I graduated university with a degree in english literature with a focus on poetry. My favorite activity in my writing classes was explicating poetry. We'd print out thirty copies of our poems and everyone in class would scratch out words, cut lines, and rework phrases. They'd then give their brief impression about our poems. It was brutal. It was terrifying. It was the best tool for improvement I've even known. I hope you'll benefit from it here.
Editing, refinement, and feedback are the hallmarks of successful writing. My hope is that you'll use this to make better poetry and improve your craft.
The image your poem invokes, to me, is a person sitting on their bed at night listening to music through headphones, and they get a notification on their phone. Something happens and they respond. There is some sort of connection.
I like the overall feeling your words illustrate: a person who is or is not content, longing, and possibly hurt, lounging at night sleepless using music as a blanket for sorrow. By the end I imagine the speaker is smiling.
My notes are intended to help you as a writer.
Use active language. You often twist your sentences around for the rhyme. Which is fine when it flows nicely. Speak in active language in your poetry; it is easier to read, flows better, and is more effective at conveying your intended images. Passive language is like, "The sound of drums echo through my head." Active language is like, "Drums echo in my head." The next line could be, "I'm deafened listening to music in bed."
Passive: "earphones plugged in, and set to the loudest." Active: "I ignored the loud volume warning, and set my earphones to loudest."Line breaks are not punctuation. You use new lines as pauses, or thought breaks. They are not. When you read poetry the line breaks are not = stops. Commas are soft pauses, like for breath. Periods are hard pauses.
Give the reader specifics! What exactly does "my mind goes on a trip southwards" mean? What did the message say? What was the response, and why did the speaker feel a connection? That is the interesting part! Give us more detail! I have so many questions after the first two stanzas. Answer them!
Cut liberally. Is the last stanza needed?
Keep writing!
I really appreciate all the helpful insight, I'll implement a lot more of it in me poetry... the context of this poem was just some random conversation that a friend and I were having and coincidentally I was also listening to music. The lack of detail is to intrigue the readers and keep them reading. The last stanza is needed, the conversation clearly ends with a reconnection. The last stanza indicates the willingness to wait for a day where the girl and I could be together in real life and not just over a message... I see how the vagueness impacts the full image and will work on it, but not everythig that happens needs to be shared :) I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out as I have not yet attended uni to study further in English literature.
I'm happy you found value! I understand not mentioning the mundane, or the total sum of all experiences. But context helps create a better image, and therefore makes it more interesting. I ask, "how can you convey the talking with a friend and the willingness to wait for a girl you want for more than just over messages?"
I think the last stanza can deliver the same message, but be written more effectively.
Obscurity and abstraction is not interesting for readers. It is confusing and makes us move on. Writers have to earn interest. I struggle with it constantly. I like reading my own work, but I know all the nuance and subtly that makes me happy to read doesn't make it interesting for my readers.
I see... I'll definitely start working on it, I'll try to infuse more detail in my poems