I'm FINE...

How many times have you asked someone how they are and they reply with, “I’m fine.” This is a pretty normal response but I hate it! What does it mean? I would much rather hear someone tell me they are sad, sick, happy, tired, lonely… etc. What makes me even more upset is that somewhere along the line we moved from genuinely enquiring about how someone is versus it becoming a run of the mill question. A question that most people don’t particularly care much for an honest answer. Why? They couldn’t really be bothered about how you really are.

My sister is a recovering addict and has been sober for many years. Many years ago she went to rehab and one of the things that she brought back from the experience was the following definition for FINE:

Fucking Incapable of Normal Emotions

The reasoning behind it is that, as the majority of addicts have a tendency to turn to self-medication to resolve their feelings, the counselors used this to teach them to learn how to properly express how they were actually feeling. This definition has stayed with me since I heard it and to this day if my sister says she’s ‘fine’ to me then I turn around and remind her. She does the same for me and that’s how we remind ourselves to express ourselves properly.

According to urbandictonary.com it means:

Something you say to someone when you are not, in fact, fine at all, but you don't want to worry them.

If I could expand on that definition a bit, I would add that you don’t feel that you are worthy of their love and support and don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. You believe that how you feel will only result in them judging you in some way and you’re probably thinking something like, “it’s all in my head anyway.” You need to stop that hurtful internal dialogue.

I find it very sad that so many people still turn to this phrase as a way to hide how they are actually feeling. As a way to hide how hurt you just made them, or how sad they feel today. Look, I’m not innocent of this myself. Sometimes it’s just easier to say that than to actually express myself. The bottom line will always be that if that person cares about you at all they will care about how you are feeling. Can you imagine how different the world would be if more people were a bit more sensitive to that phrase? When I hear my sister say it I push her a little harder to make sure everything is in fact ‘fine’.

Okay, so what about strangers?

This doesn’t really apply here as I doubt anyone that you hardly know will feel comfortable expressing themselves so openly with you anyway. They will also probably not be interested in hearing it from you either. This generally applies to people you say you care about. People whose emotional state should mean something to you. I’m quite a chatter box myself but I wouldn’t exactly sit down at my bosses table and reply with, “I’m feeling a bit off today. I didn’t sleep well so now everything is making me more upset than normal.” The mental picture I just got in my head was hilarious. I can just see his face. You know that look people get when they think you’ve gone mad? It might have shocked him enough to send me home but it wouldn’t have worked every time. Plus, he’s paying me to do a job. My emotional state of mind is not really on his list of top priorities. It’s sad but it’s the truth when you are paid to do something for someone else.

The main point I’m trying to get across here is that we need to learn to care more about each other. We shouldn’t just accept that our sister, mother, spouse, child or friend is fine when they tell us they are. I’m sure that phrase is one of the most common lies that people tell every day. I just can’t accept that it should be the norm when how you truly feel should be a priority to someone who you care about and who says they care about you.

I have been fortunate in that I have a group of truly amazing friends and family that truly give a dam. We are open and honest with each other and it makes the world of difference. A few months ago I went to visit one such friend for a get together. She opened the door, hugged me hello and then proceeded to exclaim that she needs to find her B12 because she feels so freaking anxious today. We both just looked at each other and laughed. I helped her find it and we both poured ourselves a glass of wine. It’s friends like these that make all difference when you use the word ‘fine’. They do that scrunched up eye thing when you say it.

In closing I would like to share the below quote.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” - Bernard M. Baruch

Who knows, maybe if more of us are made aware of this phrase and what is truly hidden behind it, we might be able to really make a difference in someone else’s lives.

Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😊
Photo was taken by me 😊, with my Samsung Galaxy S8.

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