My Promo-Mentors Writing Challenge | Broken down and Build up |

I enjoy reading people's stories and inspiring testimonies. Then, I started to journey down every little moments in life, whether it's good or bad. I truly believe that every words carry power and weight. When I saw this challenge, I'm convicted to write about my past and hope this experience of mine could really bless someone, somewhere. :)

The title given is, "Write about an experience that changed you. When was it and what happened? What did you learn?"

Honestly, I really have no idea of how and where I should start from telling you. My relationship areas of my life in 2017 were pretty broken, messed up and complicated.

As you read, you’ll understand the whole story and the state of my being for such a time like this. This is my life story, a remarkable experience that I’ll remember as I look back this post.

Chapter 1 - Let the journey begin.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Have you ever fall in love with someone? When you thought love is like a fairy tale?

Have you tasted the sweetness of love? When you thought love is romeo-juliet?

The truth is, we are all well-known with the “tip of the iceberg” of what and how being in a relationship should be like. Perhaps we are highly influenced and being taught by movie of how relationships are. Not much of us are aware of how much it has and cost underneath the iceberg.

As time goes, what was once attractive, has become unattractive, once precious, became invaluable, once special, and became ordinary. Everything was being taken granted for. Arguments, fights, conflicts, disagreements, tensions start to hit in. All these are what tear the relationship down. It went down into pieces. The inevitable flaws somehow overshadow what was supposed to be viewed as beauty in overall.

Like every relationship out there, everything starts to fall apart the moment when you love because inevitably, expectations start coming in, emotions are confusing just as everything that was once a privilege becomes a need.

I remember every little detail, memories of him.

All started when we both were teased by taking a photo with a seal plush toy. Initially, I had to admit I wasn’t attracted to a guy like him, because he is a “banana” (English-speaking guy), and I used to be a part of a “cina beng” (Chinese-speaking girl). Sooner later, we worked in the same team and share the same passion, love God and people. Truly enough, this very same passion draws us both closer and we became best friend. Just like every couples out there, I fell in love with my best friend.

To that degree, I can say it’s the best feeling ever and you know, falling in love with your best friend is a good start of a relationship. This isn’t enough, I once wonder if he has the same feeling in return? As time goes by, he did. To fast forward, we both got together after SPM. He confessed to me through a phone call, everything escalated and we both have the sweetest time of all.

It was a honeymoon phase of relationship that we shared.

At the same time, we both entered into our college life. Although we were both different school, but we were at the same place and staying under the same roof. Not to be confused, there were actually other friends too. All of us came from different background, different ages and walks of life. However, we believe in doing life together for any given time and opportunity like this.

Anyways, back to my point, that was the moment where things started to change, not going uphill, but reversing downhill. I once thought it was good as we learned to live compromising as we wrestle through our different rhythm of lifestyles. But as soon as I realized, my immature-ness inside of me couldn’t solve anything, but creating more problems, stress and frustrations in this relationship. Relationship that supposed to be healthy has become unhealthy for us both. Yet, he never gives up but continue to bear and believe. I finally realized that being in a relationship, it isn’t much about discovering your partners more, it is discovering myself. I learned myself the most, why I think, feel and act in certain ways. Moving on, I graduated from college.

2017, here it comes for another new chapter of my life.

Time flies real fast, it feels like I just graduated from high school. However, I’m actually stepping into my tertiary study as I have always dream and look forward about. I settled with Physiotherapy course. I faced tremendous challenges, hardships, difficulties in this transition. It’s my first time really stepping out of my comfort zone, all alone in exploration to a whole new environment. I didn’t have such pressure compare to last time, this was because I wasn’t all alone back then, I had friends. And this is where my relationship falls apart too. I got so frustrated, emotional, depressed, hot-tempered and angered as I was consumed with irrational, illogical and unreasonable thinking and behavior.

Because of that, we got into ridiculous fights, arguments, disagreements and countless conflicts.

He was someone who loved me patiently, care for me selflessly yet I treated him as punching bag. I failed to realize how good he was, and that he has tried his best in keeping this relationship time after time. He did. On the other hand, I was the one who failed to see that this bond is way more important than any disagreement, confrontation or misunderstandings.

Things got worst. He tried to skip the thought, look through the problems we had. But I was too stubborn and ignorant that I kept on provoke him into this matter. We look perfectly fine from the outside, we acted like sweet, lovey-dovey couple. The truth is, we were both dying inside. Perhaps, it became draining and dreadful that we both chose to ignore things. The moment one party decides to stop trying, the relationship just got deteriorate and that’s how breakup comes in.

In the end, he called things off and just like that, it has become a full stop for this relationship.

