'Normalising' Discussion Of The Experience Of Child Sexual Abuse & "A Layman's Guide To Loving A Survivor Of CSA" (link to doc)

I approach this post in humility. It references a subject that I believe to lie somewhere around the core wound of collective humanity. I come at you with this post respectfully and with folded hands, but my feet are firmly planted on the ground, barefoot! Rather than crypto-vote the author, I would prefer you, the reader, to attentively consider the content at a personal level. Raising consciousness around this issue is the 'reward', if such it may be called! I request leniency with any assumptions I may make, any generalisations. I direct your focus and attention to the issue at hand as it may touch you. I dedicate this post to AAKS, today 7 October, with love.

Thanks for stopping by 🔆 .





One of the major 'issues' around Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) is SILENCE. There is little 'neutral' and 'balanced' discussion of this issue that makes it out into the wider public domain. 'Inside' the mind of the adult survivor of CSA, a 'neutral and balanced' view of their experiences is difficult and unlikely without knowledgeable and genuine support. The process is a long one of beginning to talk, to reach inside and view, accept, grieve and, eventually, heal. << One never gets 'over' it >>. Most expression around CSA and Pedophilia is not neutral but sensationalist; it is the emotion that gets the attention - the outrage, the hurt, the fear, sentimentality and the misleading 'stranger-danger' stuff. All this deflects from how much closer to home it may be. It also, brutally, denies the Survivor any possibility of bullshit-free directness, of disentangling chaotic feelings and grasping one's own experience without the hype. It steals the narrative away into la-la land and amplifies the awkwardness of using anything but clichés with which to 'discuss' the phenomenon!

Is it then possible to talk about one's personal experiences of CSA 'normally' - where 'normalcy' might imply a non-judgemental acceptance of the fact (unalterable), putting the extraneous and distractingly non-relevant sentimentality aside? Is it possible that beginning to talk about it 'normally' may assist in lifting the shroud of darkness and despair that cloaks each being that has experienced CSA first hand? Fear of not being believed, of further hurt, humiliation and rejection. Normal, non-sensationalist discussion (talk therapy, where Trust and Support are present) can de-normalise the actions and behaviours that underlie the abuse and perpetuate it and bring about end to the awful, ringing SILENCE that keeps people locked up in dark habitual spaces of pain and ignorance.

I would like this post to challenge the silence, to push against the awkwardness and all the other umbrella emotional reactions of negativity surrounding the experience of being sexually abused as a child. This is not about blame or revenge - that route leads nowhere! CSA is a sensitive issue that triggers at many levels and on both sides of the dividing line ('victim' - 'victimiser'), with many folk on both sides of this line to a greater or lesser extent.



Many of us _{(think? we)} have not experienced sexual abuse as children - as I don't think I have, or else I cannot recall beyond a couple of incidents of humiliation at school (although there is one fleeting incident when I was 6 which I have not processed!!). There will almost certainly be experiences of other forms of abuse - emotional, physical, psychological etc. Sexual abuse it seems, comes about in situations where other abuse is also prevalent - it has compound effects. Seemingly 'little' incidents can have extreme outcomes regarding the child's sense of self, of love etc - a single touch in the genital area by a trusted adult, for example, can utterly shatter a child's sense of trust and twist their experience of Love (my 6-year old experience was not with a trusted adult). There is tremendous power in the child's ability to cope with trauma by splitting, compartmentalising and suppressing experiences which are impossible to process with the mental tools at their current disposal. This coping is to turn off feeling as a way of surviving, which has an impact on other aspects of personality, perhaps even creating (semi) independent psychological 'sub-entities' as a way of protection. This kaleidoscopic fragmentation only gets deeper, more embedded as the child grows into adulthood and the trauma is not addressed, repeating (internally and externally) the patterns of abuse and adding further layers to them.

The dymanics of CSA take place at the sub-conscious level. Accessing one's experiences of CSA as a conscious effort of will is the tried and tested route to healing and release. This requires the experiences to be brought to the surface, and this is most directly done through 'talking'; the courageous decision to face, rather than run away from the issue(s). However, the 'threat' of having to acknowledge one's abuse, even from afar as a mere hint on the horizon, can potentially be a trigger and lead to deflection and avoidance with a Dark Passion. For the partner of a survivor, this can be an experience of frustration which pushes them away in confusion, anger and despair. It is not simple, and rarely do folk realise what is going on, let alone know what to do about it.

