And... (a poem for someone, or maybe a bunch of someones, or maybe a something)
It's not you, it's me..
Except that's not really true, is it?
It's a bit of you, a bit of me,
Same as with any relationship.
And you say I don't come around as much,
And I say I'll try better next time.
And when I try, you push,
And when you call, I shove.
Sometimes, I think we can't work no more.
And other things happen,
And claws sink in my back,
And roller-coaster rides into nowhere.
I forget about you,
About us,
About the promises we made.
And I feel like you've forgotten me, too,
And I suppose it's only fair.
There were so many words I could've said,
And sometimes, I feel like if I don't say 'em now,
I just never might.
But you're not the same you,
And I no longer know who I am.
I don't know how these two malformed pieces of us
Fit together.
I think I miss you,
But perhaps I just miss our common past.
Genius:
My hat off to you. I stick my melancholy as a feather in it for all the Us that never was.
Thank you :) I appreciate that.
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The picture is the perfect title.
I like it but i am not a poemoisseur
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Isn't it? I found it online and it just felt like it worked :) Thank you, I'm not a poemoisseur either :P
This makes me think of aging, and how weird it is to look back at ourselves from a decade later. There is always this sense of longing, because I really did love that former person, but at the same time it is so much better to be in the now.
That's it exactly. You can't go back, can't get stuck in the past, no matter how pleasant that past once was :)
Wow. It sounds very heartfelt. Very painful, on one hand, but very lucid on the other, like you're powerless to change the direction a relationship is taking you, but you can see it very clearly. And you can see how tired you are of fighting. And you just give up, resign to leaving everything behind.
I liked this part especially:
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had spoken my thoughts in certain situations, if I had been honest about the way I felt. And I still fill I should have the right to say those words, even though I feel them wash away day after day. But then again, if I couldn't go beyond my pride, or my indifference, or (more often than not) my insecurity enough to make that one last attempt and come clear, maybe in the back of my mind it was not worth it after all.
Now, is it my turn to ask you if everything's ok?
Sometimes, I'm like that :) See clearly what's happening, perhaps too clearly, perhaps when I'd like to lie to myself. Then again, sometimes I'm utterly blind.
Don't we all?
Think back and find different things to say in certain situations, wonder what your life would look like now if you had, wonder if you'd be happier, if you'd find yourself wanting the same things you're lacking now...
But you can't go back, and with that in mind, all you can do is try your hardest to act right. Because one day, you'll look back and wish things had been different, maybe, and the only consolation you got is that you did the right thing.
Very possible. It's... not necessarily easy, but different, to look back and say "i should've done different". But at that point in time, you most probably felt to act as you did and maybe there was a reason for that. I always tell myself that if it had been the right choice, you would've known then.
You can't judge past choices based on who you are now, on all the experiences, lessons and heartache you've acquired in the time since, because it's not fair to the you who made the choice.
I'm fine, thank you for asking :) Some feelings I like to cultivate for my own selfish, artistic desires :D
Isn't that the beauty of it? When you think you've got everything figured out you realize that you didn't see something obvious, that you might have seen if you weren't that busy following and trying to untangle every single thread in your head?
All of what you've said about the past, I agree wholeheartedly, you know. I don't live in the past, but just like you, I refuse to forget about it. I feel it teaches me things about myself, things that sometimes take mere moments to see, and sometimes it takes whole years. See...
...I don't know if there's a right thing and a wrong thing. There's no scientific way to prove it. Right by whom? By me? Even the worst murderers sometimes do what they think is right by themselves. By someone else? Kind of pointless. Been there, done that, it ends up doing even more damage. I'd rather think of my past choices as something I did following certain parameters, and I need to decide day by day where I stand about those parameters, and why they're there. Where they come from. I know it sounds extremely mechanical, and I think by now you must have noticed I'm not exactly a mechanical person. But logic is, and it has always been, my best friend :) Also,
...what makes self-consciousness possible is to refuse any kind of judgement. If I did judge my choices I wouldn't be able to be honest about myself, with myself. Or with you, here, probably. This means, for me, that when I look at my scars I might feel some regret, but I never, ever hate myself for anything. I'm all I've got in the end.
And as always, I feel I led the whole conversation in a direction that goes way beyond what the original intentions were. I loved your poem, it says a lot about relationships of every kind and self-clarity, and it does so in a very straightforward way. I swear to you you're the only person I've ever met who can get me rambling about the past this much.
I feel we might not be that different on that front. Except for the fact that I don't have an artistic bone in my body. But hey, no one can beat my cultivation skills :D
Don't know if I'd call it beautiful or harrowing ;)
Hmm I meant the right thing according to you at the time. There is no ultimately right thing, as you said. But there is some comfort in knowing you acted as well as you could at the time. Beats knowing you were a shitty person.
It's weird at times, maintaining a certain mindset or feeling so as to draw on it, because in a way, you're denying your body's natural healing process.
And hey, don't be so harsh on yourself.