Little Cherine Book 01 - BPost021
Alki threw up his arms in dismay, “Hey, what is this? You starting to plan a whole family for me Cherinaki?”
“It would be lovely pappou!”
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“It might, but you are all planning without me. Why do you think an old man like me has no children. It was not for lack of trying, I tried a big enough choice of women. No my little sweetheart, I cannot have children.” I sent the healer to check him, then Marian. I warned the girls to control themselves. But even my own control was not that good.
I asked him, “Alki have you checked lately. You did not just get younger, as I told you at the time, you had everything fixed.”
“Marian, do you want a baby. Would you be glad?” Dommi looked at her anxiously. The answering emotion was strong enough even without her words. She then asked Alki.
“I have envied my friends all my life, seeing them with their children, their families. Oh yes Dominaki, I want a baby, babies!”
Cherine could not hold it in anymore. She jumped up and ran to her mother and hugged her. “You are already pregnant. The baby is growing in you!”
“Seems once your factory got into production it did not waste time eh Alki?”
That killed our easy relaxed evening. We had to be taken out to celebrate. Marian kept crying. Without being aware of it, she left herself open to us and I saw into her soul. She had given up on love, given up on her daughter, thought her life was to be barren of hope. Now she has a wonderful loving man and a child coming to fill her emptiness. She was still half convinced she is dreaming when Alki drove us home.
As we were returning in the car, Marian in the front with Alki and us in the back, Dommi focussed on me, so that Cherine who was dozing would not pick her up. *Tonight. I want our baby first.* *We are not in competition. What does it matter?* *I don’t want Cherine to be more happy about their baby. This is our baby and I want her happy for herself first.* *Has anybody told you that are you are a remarkable woman. You are having the baby and you are thinking of our little Cherine before yourself.* I shook my head in wonder and Cherine stirred.
As she settled, Dommi whispered to me. “I am not the remarkable one, she is. She was so excited about you two having your anniversary, but then we nearly lost you and she missed it. Robert she never once said a thing, never complained to herself, she just decided that the best anniversary present was your still being alive. She knew you would make time for it as soon as you could, but decided it would not be fair to do so now. She was worried about me, that after nearly losing you it was not the time to take you away from me. At the house earlier, you picked up that I wanted a child, I know you did. I could feel you worrying it would upset her if you said yes, and worry me if you said no. I’m sorry, you are not very good at hiding your thoughts from me if you are thinking of me, not after the last time I came into you. Our baby love did not hear you, or me, she just αυθόρμητα (impulsively - also: παρορμητικά) asked for me, even though she had been so excited about us having our babies together. I do not know any other child so big-hearted.”
I whispered back, “And I do not know any other child so mean and shitty when she wants to be. Stubborn!! Like a μουλάρι (mule). All she thinks of is herself!” Dommi dived in angry, in full fighting spirit. She hardly had time to stop herself, then she chuckled in me. *You are a nasty bastard.* *Teach her not to eavesdrop.*
Cherine pretended to turn over in her sleep and slammed her elbow into my stomach.
“Oooh I’m sorry. Did that hurt?” she asked sweetly, pretending to have just woken.
“Nooo, just like a kick from a mule. I’m used to it.” I leaned down to her ear. “What a way to treat your daddy on the last days of his being your daddy. What a lovely memory to carry of these last days.” I sounded hurt and projected the hurt. She was immediately contrite, but had no chance to do anything as we had arrived. As I got out I picked up my sleepyhead, leaning her head on my shoulder and carried her in. As I turned to wave to Alki, he called out with his happiness.
“I’m going to have one of those soon.”
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“You sure you wouldn’t settle for taking this one?” He grinned at me and drove a hundred metres away to Marian’s apartment.
Once we were in the house she tried to apologise. I could feel her remorse.
“So, my words, my feelings hurt more than your jab?”
“Yes.” She was now looking at me suspiciously. I made as if to set her down and swung her over, holding her by her legs, her head swinging below my knees. As her skirt fell down I gave her a sharp slap on her bottom. As I set her on her feet she stared at me, angry, refusing to rub her bum, not wanting to give me the satisfaction of showing me it hurt her. I had to speak quickly, before she responds to the spank or my protector decides it has to punish me. Damn! No wonder they say I’m crazy - I don’t know anybody else who has to fear himself!
