Cold Feet

How can a mind forget what once it created? How can different life settings shut down creativity and change the perception of the world completely? Lately, I had a vivid struggle with some life events challenged upon me. Instead of facing it, I escaped. Further I could go, I ran and hide, closing myself so deeply, that even mosquitoes could not approach me.

The struggle was real. Self doubt, remorse, imposter syndrome, and most of all deep, deep pain screaming inside me... Should I go on, or it's time to stop?! Well, I will stop here, writing it down, but I will cherish those feelings inside me. The world full of beautiful, amazing and perfect, could't bare my misery. I couldn't bare it myself, so the only way of dealing with it was to get a cold feet.

The society does not like misery, with new positive psychology mantras they judge every heart acke, every heavy tear, and every single hard word, like it is contagious. Like the evil can harm ther harmonious lifes through one's suffering. And most of them living without a slightest awareness that the true harmony lies exactly in good - and bad, in dark - and light, in heaven - and hell.

Affected by this positive society, which instead of embracing the one in need, it helps them to feel cut off, was exactly what happened to me. Like fragmented geometry, deeper I zoomed into the Mandelbrot fractal of my pain, less I saw it's ending - "down through a rabbit hole." My mind got narrow, my creativity stuck, and meditations, if I had any, full of ugly self-hurting.

Leaning towards the darkness and fearing of life itself, the love was searching the way to balance me. Maybe I didn't want to give up on myself. Maybe my faith in love couldn't got broken so easily. Or maybe God/Universe Itself finds the way to balance their souls... I don't know. But words of worth and love went through. Deep inside, they showed me that each of our hearts have this one single atom lighten up, even when everything is dimed and doomed.

And I can't tell you how to sense that we are all touched by it, but I can repeat the words that helped me: "Cold feet aren't the way to touch the ground. They can remedy the hurt but cannot heal it. Facing the pain will empower your soul, and the love will get stronger of any fear you are confronted to. Forgiveness of one's evil is the only way to embrace the goodness in you! And remember - even if you are confronted with the whole world, if God/Universe is on your side, you make the majority!"