It was real painful, it came to a point I couldn’t sleep, loss of appetite, feel like vomiting after a meal. It’s really difficult than sitting for exams. You can’t help but to find yourself feeding this emotion that is super torturing and tormenting. I won’t deny there are days when I wake up, I felt so empty and it’s just inexpressible, unexplainable “suckish” state to be in.

Part 2 - Broken down and Build up.

It’s kind of sad to see what used to be heart-fluttered messages for the both us have now turn into nothing but daily routine questions. Like, "have you eaten? why have you not call me? where are you?” Sometimes, we ran out of words because we saw each other every single day and what used to be exciting have become a norm.

We simply got comfortable with each other’s presence, I’m used to his presence. My whole life somehow revolves around him. Yet, it's true that being with him was one of the best things that happened in my life.

Time has passed, it’s a lie if I have fully recover, I’m still barely surviving, and turning this hurts into a scar. Scar reminds me of where I’ve been, and what I’ve seen through, and how strong I am doing. Therefore, I should keep on moving, no matter what happens.

What I’ve learned from this relationship:

1. Attitude/characters of a person determine the health of the relationship. It has nothing to do with personalities. For once I blamed on personalities, but as soon I realized it’s the character and behavior of a person decides to show himself/herself. For my case, we both have the opposite personalities. But personalities are not what got us into unworthy fights, but behaviors did. In fact, I fell in love because of his total different personalities from me. I mean, I would not want to find another half who has the same exact personalities as me. It will be a disaster. "Opposite attracts" - well said. Yet, “Opposite attacks too.” Some people are introvert, but they can be as sociable when they choose to. It’s a matter of choice. I found myself abusing every chance I had, I made too much silly choices and little did I know it affects others more than I realized.

2. Words carry weight. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who loves it will eats its fruit.”- Proverbs 18:21
   Ladies are natural-talker. We’re given this verbal skill which is a gift from God. I’m no joke here but it’s psychological proven. We’re called to give words of life, words of encouragement, words of praise, words that will build people as a whole. However, I found myself abusing this gift by turning into complaining, scolding and picking more verbal fights. Although hurtful words can’t harm you physically, but it can traumatize someone emotionally. I’m a super reactive person. Being reactive will not help you win a conflict or relationship. However, I learned to be responsive towards a situation instead of being reactive. Bible said, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." - James 1:19. I won’t deny but to admit there's actually twice I kept blurting out with “breakup” over little fights. I’m not even serious about it for that two times. “Breakup” is a legit taboo in a relationship. Never say something for fun or just out of spite.

3. I’m a control-freak. Don't be one. I learned that he is not my everything. Sometimes things are just beyond the point we could control. The things could have been, or it should be, it would have been. There’s no point for us to continuously stress, control or take charge of it. “Accept what you can’t change or change what you can’t accept.” I learned to face the fact, accept this. Hence, go from here by start working on my personal character. I would not want to stay stuck and dwell in previous mistakes, not being able to see the better plans which God has prepared for me in future right? Would I really want to get into another relationship, and end up not working out because of these same old reasons again? That will be a pity to know.

I know this relationship is an unfortunate, especially to how it ended. Nevertheless, I know there’s this little part of me that I’m thankful for this situation, don’t get me wrong, pain is real, and emotions are there. I just somehow learned to love myself, discover myself more and work on my own characters before I can learn to love my future partner.

In a relationship, the greatest part is when we learn to give, especially in giving something we want.

So, where to go from here?

I learned to love myself, appreciate single and grow closer and stronger with God. I’m in progress of it. Every person takes different method to get over with this difficult season, there isn’t any specific or best way to do it, I’m no exception in this. Some just get busy, some take more time to contemplate on life, some develop new hobbies, and many more you could think of. As for me, I won’t lie to say I’m lazy and just don’t feel like doing anything about it. I know I cannot continue live like this, I forced myself to start writing. Writing words of encouragements and wisdom. Words of comfort and uplifting. It all happened because I saw this small pocket booklet at this Japanese convenient store, YUBISO selling for RM5. I thought this can become a source of encouragement which I can read when I’m discouraged, distressed or down.

It’s a way to pick myself up. When I don’t know what life has done to me, I just write words that will give life. Never hoping what life can bring about, instead I’ll make a life by writing. Write a life out of it.

I’m grateful for this past relationship. Up till the decision of parting ways, I sincerely know he did this because he knew it was the best for both us to grow healthily and towards Christ-likeness. More than the pain, I hope he knows that he is really someone whom I respected a lot, love and valued.

He helped me grow to become a better person. He was always there as my pillar of support and strength. He guided me through my difficulties and circumstances. I wanted to say thanks for being that person who has taught me such a valuable life lesson.

Thanks for having me to be part of your life even if it was for short 2 years in being together and discovering God. I never regret any of those.

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