Wasn't Expecting That
Child’s toy
Flying lead
Soulless joy
Now you’re dead
Beauty lost
Cartridge spent
Unknown cost
Heart paid rent
Gently drifting
Floating Down
Round and round
Without a sound
Snatched your life
Hidden rage
Self awareness
Comes of age
Dying on leaves
End of days born
You must go
Yet both we mourn
Now I stay
While you away
Your life my pain
We both must pay
Memory’s tinder
In my mind
Thoughts of you
Burn in time
Your song gone
And so I sing
For you for me
So still your wing
Black your feather
Match my soul
Last breath earth’s tether
Make me whole
As a life is lived,
it is filled with experiences of all kinds. There is joy, sadness, and everything in between. I’m pretty sure we all carry the scars of regret.
As a young kid
I talked my mom into letting me have a pellet gun when I was about 12 years old. I spent untold hours shooting holes in pop cans, leaves off of trees, you name it. I was pretty responsible for a 12 year old. I had a lot of chores to do and I never shirked them. Dishes, loading bricks onto scaffolds for the bricklayer, chopping firewood, cutting grass, shovelling snow and more.
I was, however, alone
with my own thoughts a lot. In the winter time all of my summer friends would return to the city and I wasn’t really able to get together with school friends too much. So I played my guitar and I shot my pellet gun along with all the other things kids do.
A lot had happened to me by then
that my mother never found out about until I was nearly 50 years old. The sexual abuse and other forms of abuse I went through over the years left me very confused about the world I lived in. I could feel a pull towards darkness at times, and I hated how it felt. But the pull was strong. A need to lash out and retaliate for all the pain I had been through was brewing deep inside of me. I didn’t know it. I was just experiencing things for the first time as life was lived. Weeks, months and years over and over again. I was never an angry person, but I was severely injured and bewildered by the evil in the world. My poor mother never knew what was happening to me, and now that she knows I’m not sure she will ever have a full night of sleep again in this life. For that, I am very sorry. It just came out one day. I couldn’t hold back the dam any longer.
I had shot so many thousands of rounds
through that old pellet gun, you could bet I was pretty accurate with it. Anyone would be I suppose. One summer day I spotted a black bird sitting on a tree branch about 25 yards away. Surely I couldn’t hit it, I thought. I had never shot at a living thing before, and I’m not sure what prompted me to do it. When I fired at the bird I thought perhaps I had missed. But I had not missed. I had hit it square in the head. It gently placed its head under its wing, fell slowly from the branch, and drifted to the ground in small circles. Very slowly, with both wings fully extended.
I was pretty sure I knew
what would happen to the bird if I shot it, but I truly had no idea what would happen to me. In the final moments of the bird’s life, I experienced a moment of clarity. I could forgive myself for killing a living thing if I needed food for myself and my family. But killing even a small bird for no other reason than to watch it die was the most heart wrenching thing imaginable for me. Does it seem like a small matter? Something not worth contemplating? Perhaps to some. For me it was a turning point in my life. It was the day that the darkness left me, and I had no desire to hit back at the world for all that had happened to me. And, was yet to happen.
A little black bird that I killed,
changed my life forever. It gave me an unexpected gift. As it silently died, something passed between us. I had stolen its voice. And so I sing for it now. It extinguished my anger, and gave me peace with the torment in the world around me, and a desire to never hurt anything again in this world. Although I have hunted off and on throughout the years, I often wonder if I purposely suck at it because I would rather take pictures of animals. I’m pretty sure that’s the only kind of shooting that resonates with me these days.
The song is one of my very favourites
called, Wasn’t Expecting That by Jamie Lawson. As always, it’s one single take vocal with no corrections. It is the perfect song to sum up my thanks for the small bird that made all the difference in my life. And I continue to be thankful. I expected to be triumphant when my pellet found its mark, but instead I found myself confronted with my own pain. The pain of its death offered me a choice. To cause more pain, or to start to heal and be a bearer of peace and healing. I am sorry. Thank you. I wasn’t expecting that.
TheBugIQ
Poem ~ Vocals ~ All photos in slideshow by TheBugIQ
Wanna cry for this:
Yup, also guilty as it was written lol. Thank you :)
That part did indeed bring me to tears
You have really crafted an amazing post here. First let me say your vocals on the cover song are simply superb. Amazing vocal control. I was not familiar with the song but I just went and listened to the original artist and I can honestly say I prefer your version. While the poetry was not entirely my cup of tea (not your fault, just a stylistic preference, not really a big fan of rhyming in poetry in general), the prose that followed was BEAUTIFUL. Just simply beautiful, truthful writing. You had me in tears. Taken as a whole though this post is even greater than the sum of its parts. I wasn't expecting that. This is one of my favorite posts, taken altogether, that I have read/listened to on Steem blockchain bar none. Much love - Carl
and for your support now and in the past on other posts. The song being unfamiliar is its true charm for me. About three years ago now, I played a gig back in Lagoon City where the black bird gave me its gift. After my gig I was all packed up and sitting down to have some late dinner and a beer and this song came over the house system. I couldn't shazam it fast enough. It really got my attention. A little ironic or fateful that I would hear the song for the first time back in Lagoon City and odd that it would be pretty much an unfamiliar one hit wonder.
