean absolutely nothing if you don't get it. If you do get it, they're the best thing in the world." Mads Mikkelsen

I thought that because except for an initial rush of feeling like I belonged in the world, nothing really came from them. I didn't get substantially more money, no fame really, no big opportunities, they were just like a 2 day high, then back to my boring life.

I was really just fed up with life at that time. My personal life was in chaos, my marriage about to end. I hated the work I did. I felt little purpose in the life I led. I went on to pursue other things, but never awards.

The Stranger Girl who did well

Step more than a decade later. I remember this girl that just showed up on the music scene in Dallas. She had literally only been there for a month, and it seemed like everyone in town knew who she was. She came to my place one day to help with some project I was doing We were just bantering and I said something (that is common for me to say) "Oh, I have no idea why I make music, it's an addiction. And not a good one." What caught me off guard was she replied to my self-depreciation very seriously. She said, " I know why I do it. I want accolades, and I'm going to get them."

It was such an odd statement among artists. First of all, even if we do want accolades, who the hell admits that?

Sure enough, over the coming years, I started seeing her all over the place in the local music media. Then oh wow, she just got a big review in that big magazine, then oh wow, she's like doing this huge thing, wow, she won 'best artist' for this and that.

Accolades for longevity

So what's the point of this story? First of all, I have to admit, I had some self-worth issues when I was young. But, beyond that. My eventual dislike of awards and accolades came from a very logical progression. Nothing came from them. Almost literally nothing. Maybe a little cash, or some applause. But in the end, I was always in the same position as I was before I got the award, struggling like hell to put projects together.

But I've changed my tune. Also from a logical progression. I watched that girl rise to the top of our local scene, and even regional success. I could see behind the scenes that her day to day artist life had not changed much, the struggles were just as ever they were. But eventually she used her accolades to land in some career opportunities, and to this day, she uses her notoriety (her accolades notoriety) to make a living. Does she still make music? I don't know, but she is known as an interesting music personality around her.

"Awards can give you a tremendous amount of encouragement to keep getting better, no matter how young or old you are."- Alan Alda

I then saw my own past accolades and awards start to pay dividends. I picked up some new ones, and they paid dividends. I was always looking for the awards to pay dividends directly from 'fans'. But fans could care less about your awards. The industries in which you receive them, care a lot about them.

An Artist retirement plan

I see now something akin to what that stranger girl showed me, that they are a type of currency to get where you need to go. They are a platform for you to stand on with a little authority if you choose to do so. That's another thing I did not get, nor do, I didn't realize that these give me a social currency, especially in certain industries. The are kind of a roundabout to get to where you want. I also was trying to use them to heal some wounds that they had no means to heal.

As I move into the second phase of my life, I see that they open a lot of doors for me. I don't like carry them around, but they are put here and there now, whereas before they sat in a drawer. When I send out a letter, PR or Press, I usually drop in there my latest award or accolade. It put's me and the person reading in an understanding that I'm at least 'okay' at what I do, so we can just start from a higher level of partnership. They don't have to second guess whether I'm serious, or whether I have experience, the awards and accolades, depending who they are issued from, speak a thousand resume words for you.

"You don't learn from successes; you don't learn from awards; you don't learn from celebrity; you only learn from wounds and scars and mistakes and failures. And that's the truth." - Jane Fonda

I also see them opening up opportunities for 'expertise' type ventures outside of music and art. I'm really not sure these opportunities would present themselves at all without the awards. Even if they did, It would be an uphill battle of 'proof' for me to reach the same platform.

The point is that they are very helpful as time goes on. Especially as you get older. True, none of them had immediate dividends. Maybe a few had some cash that came from them, but that was gone so fast, and even the cash didn't help matters much. Usually just paid for whatever I had overspent anyway. They were helpful in another way. They are all together like a structure built under me that holds me a little higher in this deep pond of life.

In the end, I care about them less and less as I get older. It barely even tweaks my meter, mainly because I'm already pretty damn happy most of the time. The event is usually exciting for a few hours, yet so is a night with my kids. I don't pursue awards very often. But now, when I do and I get one, I see the value in them. I know they are useful to my life. Maybe now, maybe next year, but in some way, they will almost always pay some kind of dividends (If you recognize it's worth and currency).

If you do pursue awards realize that they don't say what you are or are not; only you can MAKE what you 'are' evedent in your work. But, also if you win, don't be shy about it, it's a time for celebration.