To foster a child is to rekindle hope

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Bella is 5. She sits on a stained mattress behind a thin curtain in The Shelter, staring into space. Nothing to do.... nothing to say...nothing to eat. She watches over her mother, fierce in her protection of the woman who has ruined her life from conception with hardcore drugs. This woman, not worthy of the name of mother  is presently comatose from imbibing cheap rotgut alcohol and pain killers. Hours go by and Bella begs her, "Mommy ....Bella hungry, please wake up." There's no reply, no movement to indicate that she has even heard. Bella selects a fine strand of her own skimpy hair and tugs it out to twist around her small fingers, a token of her despair.

A large woman shoves the curtain aside and thrusts a slice of bread with a scraping of jam at her and Bella scoffs it ravenously. She settles herself against her mother whining pitifully until someone in the shelter shouts "Ag shuddup kid, who can sleep with that noise going on?" Bella bites her lip until blood stains her small teeth.

This is the child who came to live in my daughter's home two years ago. 

A call was put out from the pulpit one Sunday for a foster family for a little girl who needed a home for six months while the mother went into rehab...a free place and an amazing chance for someone so far down the drain that she was barely expected to survive. God speaks, as all who know Him, in mysterious ways and after a few trial visits to their home Lee and her family decided to give Bella a chance. 

She arrived, terrified of the pack of six dogs who wanted to sniff and lick this small new member of the family. 

Three teenage ' siblings' all moved up at the dinner table to give her a place on a large cushion so she could reach her plate. She looked suspiciously at the salad and sliced chicken and said, "I eat bread and jam." My daughter Lee said "we don't have any of that, this is what we eat," and left her to her own devices. After watching everyone else closely Bella picked up her knife and fork and to the manner born, cleared her plate. No one commented and she found herself rewarded with a crisp red apple which she shone thoughtfully on her table napkin. "Now let's throw the ball for the dogs, " said fourteen year old Gary and putting the child on his back took her into the garden.

When I met her three months later she was the leader of the pack. Her job was to give the six dogs their bedtime biscuits before lights out.

 I was moved as this small girl took charge. She ordered them to "Sit!" and they did. Knowing that their treat depended on their good behaviour they followed her every move with beseeching eyes and the Boxer, the biggest, drooled. She went decisively up to each animal, put her arms around its neck and put the biscuit into its jaws. Each one shut its eyes as it crunched in front of the audience of five others. When she was satisfied that Benjy had mopped up every crumb from the floor, she would name the next dog and even planted a kiss on Raj's smooth head ' cos you are SUCH a good boy,' she crooned.

After several months Lee took her on a visit to see her mother in the bleak, state rehabilitation centre.  Monica the mother, was able to ask Lee, my daughter, privately how she was coping with Bella's tantrums? My daughter was honestly astonished. "What sort of tantrums?" she asked. Monica looked a bit uncomfortable and said "well she can scream uncontrollably for ages, she pulls bits of her hair out and she bites herself,  sometimes the inside of her mouth."

"No," replied Lee thoughtfully hiding the effect that that piece of information had on her emotions. She wiped her eyes surreptitiously.

And so a new child was born. She is possessive over the three teenagers. "MY sister and MY brothers," she tells anyone who is prepared to listen. She loves her new school where she gets extra attention. The whole family play games with her and her language is sanitised and she is able to express herself perfectly.

And yet her loyalty to her mother is deeply embedded and she longs for her. Everyone is fortunately aware that it is vital that she sees her and keeps that deep mother child connection. Monica, the mother has responded well to rehabilitation and visits are regular. Bella's future might even be described as rosy.

STRESS in children is common. 

Bella's behaviour was actually a fight for survival and unfortunately in seriously underprivileged homes it is common, but in more 'normal' homes it is  found too. 

A professor, an expert in the field says 

" in schools and society we're constantly INCREASING THE CHALLENGES but not counteracting with stress relief. "Stress can lead to depression if not managed correctly. Anxiety in children manifests in several ways:

       avoidance - kids make up excuses not to do things like not going to school

       they become clingy

       aggression.....this is a surprise to most of us but anxiety often causes unacceptable behaviour.

The prefrontal cortex of the brain (which enables one in decision making and enabling acceptable social behaviour) only develops in a person when they are twenty something, so younger people  have to be taught how to cope. She says children have to be shown how to 'stay on task'. In order for them to be able to learn these skills they have to feel SAFE  and LOVED ."    

She says that one should NOT turn a blind eye or try to talk youngsters out of their fears. Instead they should accept that the stressed child is simply not behaving logically and apply the FEEL method.

FREEZE - stop and breathe with the child to reverse the the nervous response in him or her.

EMPATHISE - let the child  know that you understand how scary these attacks are.

EVALUATE -once the child is calm, work out a couple of ways that will help him/her to stay calm.

LET GO - as a parent you are doing your best so let go feeling guilty.

Remember to engage in quiet restful activities particularly at the end of a busy day.

Read aloud to a child, this has an added benefit in that it will enhance the child's chances of becoming an avid reader themselves. Pray or meditate with him or her helping them feel safe as they face sleeping in the dark. Have a quiet time recollecting what has happened during the day , it also increases reasoning power. Concentrate on the positive and anticipate something good that is going to happen in the near future.  

Worry can be good if harnessed  and used to motivate the person and work out a solution to a problem.

A HAPPY  child is a LEARNING  child.

In our schools, along with reading, writing and mathematic skills, LIFE SKILLS need to be taught on a daily basis. The goal says Professor Herold is not to be stress free but to STRESS BETTER.

   

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