Benign Neglect in Parenting

Ok, I know. Neglect doesn't exactly have a positive connotation. Give me a minute, though, to clarify what I mean here.

We'll start with what I don't mean. I don't mean leaving your five year old alone overnight. I don't mean deciding to stop feeding your kids. I don't mean letting your three year old use sharp knives and the stove while you lay on the couch doing crystal. In fact I don't advocate crystal use ever.

They were seriously lord of the flies at this point

I sort of naturally fell into this kind of parenting because I had my first child at 23. Not super young, I know, but young enough that I was still interested in a social life. Now I'm 42 and quite honestly considering becoming that crazy old lady who lives in that creepy house by herself and never talks to anyone as soon as my kids move out. When they want to visit, they'll have to secretly sneak in at night so neighbors don't know I have company. Anyway. I digress.

Hot tubbing pregnant ;)

I was still a super committed mama, and I found things we could do together, but I didn't stop conversations or even get up off the couch for every request, much less every squabble overheard from another room. Part laziness, part intentional. Unless someone is actually injured, I really don't/didn't want to hear about it. They learn to work it out, and that's a crucial skill that seems to be lacking in many adults and also countries. They learned to make their own sandwiches and reheat things in the microwave. Both older kids could fry an egg on their own by 5 or 6. My 5 year old can make French toast all on his own except lighting the stove and flipping.

She's 11 here. Already baking on her own and teaching him

I believe strongly in raising independent kids with solid critical thinking skills. Now before you start thinking I'm some callous asshole, I absolutely cuddle and nurture my kids. I care compassionately for them when they're injured. I shoot eye daggers at anyone who tells them not to cry. I listen to their interests and give attention to their accomplishments. It's a balance, though. I can't always drop what I'm doing. Sometimes they have to wait. Sometimes they need to work through their boredom. Sometimes they need to resolve arguments without intervention.

Resolution by sword fight!

There are a lot of kids entering college who are lacking these skills. I see a whole lot of parents and teachers doing what looks to me like enabling. Solving every problem for your child does not help them in the long run. Dropping your own life to hang on their each and every word is not really serving them. The rest of the world won't, and what's worse is that they'll never learn boundaries for themselves. They'll allow others to walk all over them or think they can walk on other people. I can also tell you from personal experience that it sucks to grow up and have no clue how to cook or operate a washing machine. Letting kids learn to do for themselves is such a gift.

This philosophy grew leaps and bounds for me when I helped found a Sudbury School in Asheville, NC. The benefits I saw for children to be in charge of, and responsible for, themselves and their education were so numerous. When you request a class from a staff, you must set a time and show up on time. When you have a problem with another student, you can choose to submit a form to the judicial committee or not. Infractions are handled seriously. Petty squabbles are usually dismissed. In any case, no staff member is intervening in bickering over a toy. Nor is anyone spoon feeding information to you from some arbitrary, predetermined list of things you must know by 18. When there's something you want to know, you seek it out - from a staff, another student, the Internet, whatever. You take responsibility for yourself.

Near as I can tell, that's a good thing. What do you think? Am I a meanie butt? Do kids need more or less direction? I love talking parenting.