“Cut that anger out, right now. Next time you lash out or hurt anyone, including me, on purpose, since empathy does not control you, I will take you over my knee and give you a proper spanking. You deliberately hurt me for something I said that you knew was a joke.” I turned to Dommi. “Dommi, can I have a cup of coffee please?” Again I turned to Cherine, still speaking sternly. “Now you come with me, we have something serious to discuss.”
I loved the look of mutiny in her eyes. Last thing I want is for her to lose her spirit, her spunk. I closed the door behind us. “Cherine, you started the ball rolling and…bad choice of words, I’m the one who… oh never mind. Dommi wants to start from tonight. To try and have a baby. You going to want to sleep?”
She instantly forgot her anger. “Really? How can you be so silly. How could I sleep, I want to see my baby being made.”
“Thought so love. You’ll also need a cup of coffee, we can make an exception for this time.”
Dominique came in with three coffees. “Can I ask everyone a big favour? Please no talking. Every time we go for sex, you guys get talking and the next thing I know I’m fighting to keep us alive.”
Cherine demanded of Dommi, “Why are you complaining? It always seems to happen when he’s made love to you first. It’s always on my turn it happens.”
“Cherry baby?” She looked at me, my tone catching her off-guard. “I wanted to tell you now before you have a new daddy. I have watched you and got to know you in ways that few people get to know each other. I’m not talking about your gift. I’m talking about a little girl who walked into my garden and into my heart. A little girl who has been quite extraordinary in her courage, her generosity. The biggest heart in the world. A mind that is razor sharp yet almost always considerate, kind. Not once have I seen even one gesture or heard one word that showed she has a mean bone - except for you hitting me now and then. You took on loads most adults would not and yet as any normal girl you studied hard and brought home to me grades that made my heart burst with pride. I have watched you mature, your thinking processes grow. You are the sweetest loveliest daughter any father could wish for. I could not love and cherish you more than I do, even were you my one and only true daughter.
Cherine, when you chose me to be your father you made me the happiest man in the world. When you fell in love with me you made me the happiest man in the world. And then you opened you heart even wider and took in my Dominique, loving her because she was also a part of me. As I hand you over, in title, to Alki, as his new daughter, I can only bear it because I know you are my love, lover and wife. Because I know how deeply we are in each others hearts. Thank you for teaching me how wonderful love can be. For the honour and joy you have brought me, I truly love you my daughter.”
“You promised Dommi you would not talk tonight. Now you’ve made me want to cry.”
I smiled, happy. “It has been one of my greatest joys seeing you able to cry like a normal healthy child again. Cry my love, but only if you use my shoulder for your comfort.” I held them close to me, feeling my heart beat in them.
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“Cherine, you made a unique gesture today. How Dommi felt about it I am sure she will let you know. This child we will have will be our child as a family. Dommi wants your child to be born before your sister is born.” She turned to Dommi and hugged her tightly. “As you know Dommi just had her period and she has been on the pill. It will need the healer to purify her of the effects of the pill and prepare an ova to meet one of the lucky guys floating around in me right now. The healer has already been keeping an eye on them to ensure only the strongest and healthiest are able to take part in the race for life. The healer has needed this extra time to be careful in its checking of Dommi. She now has a clean bill of health. My loves, this is a sobering moment that makes us feel serious, but no child should be conceived in anything but joy, love and passion.”
We need not have worried about the occasion turning solemn with Cherine there. She was in awe of the moment, but as a child she expressed it with curiosity and a joie de vivre that shredded our seriousness and kept love beating as our predominant emotion.
As I had recently so often first spent my most passionate energy with Dommi and then turned to Cherine, trusting the excitement and fever that her tiny gorgeous body and the child scents arouse in me to replenish my energies, I wished to start with Cherine, but I knew that her arousal will be at its most feverish afterwards as her imagination feeds her lust.
I decided to temporise. As we kissed and aroused each other, Dommi joined in where she could. Judging the tremors I felt from deep within Cherine, I returned to only concentrating on her and as I rolled my tongue she exploded, I clamped my face over her. I gave her time to crest the shockwave and relax and then moved over to Dommi. Cherine I now dragged into my mind so that she will know more keenly what we are doing and how it feels - as I knew she had wanted. She will experience all of Dommi’s adult capacity for pleasure.