The poem is a tip of my hat to a 12 year old me who made a good decision to turn a soulless act into something meaningful and not wasted. The poem is written with something like a school assembly feel in mind or any large crowd reciting it. Again, I envisioned a group of 12 year old kids chanting it. If you set a metronome beat, and talk it to that, it gives it a little more life. There are a couple of easter eggs in the poem. 'Heart paid rent' is a double meaning. The obvious paying rent, the other torn. As well 'So still your wing' can be taken as simple stillness, or in context a comforting farewell with an implied comma after 'So.'
I received has manifested itself many times and in many ways in my life. I waited a long time between my first and second marriages. Some 15 years or so. My second wife, who you see third slide in the slideshow, sat me down in our living room in Kamloops, BC for a chat after about 5 years of marriage. She needed to confess to me that she had been sleeping with two other guys and was working on a third. I had zero clue, not even a suspicion. When I stood up to go to the kitchen I wonder what she thought. She knew she couldn't get out of the condo without going past me so she stayed put and let things unfold. Maybe she thought I had gone to get a knife, or was going to wreck the kitchen in anger.
and a towel and I washed her feet and quietly sang Jesus loves me to her. I dried her feet and left. She sobbed quietly while I did that. I've found a point in my life @carlgnash where I just don't care what people think or know about me. If folks think I'm not much of a man for that act, or that it's too spiritually limp I could care less. What I care about is the gift. You see, when I went to get the water and towel for my wife's feet, I already knew she was heading down an endless path of disappointment and I felt only sadness for her and for me. The life of that little black bird stayed my anger and my hand. I have never raised a hand to a woman and I don't see myself doing it unless a ufc chick decks me in a bar, then it's on. Over my shoulder she goes and we gettin' married.
Wow this comment probably deserves a Curie :) Thanks for the context RE the poetry, that actually makes a lot of sense and reading with that in mind made it much more impactful for me. A humble suggestion, I think it would actually be worth recording an audio version of you reading that poem and posting here to dsound - possibly even to update this post with a link if it is still in payout/editable if and when you take me up on this suggestion. I think this is a poem that needs to be heard out loud, after having read it out loud myself.
This post was nominated by a @curie curator to be featured in an upcoming Author Showcase post on the @curie blog. If you agree to be featured in this way, please reply and:
You can check out the previous week's Author Showcase to get an idea of what we are doing with these posts.
Cheers - Carl (@curie curator)
thanks for replying. Someone let me know you are part of the @curie team on a Sunday discord so it was cool to get a bit of third hand background on you. Recording the poem is a great idea! I will record and provide a link to the poem likely with soundcloud, as dsound will likely try to hijack all of my tags and formatting lol.
to use any text or images from the post. If you want a higher rez image from the slideshow just let me know which image and the rough time count it appears in the slideshow.
of my own website would be pretty adequate for something about me, and I also haven't been holding much back in previous posts. Please feel free to ask any specific questions you think of and can also email me at my thebugiq handle at ye olde gmail :)
Author showcase post is up :)
https://steemit.com/curation/@curie/curie-author-showcase-february-22nd-2018
YAY for this post being Curied!!!! So happy for you, @thebugiq. Thank you for recognizing such a soulful, meaningful contribution to Steemit, @carlgnash. Please pass my gratitude on to the rest of the Curie team. This one totally deserved it!
Thanks @katrina-ariel for all the support :D
Amazing talent, and congratulations on the curie upvote you deserve it for sure.
be well
@thebugiq
Thanks @krazypoet, a welcome surprise for sure. Much appreciation for stopping by! See you in the discords :D
I wasn't expecting to have these tears flowing! This describes exactly what I am experiencing now! Resteemed
This makes me sad.Hugs! Upvoted :)
Congrats on being curied
Powerful posting ❤️
Powerful strong and emotionally charged
This:
OMG. So meaningful. Keep singing! The bird's spirit lives on. ((hugs))
You're such a good, sensitive soul Katrina. As always, thank you so very much for stopping by. I don't know how you do it. I feel like an octopus playing wackamole and the game is the size of a football field here on steemit lol. God bless ya. Accidental yoga rocks!!
lol! It's true! There is so much to see! I miss tons of amazing content, but just try to do my best to connect with people and support as I can. Keep being you! You're really wonderful, my friend.
Cool! I follow you.
Awesome job! And congrats!