Choosing to Own My Story While in a PTSD Trigger (You Can Too!)
This morning was a minefield. I've shared that I grew up in a violent situation. Through therapy, meditation, dietary precautions, writing and medication I have been successfully managing PTSD, anxiety and depression for several months now. However, the work I do does not prevent me from experiencing trigger.
While dressing and feeding my youngest, she had an unusually belligerent tantrum. She is only 5, in the throes of self-definition as an autonomous being but acutely aware of the rules and how much she needs Mommy and Daddy. She wanted a lollipop to take to school. That is against school rules. She knows this, but she hates the rule so she fought and fought and fought, her frustration turning into fists and shoves on my body.
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My daughter is an adorable, fierce little woman. I am proud of her strength. But for whatever reason, my mind wasn't able to recall that her actions were not a threat to me. Instead, I felt myself go numb, tingling overcame my brain and I had to make a dash for my anxiety medication to stay on top of the trigger.
You either know what this is like or you don't. Anxiety hijacks your body. You become lost in it, in memories, in stories spun out of fear. Your muscles might seize, your body might shake. In my case, my daughter is well off to school with her dad but I am still fighting to stay awake. My fight or flight kicks in by putting me to sleep in highly stressful situations. It is a learned behavior stemming from abuse that ebbed when I was quiet, silent, invisible.
It is unfortunate. I want to stay present for my children. Right now I'm hanging on my the skin of my teeth to write through this. I need to reframe my response to my daughter's tantrum so my brain takes away a positive instead of staying in this trigger. The first bit of reframing is easy:
My daughter is not my abuser.
She is a five year old firecracker who is whip smart and sugar-addled. This behavior is the direct result of a sugar binge earlier this week. It is expected. It is why we do not keep sugary treats in the house. It will pass.
But there is more to reframe because my whole body is engaged in a fight right now. It wants to sleep to turn off the world.
I do not need to sleep. I am safe where I am right now.
I do not need to be quiet.
I do not need to hide. There is no threat against me.
These truths are admittedly harder to accept. In writing them out, I am feeling better in my core. My eyes are still drooping so I know there is more to do.
I am strong.
I am powerful.
I know this because I did not strike back at my child. I remembered that she is a child. I did not slide into a visual flashback of abuse even if I'm wrapped in a somatic (physical) flashback. This is a success. I straddled the mental planes and did stay present and keep my child safe even while her behavior felt unsafe to me.
Parenting after abuse is tricky. Your baseline set of responses is often determined by the nurture aspect of your upbringing. Mine was physically and emotionally violent. Here is my ultimate takeaway:
I am not passing on the pain I received. I choose not to parent from fear.
I am deeply grateful my partner was here during this episode. But if he hadn't been, I know I still would have been okay. My kids would have been late for school, but they would have arrived safely after I took a break in my closet to reset.
I know how to take care of myself.
I ask for help when I need it.
My body is still trying to force me into sleep. This is okay. I have some time to rest prior to my class at the gym. This is part of taking care of me.
How do you practice self-care during triggers?
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Focus on how good it feels to succeed despite the pain and fear and anxiety. You did well. We can not help the things that trigger us... that is implied in the name. Others will not understand, because they don't have the same responses to the same things. That's okay... we don't need them to understand. They just need to learn to back off and shut up. The abuse and pain you have endured is like one of those terrible knots where you're tempted to just throw the rope away... and some do... succumbing to the darkness. I don't blame them. I've come close to throwing myself away many times. But today, you picked at the knot, and loosened it a little. The knot probably still has many tangles, and some will likely be tighter than today's, but you still have the rope, and it is a step closer to being fully useful again. In the meantime you focus on the part of the rope that is still free of kinks and knots and frayed spots. It is enough. Your writing seems to be such an excellent tool to acknowledge and address the things you feel, and your skill reveals that you are thinking and analyzing and dissecting the problems, not merely taking notes... although sometimes notes are the best we can do. Your rope is sufficient to be half of a swing for your kids, or for them to hold onto to keep them close when danger is near... like climbers assaulting a peak. In time, your rope will lengthen as each tangle is painstakingly picked free, and will be suitable to more uses... pulling someone out of a hole they've fallen into or securing larger objects in your life. I'm so sorry you endured this, but these things are not only inevitable, but valuable to your continued healing and survival. We find we either hang onto our rope or hang by it. I'm so glad you're hanging on. Well played my friend. Your okayest was really good today.
Pardon me while I cry. This should be a on a t-shirt or mug or something:
.The abuse and pain you have endured is like one of those terrible knots where you're tempted to just throw the rope away... and some do... succumbing to the darkness. I don't blame them. I've come close to throwing myself away many times.
I am glad you did your okayest in those moments, and that it was enough to not throw the rope away. One day at a time. Just trying to make the next right choice.
You're always too kind. I've found that my life has some boomerang qualities. The times I've tested the waters of throwing one's life away...it came back. It just wasn't the answer.
I like your rope analogy, with your permission I will share that with others
You absolutely have permission. Thank you for your kindness.
Very nice
Thank you.
Quite thoughtful
I love it. Steemit.com/@lanrypat12 you may follow back
Thank you.
That sounds incredibly hard. And it sounds like you dealt with it magnificently. That is, to me, impressive af.
I one million percent appreciate this. Validation is everything when shit goes wonky.
Good for you, isolating, identifying , and dissipating your trigger. I usually try for deep breaths, relaxing my body part by part, and moving THROUGH the event by focusing on my "reward" at the end, which, come to think of, might be slightly unhealthy in some ways. In any case, thank you for sharing this.
I think a reward at the end is a good way to transform the experience from negative into positive. I generally embrace pain to dissipate it. I like what you're saying about moving through it. This caught me so off guard... I am going to keep that in mind because if I'd taken a breath I think I might have steadied some. And if I knew I'd get a spoon of peanut butter. . .
💗
Quite helpful..great advice too.
Thank you. I appreciate this.
Oh man, I remember those years. Each time one of my daughters hit an age of significant abuse from my own childhood/memories, I had more issues than normal dealing with it. I didn't even realize it at the time, it was never until after it had passed that I realized what had been the major trigger for me that made me super vulnerable. The worst was when all three daughters hit a significant age that resonated with my own childhood abuse... at the same time we lost our house and had to move back out to the country, a place that looked and FELT just like where I had grown up. It was very very hard to stay in the present, and I can't say that I always handled things correctly, but I did as well as I could and was VERY fortunate that my husband knew when I needed him to take over so I could go regroup.
You are doing such amazing things as a mom. Being so aware of yourself and your needs for getting through things like this, caring for yourself whilst at the same time being sure to care for your daughter and make sure that you are parenting her from a safe place. I love reading about your journey and I'm here, mostly from the other side of it cheering you on. Your strength is amazing, your self awareness will be one of your best healing tools... and your child will grow up feeling safe and loved.