I felt both of us could not last much longer. At the thought I grabbed her hips and told Cherine to put a pillow underneath to raise her. Instead, she quickly slid herself under, her body facing Dommi’s. She pulled at Dommi’s legs so as to clamp their sexes tightly, hers slightly under, in position to feel each thrust. I was surprised to sense I can still be shocked by her needs and uninhibited (ανεμπόδιστες) ideas.
The sight was blowing my mind. I let Dommi take my shaft in her fingers and place me within her entrance. Her vagina was already pulsing as I entered. I reminded her sub-verbally to keep her legs over my hips, to position her love hole at the right angle for the maximum of my sperm to remain in her. I was only able to thrust a small number of times and all three of us exploded. I stayed in, pressing my head to her cervix, for every single drop to bathe her internally as close to her womb as possible. As I then withdrew for my last thrust, not wanting to waste a single drop, Cherine grabbed me and thrust me into her. I was too deeply in my throes of passion to realise in time to stop myself. I felt the tearing in my own body and at my penis as the head broke through her hymen. Dommi was closely linked to both of us and felt it too, and though my penis was at the wrong angle for stimulating Cherine and for grinding my pelvic bone against her bump, the fullness of me that she was feeling for the first time, spasmed her vagina so that the incredible tightness was a clamp that gripped me. We all came together for a second time.
She would not let me go and since there no longer was any purpose to my fighting her, as there is no way either of us can wait until her body ages, matures, and I also cannot undo what has been done, I called on a new supply of energy, hormones whatever, to keep myself rigid for her. I rolled over, holding tightly to her so that I would not accidentally slip out. As I slowly pulled out to thrust again, I could feel her from within her, I knew it was not hurting her. I instructed the healer/protector to keep a careful watch that I do not cause any serious damage.
I raised her head and shoulders so that she can watch. Dommi came to our rescue, still lying with her knees up in the air, she moved under Cherine so that her head could, by lying on one elbow, come over to watch what was happening. It doesn’t matter from how many directions we sense every nerve, the eyes are still the best stimulators. When we came again I was totally drained. Little Cherine who had her knees still bent out as far as possible and her feet clamped behind my thighs would not release me, holding me as tightly as she could. I promised her I would be within her again in a while, but we all needed to rest.
As I slipped out, both Dommi and I pulled her over to take a look. She had her knees in the air, in imitation I naively thought of Dommi, so as to feel like a full woman. Her labia were still swollen open, like a fruit split open, temporarily reddened by the stretching and thrusting. I looked as far in as I could, pulling at her labia. She was sore from the rubbing, the exertion and the smarting of her torn hymen, but I could not see any other tears or bruising.
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I cupped it with my hand, not invading her, just sealing it until her flesh resumes its normal shape over the next few minutes. The healer was already taking care of that.
Once she had recovered, I pulled her to me, Dommi looked at me sideways, her expression not one of happiness.
Cherine gave a tired, happy smile. “I’ve been picked all over now haven’t I?”
“That’s right.”
I felt she was pleased and Dommi gave up. She decided she still has some adjusting to do and accepted it. Dommi found a nice way to change the subject. “Robert you were right. Her breath is really sweet and milky. Is mine also like that?”
“Exactly my love.”
I held them close and kissed them gently. They fell asleep while I stroked them. I lay there thinking of what had happened. She had deliberately tricked me, but she had been right, I had not caused any damage, no tearing. The only blood was from her hymen. I analysed how I felt. Cheated, but not seriously. I had wanted to make it a memorable night, make her feel my adoration and love for her. Well, which moment does she not feel it? As for memorable, how could I have done better? The only thing that worries me is that she can be too head-strong, forcing her own way, and someday it might place her in danger.
Warm with the memories of the night I dozed off only to wake to her hot little body, burning in its fever. Afraid I opened my eyes and she was staring at me. “Sorry, did not mean to scare you. Robert can we let Dommi sleep this time so that it is just you and me? Is it selfish?”
“No my love, it is not. And yes, as you can feel, I’m wanting you very much.”
