I Wish I Was A Robot
Or maybe a borg. Someone who fits into society's idea of what it is to be a functioning member of a collective...
I have a love/hate relationship with these thoughts.
This is going to look very much like a diary entry, but I have to vent...
When I was little, another kid called me weird, and it hurt my feelings. I told my dad, and he said something I've never forgotten. He replied, "If anyone ever calls you weird, take it as a compliment. Being weird makes you special and unique. Who would want to be normal?"
So from then on, whenever someone called me weird, I would say, "Thank You." This always caused the name-caller to be thrown off guard, and it stopped them in their tracks. He taught me to value my individuality at a young age.
It's painful though. I've always had an aversion to fitting in, and it's not on purpose. I just don't know how. In second grade I took unnecessary bathroom breaks all the time just to get out of the classroom. I never wanted to play in sports or be in any clubs. In fact I dropped out of high school because of social anxiety. Even today if I'm around people who are small talking, I both envy them and am afraid of them, not knowing what to say.
I've even had the thought that it would be better for me not to be intelligent. Maybe I would sail through life with more ease, and though this condition of mine has brought discomfort in the past, at this point in my life has gotten downright dangerous.
By leaping before I looked, and not having a group consciousness, and by voicing my protest against certain groups, I attracted gangstalkers.
By not going with the flow and allowing my children to be free from public school, I have attracted CPS and am now on their radar as well.
My children might be ripped from me because I don't want to be one of them. I can't be one of them. I can pretend to be "normal" behind a screen, and I enjoy social media, because I can communicate much better in writing, but in real life it is nearly impossible...
This is the dilemma I face today. How do I just go through the motions without breaking down? How do I stop myself from caring. From feeling. From dreaming. From thinking. From being human.
Thanks for reading
Love, snowpea ❤
Images from Pinterest
It is hard to walk in a world of ghosts. One trick that can help a little is to pull back from your internal dialogue when you have no choice to interact with them. Your mind will whisper their energy is not true, but if you pull back from it, recognizing the mind is not you, it is merely a tool, the emotions repelling you from the fakeness will hold little to no power over you.
Please don't stop feeling / dreaming / being human. As an alien eyeball myself, I can tell ya this non-human thing isn't all it is cracked up to be. But I am so sorry to hear that you are potentially facing losing your child, although hopefully just being on CPS radar as a home-school mom isn't actually a real danger of losing your kid. This is a very open and honest post, and resonates with a lot of my own experience. Sending you love and good vibrations :) (and just maybe, a second small Curie vote? ;)
Somehow when I read and commented on your article, I missed that you were even with curie! Thank you so much, and I'm glad you liked my post! :D
Amen, my Alliance Sister. Your Dad was spot on.
I am just sorry that CPS is unfairly and shamefully trying to do what they are doing.
Prayers and Thoughts going out to you and your lovely family and as always full upvote :)
I hope this will all be over soon. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers @robertandrew! :)
I am touched. @snowpea. Trying to fit in means trying to please others and that's a difficult task because people cannot be pleased. And if you wan to please everyone, you might lose your mind and yourself in the process. Being weird is just the way to make reasonable impact.
So true, one can't make an impact or facilitate change if they are the same as everyone else. Thanks for your comment!
I can get through the day by realizing that life is just a simulation for what is to come. Most of it is just BS. I no longer worry about making friends as I have the best friend that anybody can have; the great JC.
I wish I had an answer for you. I feel like you've just reflected my own thoughts back at me! It took me a long time to stop trying to fit in, because I finally realised it was never going to happen.
I detest it the most when people in a group try to push someone to be part of the group and ridicule the person when they choose not to. I for one don't always prefer to be in a group and dont always like to do what others are doing. I think everyone is responsible for their choices and as such should not be pushed into becoming a part of a collective trend or way of life.
I'm glad you agree, and have the same sentiments as me! Much love and thanks for your comment! :)