Shame and disordered eating
I shared a couple days ago that I am shifting from a ketogenic diet to one that includes more carbs. I’m doing this for many reasons, but mostly for variety. Honestly, I want to eat with my family. And I’m working with Katie at Kind Fitness Co. despite many other options because it’s safe for me to share with her any struggles I might have with disordered eating. I specifically didn’t go with another group because when I mentioned I sometimes have trouble eating at all, they looked at me sideways and said, “Just eat. Food is fuel.”
Me feeling the pain at the gym this morning as I rolled out sore muscles.
When I shared with Katie that I have periodic relapses of anorexia, she said, “We need to be kind to ourselves,” and basically hugged me with her eyes in a somehow non-intrusive way. I could tell she understood, at least enough to not judge me if anxiety hijacked my body and wired my mouth shut. I’m guessing her approach would be one-on-one coaching to set small but increasing food goals that maximize nutrition. For the record, that is the correct response.
Well, I’m three days in and already had my first struggle. I wouldn’t say I’ve vilified carbs, but most sources of them leave me feeling wrecked. My new plan basically switches my intake of carbs and fats. I think this will help me in the gym after a week or two hitting my numbers. Right now I am tapering down fats and up carbs while staying in my calorie zone and searching for the perfect protein powder. There’s basically zero chance I’ll eat enough lean meats in a day to meet my target, and since I can’t consume soy, gluten and dairy, I’m at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to alternate sources.
Here’s where I am today:
This is far better than yesterday. My body is extra sore due to re-adapting to carbs. I need lots of extra liquids, and I feel bloated, but my muscles will eventually uncramp as they did when I moved into ketosis. As long as the ADHD stays at bay (and I think it will because I’m staying off sugar), this is already a good plan for me.
But there is shame. Again, I didn’t vilify carbs, but eating disorders are about having extreme control over your body because the rest of your life feels out of control. Because starchy foods are unhappy foods for my brain, they contribute to overall anxiety. Which means I really have to proceed with caution to not trigger another relapse.
This shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it is. I feel afraid and ashamed. In fact, I’m staring at a piece of toast right now wondering if I’m ready. It feels like a rabbit hole. The toast in no way looks or smells appetizing, but it will help me reach my carb goals. I think today is.not the day.
Despite that embarking on a ketogenic diet ultimately got me eating and healthy, it was extremely controlled. Now I have many more options and some of that control is fortfeit. But variety means opportunity. I took advantage of that tonight by making a Lebanese dish I’ve been missing; beid ou banadoura (eggs and tomatoes). I’ve also been missing the Lebanese bit of my culture, so easing back into carbs via favored flavors of my childhood seems right.
A takeaway for you: If you deal with disordered eating, knowing you deserve to eat, deserve to enjoy food or even deserve to be nourished by a certain type of food is hard work. Teaming up with a compassionate nutrition coach may be your ticket to success, but first you need to be on a team with yourself. This means setting aside judgement and a bit of control. You’re worth it.
You sharing this is helping so many people that struggle with similar issues, thank you. And I hope the embarrassment, guilt and shame flees because we don’t want you to feel those feelings. You are strong, you have reached out and found a good coach, and you’re using your struggle to help others—more than you know. Thank you!
Thank you @coachjj. I was told I get 20 carbs and 20 g protein after high intensity metcons. I programmed one for myself today after my class workout so I would have a reason to eat a sandwich. It felt really, really weird and the bread feels like it's stuck in my throat. I can tell this is going to be challenging, but I do have the right coach and I feel like I'm on the right track. :)
The right coach and the right mindset are priceless, as you already know :) I hope you'll keep us updated on your experiences with the program.
I definitely will. It's a way to hold myself accountable for eating.
Its wierd that it feels embarasing.😏
But what would you call a disordered eating??
Cos i basically eat anything i see 😑😂
Ha! Disordered eating for me is starving myself by either reducing the number of calories I eat to around 200-300 per day. (The recommendation is about 2,000 for a person my size) or increasing my exercise so that, even though I'm eating, I'm still not being nourished. It can also look like bingeing (eating everything in sight in an out of control way OR a very controlled way despite not being hungry), vomiting up what you have eaten to control weight, or eating only certain types or qualities of food.
I know you were joking a bit, but this is a really good question and I'm glad you asked!
Wow, your reply is very enlightening. And certainly i do not eat everything 😂. But i do love beans and i eat them alot
When it is an eating disorder, the vomiting (or purging) is done on purpose to prevent the body from digesting the food eaten. A person may do this after eating very little, or after eating a lot. Some people actually only chew food and then spit it out to prevent their bodies from keeping the calories. It’s often shame-driven, meaning that the person purging might believe they don’t deserve food.
Of course, our body does protect us by naturally expelling toxic foods, but that is something we generally do not have control over.
Thank you for another great question!