I treated her almost as a grown woman. I allowed my passions to build without the restraint I kept to normally, so as not accidentally hurt her. Her whole body was mine and I greeted it with my burning passion for her. When I could wait no longer, the taste of her on my lips I turned over onto my back and let her guide me into her.
To start off I made her just sit, resting her full weight on me so that we could savour the feelings. Then I showed her how by grinding herself against me she gained a plethora of beautiful sensations. I told her she could now ride me, up and down. I was holding her and searching for other areas to give her pleasure. She soon needed nothing else from me in her paroxysms. All she cried for was the lovely hot feeling of me in her, and I was already obliging. This time, after my holding and kissing her, including her red splodges across her shoulder and down to her nipple, she fell asleep as she used to, lying atop of me. Half asleep she mumbled, “goodnight daddy, love you.”
I was fast asleep and my mind was in a beautiful place of being loved and of loving my two angels. I suddenly woke up and my excitement woke them up without me moving.
“We are pregnant. Oh my babies, the egg has split. A baby is being made.”
There was no sleep after that. We were all on a high. We celebrated with a breakfast and much excitement and laughter. I nearly missed the second warning.
“Cherine, how can it be?”
“It did happen? I am pregnant?” Her face was so delighted I did not dare show her my feelings. Dommi played her part and we all hugged each other in rejoicing with love. No child will ever come to us that I will not rejoice and welcome with love, but in all other ways, this was a disaster.
“Robert I am going to have a little girl for you, I made sure. I told it to stop all the boy sperm. I want to be sure you have my daughter to love like you love me.”
Dommi was shocked. “Cherine!!”
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“Are you trying to tell me I am to make love to my daughter!” I mentally kicked myself for my talk about incest. “My love, with the two of you, why would I want to make love to my daughter. The two of you are all I need for all my life.”
“If you don’t she will be very unhappy. So will Dommi’s daughter.” Dommi, for once, could not speak and she just stared at Cherine. I suspected her mothering instincts were not too happy with Cherine’s pronouncement.
“We will have to wait and see. Okay?” She smiled, thinking she has won.
I can be rather stupid. It took hours for what she had said to sink in. Dommi and I were having a conversation when it suddenly hit me. She said, “Normal couples only have a few years of intense sex then it devolves into a routine. Before they are incapable of having sex they stop. I suppose it becomes too familiar. If we are going to live a couple of hundred of years or more, what will happen to us Robert? It would be very sad if that happens to us.”
I shook my head. “Normal humans mostly have sex for the pleasure or to procreate - also for playing domination games or to get something else they want. The very few who deeply love each other will continue having sex for a longer period because they also use or see sex, the sexual act with the fore and after play, as an expression of their love for each other. I don’t think it is only the fleshly pleasures that pall, it is likely that as they become involved in dealing with small everyday problems, they begin to think of them as being more important than their love for each other.
We are different Dommi. We start off as three individuals. Individuals can grow apart. Should that begin to happen to us, not that I have detected any signs of it, we dance and in our union we exchange and leave parts of ourselves in each other. We are then as close again as any people can be without losing their individuality.
As for love. How can I or you love each other any less? Our flow of love that Cherine keeps alive all the time is no longer just my love for you or my love for Cherine, or the love of either of you for the others, it is the love of all of us for all of us. I am grateful that it is possible for me to feel those surges of love that I feel for you or Cherine. Our love is communal (κοινό) and yet it remains highly personal. I do not think it can fade or become familiar. Every day at least once, more like dozens of times, at least one of us feels a surge of love for one of the others and that gets added to the pool.
I worry about the opposite. How can we love so deeply, day after day without any lessening, for year after year. Is that not too sublime for us to bear? Do we perhaps, by our nature, need to have times away from such overpowering love?”
“Not me!”
I found her attitude intriguing. “Do you never feel a need to be by yourself even for a few hours?”
“Never. I get afraid that maybe I will be left alone. I love being part of our group. Do you need time to yourself?”
“I have always been a loner. I have not needed it yet, but I do wonder what I will do if I should feel the need.”
Her laughter was a sparkle of joy to my heart. “Oh Robert, you really love to worry.”
“I suppose so. I believe we all need moments of being alone, of introspection, just like we all need to dream during our sleep. Very often those are the moments, awake or asleep, when we understand novel truths and grow in new directions. I do not want us to lose those abilities.”
