Wow, John! A beautiful example of letting go.

You admitted your anger at your friend's careless lifestyle that caused his death.....you said he killed himself and in a way he did, I know.

It makes a lot of sense that you miss him and are angry at him at the same time.

Maybe now that you've said it, he will rest in some sort of peace and you will be free of self blame —he didn't want to be saved.