Adults who have experienced CSA are sometimes known as 'Survivors'. As the effects of CSA are fundamental yet nebulous, the trauma plays out in the background and has a profound effect on relationships through life, most especially when they are intimate, close. Partners of 'Survivors' are sometimes known as 'Secondary Survivors' because they effectively bear the brunt of the 'secondary' acting out of the energies of trauma and pain that lie buried layers deep, but which emerge under the pressure of intense relationship dynamics. Many Survivors remain in denial about the abuse and therefore might not label themselves as such.

Being in a relationship with a survivor can often feel like you're walking through a minefield in the dark on stilts. You can say one thing on Monday and get a laugh and say the same thing on Tuesday (or even later in the day on Monday) and you'll get your head handed to you on a silver platter.
_{*A Layman's Guide: 'Common Mistakes'}

Therefore, regardless of particular experience, let us consider the following:

• there can be no doubt about the pernicious and life-long effects of CSA. The document I am linking expands on this, facilitating a clear and conscious awareness of the dynamics and mechanics of how this plays out. One does not 'get over' it because it happened a 'long time ago'!
• child 'victims' may (and often do) themselves go on to become adult 'victimisers', in part at least due to the 'normalisation' of sexual attraction for those of, or around, the age that they were when they themselves were abused, and especially if the abuse involved other children as well. The documentary 'Are All Men Pedophiles?' makes this interesting and intuitive connection: the age-groups we are sexually attracted to are added to throughout life, and start with the age-groups we were attracted to when we first started to experience 'sexuality' towards others, it doesn't go away. There is room for compassion.
• it is a mistake to imagine that there is no associated sense of pleasure with sexual abuse in the mind of the adult Survivor. For an 'unloved' child, the abuse may be connected with notions of 'pleasing' and 'acceptance', not to mention 'love' and 'affection' - this is a form of 'pleasure', and is often the child's craving for genuine TLC that gets taken advantage of. Such are the mechanisms of CSA, it does not have to be as simply dramatic as forced rape! This duality of co-existing senses of 'pain and pleasure' compounds the feelings of pain vs guilt vs trauma vs shame and spirals around at many levels.
• it is worth bearing in mind that if one takes on the dual perception of 'victim' vs 'victimiser', then, where the adult victimiser was abused as a child, that role of 'victim' came before and heavily influenced, the role as 'victimiser'. Without empathy, the issue falls right back into emotional reactivity, evasion, distraction and sensationalist pedo-hunts. Besides, there is much negative energy that is imbibed by (especially, but not exclusively) men and boys in society, which they must (IMO) deal with in order to be able to honestly tackle this issue with a partner. This may involve a (non-judgemental yet honest) acknowledgement (even if just to self) of the potential for (or actual instances of) abuse, which one fears may yet emerge - and it might, until is it acknowledged and thus also potentially, diffused. It is admittedly difficult to discuss a partner's experience of sexual abuse when there are feelings of guilt about oneself in this regard!
• the following may be relevant as an analogy regarding the phenomenon of sensationalist 'pedo-hunts': during the Nazi witch-hunts in the run up to WWII, some of the first people to throw stones at Jewish or 'Communist' shop windows, or be the first member of a mob to physically attack minorities, were those who were themselves afraid of being accused of the same. They felt they had something to hide. This 'something to hide' may have been a relatively minor thing, like a distant relative or former friend belonging to the target group, or it may have contained more substance to it. Fact of the matter is that the action was intended to divert attention away from self. Much of the hysteria around CSA today seems to have this quality of deflection, such that the core (whatever that may be) is left hidden, and more confusion and obfuscation added to the infernal mix. I wonder how many kids have tried to tell an adult family member about their abuse only to be discouraged, perhaps even told to shut up? A twisted notion of Family Honour has cetainly served Predatory Energies long and well.
• it is impossible to count how many people across the globe are affected by CSA. In the 'developed' world "it is conservatively believed that in today's society 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys WILL BE sexually molested before they are 18 years old. Given the widespread phenomenon of CSA across the globe and across all forms of human groupings, it is likely to be the case that the majority (>50% - 75%? more?) of human beings will be directly or indirectly affected by CSA as primary or secondary Survivors! One could even say that a direct or indirect experience of Child Sexual Abuse is actually the norm. Looking around one sees the majority of humans to be expressing pain, acting out at many levels. It is possible that this is a result of early trauma and abuse of one form or another. But how much is it being addressed? And of the attention given to it, how much is in neutral, balanced tones of 'normalcy', such that an opportunity to heal be provided to the countless beings on the planet who need supportive TLC rather than scaremongering campaigns and expressions of howling, personal rage and despair? Is it about healing or is it about vengeance? The latter never leads to the former, and the former renders the latter irrelevant and undesirable.
• people who have experienced Child Sexual Abuse also have partners and spouses, siblings, children, close friends - any one of us is very likely to be - as I am and have been- one of them! Silence and suppression, guilt, shame - these can be acknowledged without judgement. After all, self judgement is a big part of what the old shit is about isn't it?
  