It was Dommi’s turn to be surprised. “You can’t do that with us in the background of your mind?”
“No, introspection needs privacy. I cannot face and conquer my problems knowing you guys are there watching me. So that means I stop growing. It must be true of you and Cherine.”
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“You do not spend twenty four hours a day monitoring every thought of mine. Neither of us does. We all have our moments of privacy.”
I felt she was examining what we were talking about too superficially. “Not really. For every-day thoughts, yes. If I am distressed about something and need to work my way through it, even if you two were not monitoring me, you would pick up the distress and be there, watching, wanting to help.”
She smiled. “When I feel like that, I feel comforted to know you are both there ready to help. Feeling you and your love in the background makes me feel I can solve any problem I have.”
“Don’t mind me my love, just being a grouch. I have to have something to worry at all the time.” I recalled something and gave a start of surprise. “That time in Ydra, when I was alone with you and I began to create the second copy of the Kaleidoscope World, when Cherine entered the room, she dampened herself and you so that I can draw - even then she knew me well enough to know such moments I must be entirely on my own…that even love can be a distraction? She is amazing!”
She must have been monitoring me, “Yes, she is…I had not realised she dampened me. As for you worrying - it is because you are worried about something.”
“I know, but I do not know what. I have missed a clue somewhere and it is now nagging at me.”
“Could it be about Cherine, her pregnancy?”
I kept my sick anger hidden. “No. That is a worry I am very aware of, in many details. I am sick to heart about it. It is very wrong. Not the child, that I feel I love already. For Cherine.”
“Why? Nothing can go wrong. The healer will see to that.”
“Dommi, it is not right. We cannot abuse the healer. Do I jump off a building to smash into the concrete, just to see what it feels like, knowing the healer will be there to repair me? It is not right.”
“You cannot stop it happening Robert. We are all bound to see life with different eyes now, knowing the healer is there.”
“And what if you do so and we need it and it does not come - it is gone. I do not know how it came about and do not know that it will be there forever. You I do not worry so much about, you are a quiet little mouse compared to Cherine. She has a wildness of spirit which has grown in her over this year. After spending her life living in fear, cramping herself into her tiny existence, she now is blossoming and has no fear, thinking I am there to look after her. I want it, but I fear it.”
“You keep thinking of her as a child, that is why you get afraid.”
I stuck to what I believe and in a very adamant tone I said, “She is a child. Her powers, her abilities, the maturity she has because of them, do not alter the fact that she is a child with the needs of a child. If we forget that, we will damage her. It would not be fair to her.”
“This mothering thing I have tells me that too. We are lucky to have you Roberto. You always look beneath the surface, trying to see what is good for us in the long term, not just to please us now. It must be very difficult for you my love.”
Her empathy for me touched me. I kissed her. “Thank you my love.”
“Are you worried about what she said. About having a daughter for you to make love to? It worries me.”
As I answered her, I also came to see the truth and (at least partly) accept what I was telling her. “Not in the normal sense. I know what she means. If the child is part of our emoting, it will from a baby be part of our circle, feeling our love, but also our passions. So will yours my love. When it feels our orgasms when we are burning in a fever for each other, do we ignore the need it has to find release? Cherine has been through it, just from sensing family and neighbours. It will be far stronger for our babies, they will be part of our circle. They will also be joining us in our dances. Can we say, these are the morals of Man so we will ignore the needs of our child? I do not think so my love. Cherine was right and she has won.”
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“How can you say that, she…what is it? Oh!!!”
“Oh is the right word. Cherine, you come here right now.”
She grinned, not at all impressed by my false fierceness, “I knew you would wake up sometime. Took you longer than I thought. You must be getting old, pappou.”
“I am going to dive straight into your mind one of these days and look for where you get that cheekiness from.”
She looked thoughtful for a moment, as if checking herself. “I think you will find it there where I keep your love for me.”
“That was a sweet thing to say even if not true. Now I want an explanation. You have been blocking it off from us. How did you get the healer to co-operate with you without me knowing?”
“Not yours silly. Mine!!” She was exploding from glee at our surprise.
“Oh Cherine baby! When, how!?” Dommi was aglow with her happiness.
