Unsolicited eye contact from work colleagues is a terrible problem. Imagine the horror of being looked at for long periods. Hence new rules MUST be enacted to stop these relentless micro aggressions...

Directed eyeball rape (DER) is a chief concern amongst the left. How dare men think they should be allowed to gaze upon the faces of the opposite sex and still keep their jobs.

In other news, women are finding it increasing difficult to get married and have children. No one knows why...