Nigeria Society: A call for help

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The Nigerian society is an utterly responsible one with a lot of incredibly responsible adults. How do I know this? There two ways by which I gained this knowledge. The first being in the classroom; my Civics teacher is always so particular about the roles children play in the task of nation building. In fact, the way she harped on and on about the importance children not pissing their parents off, one would be tempted to think that the only thing in the way of a developed Nigeria was the complete and total obedience of children. Needless to say, I believed this fully; pesky youths are always retarding national growth. The second way by which I gleaned this knowledge was by careful study. Except on the virgin infested reaches of the internet where upstanding and responsible Nigerian adults seldom lurk, I have never met a person, especially a Nigerian, seriously owning up to being irresponsible or anything but an upstanding member of the society. Perhaps, you’ll now ask me the age long question “why is the country so irresponsible then if everyone professes to be responsible adults”? I have only one answer for you and this answer is the closest you will get to a logical answer on this matter; “it is the Devil’s work” and that is all that shall be said about that. Seek more clarification from your pastor or spiritual coach (everyone has a contact in the matters of the spiritual and supernatural and if you don’t have, well, you aren’t Nigerian).

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I have a more pressing and technically more significant story to write about today. It is pressing because it is all I’ve been able to think about and it is significant because it happened to me in real life. I was robbed. It was a tiring and adrenaline filled affair with a lot of anguish and dread (not from me however, seeing as I was ultimately glad that such gentlemanly fellows visited my house at night). When incidents like this happen, it puts things into perspective. First of all it makes you realise how appropriately setup the nation’s security apparatus is. The security situation is so fantastic that the police force have found a radically progressive way to give power back to the people. This is by leaving them to guard their homes and properties with the use of vigilantes. This situation is doubly beneficial because apart from sustaining the peace, it also creates additional employment which is quite fantastic if you ask me. The people, particularly the people of my street, prior to the robbery, also found a way to give power back to their purses by deciding not to hire a vigilante because let us be honest, God is the only one capable of keeping us safe and we already pay offerings and sometimes tithe. That is also, in my terrifically informed opinion, sound logic. Why pay double money when you’ve already paid God to take care of you in church?
The thieves, young and passionate men who held, surprisingly enough, only knives, were incredibly kind and showed first class etiquette by not injuring anyone fatally. Now, the most important aspect of this story isn’t the robbery in particular but the total, complete and full determination and professionalism that the Police force showed. They showed up about an hour after the robbery (to be fair to them, they only arrived that late because the gigantically responsible people I live with were content to rant first and foremost about how despicable life was before phoning them) with about four officers. Three, if you chose not to count the fellow asleep with his magnificent mouth wide open at the back of the van. They asked like four thorough questions and commented loudly about very obvious facts. E.g “So thieves were here and they took out the burglary?”, “Wow these people tried. So they didn’t shoot anyone?”, “and they stole phones and laptops too? You people should be careful in this street o, all these bushes”, and “They have gone shey?”. Needless to say, they were quite helpful indeed. One of the responsible adults who own a house on my street, before the arrival of the police, had told us to keep the crime scene intact so when the police came they would be able to analyse and investigate the crime properly. The only things the police analysed when they came, however, were the ample bosoms of the curious women who came out of their homes to enquire about why everyone was outside at night. They spoke a little more after that and told us to report the case at the station the next morning. I personally felt much safer after that. After such tumultuous events, I had an unexpectedly blissful night rest. The next morning around nine, I went with my sister to report the case and we were informed that the case officer, as he was called, hadn’t yet resumed work and nothing could be done until he came. This obviously pissed off my sister in a great manner. She wasn’t aware of the impossibility of Nigerians, especially ones who worked in official capacity, to be irresponsible. I, on the other hand, was aware of this so I felt no anger whatsoever. It was only right that the case officer was present before we put our statement down. On our way home, my sister started saying such ignorant and unfounded nonsense that perhaps the police-woman, who was inhumanely tall by the way, wanted us to pay some kind of fee. I told her that that’s a lie. Policemen don’t collect bribe. Much like our President’s legacy, it’s a myth. She told me “ Elewa, you’re a simpleton, I’m an intellectual, go and play with sand” and being the good kid I am, I obeyed.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t angry. The reason is because I understand that all Nigerian adults are responsible individuals and the case officer must have had a particularly important reason not to be at the station at that particular time. Perhaps, his wife was in need of urgent sexual attention, perhaps a prostitute was In need of such attention, perhaps there was a lonely bottle of beer somewhere in need of drinking.
In essence, the aim of this essay is to prove that people are unnecessarily biased towards the Nigerian state. A while ago, the Nigerian police force was rated as the worst in the world by some pesky globalist focused organisation probably funded by the illuminati or some equally dark new world order racist secret cult. This essay clearly shows that the situation isn’t as dire as this globalist, illuminate-funded, APC-hating, racist, anti-black people think it is and if you disagree you need to have your head reexamined.

Thanks for going through, please your comment will be appreciated.
God bless my country Nigeria, Amen.