“Yesterday. I’ve been trying so hard to make mine come out. I was so cross with myself. Then Robert sent his healer yesterday to check I was well. I asked it to help me and it showed me.”
I slapped my forehead. “Trust you!”
“I didn’t do anything wrong! You told me...”
“If you don’t shut up and come give me a big hug I am going to be very upset. You are a pure miracle. Trust you sweetie was good, not bad. Trust you to find the solution and in such a straight and simple way. I am sure you can feel me bursting with pride in my girlie?”
We all hugged and kissed. I felt her leave her body in my arms and go into Dommi and show her and the explosion of joy when Dommi had her own healer. I felt Cherine crying against my chest. Tenderly I pulled her back and wiped her tears.
“What is it my love?”
“You’re not cross with me anymore. About tricking you I mean?”
“About getting pregnant?”
“That also.”
“I’m not going to answer that. You better come into me my love, see for yourself. There are a whole gamut of emotions. Even I don’t know what I feel. See if you can make sense of them.” She came in, bright as a flame. I opened myself to her, let the flame light all the conflicts that were tearing at me. Subdued she left.
“I’m sorry Robert. I have done something very stupid. I wanted it so much I forgot to think of you.”
“You did see my feelings, my joy that you are now my woman, that it has nothing to do with that?”
“Dommi, he was planning on turning me back into a virgin again. Now
he can’t.”I laughed, “Who says I can’t?” As her eyes widened I turned serious. “Although you tricked me, you did choose the best time you could have. I don’t know when I would have been ready, so I can see why you did it. It was a fantastic moment and I thank you Cherine.”
Shyly she kissed me. My love was flowing to her like a storm and I felt Dommi become a part of it. In a breathless voice she spoke. “If you keep doing that I can see why we will never stop loving each other.”
Cherine struggled within herself and came to a decision. “I’ll stop it. I’ll get my healer to make it go away...”
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“What! Kill your...our baby!!” Dommi was aghast, her mothering empathy instantly linking her to the splitting cells, protecting the unformed foetus in Cherine.
“Cherine.” I was not angry, for I understood her, but was forceful. “What you did you will have to live with. If there is one rule of Man that is ours it is the rule ‘Thou shalt not kill’. Not the baby now. Not anyone ever. It is a prime for us as a family, same as love not hate. Even stronger. We must never kill, not for any reason. If we do then we have failed. Cherine, thanks to you we are changing and we have a choice; we use these changes to become something better, or else we become freaks. If we use our gifts as powers, then we are not any different from Man, apart from our abilities to manipulate them. Is that all we are? Do you see what I am talking about?”
“Yes. But I do not agree with you. If they try to hurt or kill you or Dommi, or our babies, I will kill them to stop them. I don’t care how many there are, I will kill them all.”
“Of course you will, you are after all only a child still.”
She stared me in the eyes. “You are unfair! It has nothing to do with being a child. You were prepared to kill for us.”
“True, but I learnt. You are a child and are not ready to understand yet. Dommi should it ever happen that she tries to, I will expect you to stand by me, help me against this feral creature. Cherine, if you close your mind to thinking this out and take too many years to reach an understanding I will be very disappointed in you. Once you are mentally of an adult age I will not stop you, but neither will I live with you afterwards. As a matter of fact I do not think I could bear to live with an adult mind that is prepared to kill a human.”
She ignored most of what I said because of her fear. “I will not lose you. Not for anyone!”
Dommi our Mother, tried to calm me. “Robert please do not make an issue of this, she is too fiercely convinced she is right. You two will only hurt each other if you carry on.”
I’ll never learn to shut up when I should. “I’ll only say this and then I’ll let it go. Cherine there is something unpleasant about living with a mind, that shares my mind, that sees killing a human being as an option. All children’s minds are feral and as an adult I can ignore it. If I sense your mind is the equivalent of an adult’s, I will not be able to live with something that I find so ugly.”
I felt the total emptiness that appeared as a sudden vacuum in my whole being. It was so unexpected that if I had been standing I would have fallen. I heard my voice, the scream of despair without being conscious of making it. I collapsed into myself, into the vacuum, the void that always seemed to be in hiding, waiting for me. In me was the knowledge that this time Cherine had cut me off on purpose. Deep as my pain, my agony was, so was my anger.