Wow, thank you so much for your replies and time ma'am shawnamawna, i really learnt alot😄
We all have struggles. I hope you do well with yours.
How well do you do with rice? What about flat bread? Maybe you could wraps of various types to slowly move you into more carbs. You can easily make black bean burgers with rice. There are a ton of recipes for them. You can also put rice and beans with all sorts of different flavors and spices in wraps.
Good luck. <3
I have been okay with white rice and quinoa. Other grains have not gone over well. I am allergic to gluten, so that's a piece of it. Corn, soy and most legumes are also a no go because they fog up my brain among other reasons. I tried to eat more bread today, but it just feels stuck in my throat. I think because it's a gluten free blend, it probably has one or more grains I just can't tolerate. Feeling a bit bummed by this because it's the first day I've come close to hitting my carb goal, but you're right that rice is easy to work into things. I'll make some ahead so I have an easy carb source. That and some bananas. :)
Bread is likely too large of a steep to take right away. Don't push yourself so hard you get discouraged.
What legumes do you have trouble with other than soy? Soy is a pretty common one that many have found out they have trouble with recently.
With legumes, everything but peanuts. I can eat green beans, although they are a pod. I think that just rice is probably plenty right now. I still feel like I’m choking from the bread I ate earlier.
That...really sucks. I don't envy you. I love beans of all types.
I hope you can overcome this problem and find a diet that you can settle into easily.
This post has received a 0.20 % upvote from @drotto thanks to: @banjo.
I understand this journey of yours, and the pain it brings more than I can say. I have had a love hate relationship with food since I can remember. Probably due to emotional issues causing physical tightness and internal dysfunction, my body seems to reject food more than it accepts it. As a result I am chronically underweight. But I don't reject food, more like it rejects me (again I put this down to emotional issues).
I have been called anorexic, or told all I need to do is eat more. I often scoff when I read people talking about body shaming in a broad sweeping manner, and think if only they knew how much more nuanced it is than that.
I have looked into many of these dietary concepts. I think if it helps a person physically, and emotionally, then it has validity. But I get the issue of wanting to be able to eat socially. That has played a role for me also. We are social creatures.
Thanks for sharing this, and I wish you every success dealing with this issue.
I have come back to this comment probably six times. The reason is that this share is very, very meaningful for me. Being able to relate to others when it comes to the ups and downs of disordered eating is enormously powerful.
The emotional aspect of not being able to hold onto food--I get that. There is a tight relationship between body and mind. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? That may be of use to you.
I have a whole disjointed history with food, and probably summed it up by saying 'I have a love hate relationship' with food. It's tricky. The biggest issue is always having people just assume i don't eat. Which is the reverse assumption to just thinking large people just eat too much. Without knowing the person how can make that call? I see doctors regularly for serious health issues, and even they tell me I need to eat more. I wish it were that simple.
But these are some of the things that have taught me that perhaps some issues just aren't solvable so easily. Like following a roadmap. It feels like new territory, trying to understand and heal the emotional issues behind these body problems.
Thank you for the book suggestion, I have heard of it, but never read it. But I will read it now. And thank you also for your extremely generous contest prize. I didn't know that was still running, so yes it did come as a surprise. And made my day, so again thank you.
I appreciate your honesty in your posts. Some people don't understand the need to share and help like this, but for those of us that do, it's good to a part of your online community.
My experience has been that this is true. A coach (with anything) helps a lot, but if you're not really committed or willing, it never goes well. And no coach wants to drag you along! @ironshield
Absolutely!
It's great that you are sharing your struggles with us, I think that will help you down the road. It's always hard to find a balance with food and nutrition. As I've gotten older I have really noticed the importance of a healthy diet, or the consequences of not eating healthy. Keep on giving it your best
Thank you. The consequences have definitely become more pronounced in the last few years, especially because I have invested so much into my physical fitness. I used to work out to eat (part of the disorder) and now I eat to work out. That alone is enormous growth and is a great help when it comes to making better choices.
Hooray! I'm so excited to be included. :) @steemrepair is the best.
I've had a long term metabolic illness (20+ years now) that prevents me from eating any, and I mean ANY, simple carbohydrates. I live on protein and complex carbs like almonds and broccoli or green beans. Oh my, what I'd give for a piece of pie or a bowl of ice cream. Oh, well. I usually have no problem being a good boy. I do however appreciate what you are going through, not because I too have an eating disorder, but because I've had other challenges of equal magnitude that make one more compassionate and caring of others who, too, suffer. I have found, as no doubt you have too, that from these types of burdens one does find many unexpected blessings. The challenges open us to change, to growth, to realms of the heart we otherwise would not have known. So blessings on your head, and heart. May you be well. And of course thanks, for the thought provoking post. Perhaps, if you have not done so already, you could post more information on eating disorders. I think people would like to know.