As a partner of a Survivor, it is possible (likely) to feel that one's emotional needs are not being met, or even that one is on the receiving end of emotional abuse. This is true as long as there is little recognition of the bigger picture of how the abuse - the CSA entity, has a controlling role in the relationship, even a dominating presence! A caring partner may suppress their own needs in favour of the 'far greater' perceived needs of the Survivor, but this ends up being counter-productive and dishonest, it serves the entity and allows the patterns to continue. A great start towards meeting needs is to become aware of what they are and set healthy boundaries, such that there is the possibility of both sets being met. 'Pity' is not, nor ever was, the answer. To see her/his pain, you also need to have seen and acknowledged your own! Avoidance is painful and leads to further pain. Facing is painful, but leads to healing.

I have not touched on the wider phenomenon of Child Sexual Abuse, the ritualistic aspect, the power aspect, the manner in which the Dark Energies can be traced up the ladder, through the minions, and into the Overlords. There's plenty of stuff to be found online and people are waking up to it. These 'Lords' are over, flapping in distress and desperation and no longer to be feared. THE WORST IS ALREADY OVER. Nor are complicit, corrupt or toothless 'authorities' to be looked to for solutions, they too have had their time. It is only up to us, the beings inside the cage, to be individually pro-active in taking back Power through self-empowerment, thereby dissolving the structure itself.

I offer you "A Layman's Guide To Loving A Survivor Of Child Sexual Abuse". Whatever your experiences yourself, and your awareness (or not) of them, you may or may not have awareness of what those around you, close to you, have experienced in their childhood! This document is an eye-opener a potential relationship-revolution, the insights gained may be of tremendous assistance in lifting veils and (some of) the heaviness that form the background chaos of a life lived under the shadow of Child Sexual Abuse.

"A Layman's Guide To Loving A Survivor Of Child Sexual Abuse"
by Shelly Strauss Rollison

http://rainbowsendpress.com/ministry/A_Layman.pdf

The sad statistics show that about one in four girls and one in seven boys will be sexually abused (which includes molestation, assault and rape) by the time they're 18 years old. Estimates suggest that 20-62% of the entire US population have been sexually abused. And that's just sexual abuse. When you throw in all the other forms of abuse that children suffer, it's easy to see how virtually all of us are dealing with some sort of abuse issues.

In my opinion, sexual abuse seems to be one of the most damaging types of abuse perpetrated against a child. It often involves not only sexual abuse but physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual abuse as well. A child's innocence is stolen at the moment of the first unwelcome touch. Their trust is violated and shattered, especially when it comes to their concepts of what it means to love and be loved because roughly 90% of childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member or a close, trusted family friend.
_{Introduction to A Layman's Guide}

Table of Contents _{(87 pages)}

Chapter 1: What Is Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Chapter 2: The Subconscious Mind
Chapter 3: Effects of Abuse
Chapter 4: The Need for Control
Chapter 5: So Now What?
Chapter 6: Common Mistakes
Chapter 7: Self-esteem Vs. Ego
Chapter 8: Needs Vs. Wants
Chapter 9: Enabling Vs. Empowering
Chapter 10: Co-Dependency
Chapter 11: Setting Boundaries
Chapter 12: Anger
Chapter 13: Frustration
Chapter 14: Unconditional Love
Chapter 15: Forgiving and Forgetting
Chapter 16: The Decision to Leave
Chapter 17: Healing
Chapter 18: Resources