The link re-appeared. I cut it off. I felt Dommi by me, trying to call me back. I flared.
*Leave me. Get out.* *She is sorry Robert. Please come back.* *Get out, and you can tell her to fuck off.*
My anger was a fury such as I had never experienced before. It drove me back. I opened my eyes and lifted Cherine off my lap. I got up.
“I’m out of your circle, or whatever the fuck it is you want to call it. I’m not coming back. You stupid little bitch; how dare you use my love and need for you as a weapon against me. I will never trust you again. I’m staying out forever this time.”
“Robert pl…”
“Stop it, keep your bloody emoting to yourself. All that love is just a weapon you use to control me. Well, no more. You went too far this time, it was too obvious and it showed a pattern. Every time you do not like what I say or do, you cut me off, punish me or do it to dominate, to prove to me that I depend on you. Well fuck your little mind games, I’m not playing anymore. I’ll stick around since both of you are pregnant with my babies. I’ll see that you can live your lives as you want to, I’ll honour my obligations, but leave me out of your plans from now on.” I glared at her as I added, “You are welcome to go find yourself some other man for playing your games with, you’ll never do so to me again, I’m out of your life forever this time.”
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Cherine wailed and collapsed as she felt my hate. Dominique gathered her into her arms. She sank away, going, I knew, into Cherine. I turned to walk away.
“Roberto, please. She will die. Don’t leave. I promise she will never do this…”
“Just stop it Dominique. You want to stay with her, that is your decision. At least until you find out she is just using you too. With two of you, she will not die. I’m moving my things into the guest room.”
If it had been Dommi doing this to me, I would have felt hurt and bitter, but my love for her would have soon softened my anger, for I could have made excuses for her. But this is not Dommi, it is Cherine, and this difference makes it totally unacceptable to me. Cherine is, was, my dream for a better future for our families and hopefully for all of mankind. She is the one born with the gift of empathy. I see so clearly now, if empathy makes it possible for her to do this to me, then empathy is not a gift, it is a curse - and I want nothing to do with helping her gift change mankind.
If there is a way, I choose to live my life on my own. Never again do I want love to weaken me this way.
PART SEVEN
Chapter Twenty Nine
I was in constant terror. If my anger dissipated, I knew I would be at her mercy again. I have been too close to death too many times for me to try and fool myself. If this anger is not there to hold me together, I will find myself in the void again, dissolving. I was determined it will not happen, for I know that then I cannot refuse her and I will be enslaved again.
I did not care how honest or dishonest I was being, since I will not be allowed to die, then I must do whatever is needed to stay free. I chose to recall all the times I had nearly died as being due to her using this power of hers to punish me and deliberately fed/fuelled my anger, exaggerating her culpability on purpose, knowing that I did so, but not caring about being fair, convinced that there are times it is necessary to be unfair so as to be fair to myself. I was painting each layer of my thoughts with my anger, making her seem to me to be responsible for all my suffering, just so that I could survive without her.
I was not that surprised to see Alki and Marian. I walked through the lounge with my things, but refused to acknowledge them. Seeing what I was doing, Alki turned to see what he could do for Cherine and Dominique. I dumped my clothes on the bed and left the house. I was in no mood to talk to anyone, but I did not see why I should punish myself by walking for hours. I went to the nearest coffee shop and ordered their bitter Greek coffee which I still dislike. As I drank it, I saw the bitterness as an outer symbol of my own feelings. When I ordered the second cup I also ordered a packet of cigarettes. Lighting a cigarette, coughing and taking another draw became my symbols of freedom, plus my symbols that I am choosing death rather than the kind of life Cherine offers me.
I could see that anger was not enough. I will need bitterness to strengthen me against memories and the siren call of the link that will weaken me once anger has dissipated, or at least, lost its urgency. I hated myself for being what I am, a person too honest for me to permanently fool myself by twisting the past into fuel for bitterness - maybe for hours or even a few days, but then?
Alki has grown to be predictable and it almost angered me when he sat at my table and ordered a coffee, I nodded my order for a third cup. Defiantly I put a cigarette to my mouth. Alki lit it for me. I refused to face him and kept my gaze focussed on a tree. I was certain he had come so as to calm me and talk me into reconsidering my decision and I was not willing to let him. We must have sat for at least half an hour. He was beginning to get on my nerves.
“If you are waiting for me to calm down, you are wasting your time.”
230
He did not answer me. He just ordered a whiskey for him and another bitter coffee for me. I felt Cherine try to connect, there was a desperation to it and as I blocked her off I felt a pang. I fought it off. ‘I must not weaken’ I kept telling myself. Whatever I told myself, I knew that however I try to keep the anger alive, it is not possible to live in permanent anger. I have always been the type of person who blows a lid, shows his anger, and then loses it. I don’t even know how to cling to bitterness, to make it a part of how I am, as I believe my father did. As I sat, trying to keep Alki from becoming my company, I was beginning to see that I have no chance. I am an addict, addicted to a drug for which there is no antidote. A slave for life.
“She is going to win again, I cannot fight off the link for long. This time her victory will be pyrrhic (πύρρειος). My presence in their circle will only bring bitterness and hate.”
“You do whatever you need for Roberto. If you need to leave, you must find a way to do so without killing them.”
“Of course. They are going to be the mothers of my children.”
His face paled. “What do you mean? Is Dominique expecting?”
“They both are. I’m not going to make excuses and tell you I was tricked. The responsibility is mine and I will do whatever is my duty. My duty, that is all.” He looked sick, but pulled himself together.
“Roberto mou, you know by now that I love you as a son. I will be there for you, whatever you decide. God Robert, how are we going to tell Marian her nine year old daughter is pregnant? No matter, I will handle it.”
Bitterly I told him, “If I know Cherine, she will handle it. We are all pawns in her hands.”
“Robert help me understand. What happened?”
“She has been using my love for her, my need, my stupid addiction to the link as a weapon against me. If I do not see eye to eye with her or I try to teach her so that she becomes what we need for a future without hate, she uses it to punish me, cutting me off, knowing it will send me to the void, to the agony of it tearing my soul apart. She does so, knowing that then she can save me, as if the pain I felt has no meaning. Alki, it is too late for me, I cannot escape. They won’t even let me escape through death. They will just force me to return. What can I do?”
As I stopped and turned to him in despair he put his arms around me, held me as my body shuddered.
I sat opposite them. “Tell her she can put her damn link now. I won’t fight her.”
Dominique stared at me, her face bloodless, evidence of an awful pain. She closed her eyes. It took a while and I felt the link. Cherine came in fearfully. I fought off the love she tried to give me. I returned her a cold emptiness. *The link is all you get to keep you alive. Do not try that again.*
I felt her pain for an instant before she cut it off. I knew I was making an unfair judgement, but I told myself she sent that pain on purpose, pretending to cut it off just a little bit too late. She can be damn good at keeping control of herself when she wants, a real pro, so it must have been a trick. She better go try it elsewhere, I told myself.
Over the following days I must have been a terrible ugliness in them. I slept alone and during the day kept to myself. I tried to work, but there was no inspiration. How could there be inspiration, when I dared not give my soul the freedom required for it to soar. I took long walks and sat at the coffee shop for hours, smoking and downing black bitter cup after cup. There is no pleasure in living such a life, but at least I can expect it to slowly teach my heart to grow callouses, so that I stop caring. I thought to myself, and I knew that nobody is spying on my thoughts, that if I last long enough, the day will come when Cherine will stop caring and when I die, I’ll be allowed to stay dead. It is the only hope I have; there is no way I can hope to live a normal life again.
I did not know whether anyone had told Marian about the pregnancies. I did not care. If she blamed me that was her problem. I kept my own powers in check (they no longer felt like gifts, so they must be considered just powers) so that I did not feel their bodies. I could not avoid feeling their emotions, those that leaked through, which were not too difficult to bear. I felt their muted constant ache; I felt the love Dominique tried to bolster Cherine with. I felt her returning that love. I was cynical. I saw the love Cherine sent as her weapon. They felt my cynicism. If it hurt them, they kept it to themselves. There was no more dancing. I was not interested in joining and they would not go without me. They slept as mother with child, Cherine chastely in her arms for comfort only.
Αλέξανδρος Ζήνον Ευσταθίου
(Alexander Zenon Eustace)14th March, 2019
* posted on Steemit: 15th March, 2019
@nikosnitza
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